Any advice on joint school events and meetings?

[IndependenceDay]

I haven't left yet but have a date and a plan. Kind of. He's going to be v v difficult

My DC are v young and seem to have a school or nursery event or show all the time! Dance shows, sports etc. Also my older kid has SEN so additional meetings with school.

H doesn't come to many of these but he absolutely will do after I leave. I know him and the way his brain works

I can handle the tension but I'm very worried for the kids. Do people just sit apart? Do you tell all the school families? Do people take performances in turn? The thought of handling joint events for the next decade makes me feel a bit sick! He's going to hate me for a v long time.

Any advice?

I'm at the beginning of this, ex never attended anything unless I was really really pushy about the importance of it.

Now he attends the things he sees as important, but nothing else. We are not amicable.

If you are the main parent then you need to notify him of appointments and anything related to health, education. So on a Co Parenting app it is all added on to that by me. The app means ex can't delete anything, only one form of contact, ex watches what he says. Worked well for me.

My ex attends one extra curricular activity a week where I have the kids so am also there. We sit opposite sides of the waiting room.

Co parenting guidance from Cafcass course says to always say hello and goodbye as its good for the kids, so I do. He doesn't acknowledge me at all. Otherwise I tend to grey rock. I used to yellow rock, but his behaviour escalated and it just isn't possible right now. Google these terms, I think they are useful.

I know some advice is to alternate school events, but as ex does not communicate which ones he will attend I just go. Plus I don't want to miss sports days, etc. It was awkward and other parents picked up on the situation this sports day. I kept it short and clear I didn't want to carry on the conversation because I won't say anything bad about him. We again were at opposite ends. Our child was massively affected by it. I spent time with him and then offered to take him over to dad. But it was upsetting for him as he doesn't really understand.

For Christmas plays where they do an afternoon and evening performance I know ex won't take time off work so I'll go to the daytime one.

Hopefully someone has better advice for you (and me!). Good luck.

School will do separate meetings if necessary. At a joint meeting the school filed a report to social services about how they could see he was emotionally abusive.

My ex husband always turns up for the visible side of parenting where he has an audience to what a great dad he's being - as much as I dislike it I do sit next to him - for my child's sake if nothing more as I don't want them having to keeping looking around in two different places. Sports day he tends to wander off whilst I chat to the other parents anyway

My childrens school also have a separated parents policy - basically puts the onus on us to be amicable when it comes to schooling - they won't do separate notifications or separate parents evenings or reports etc

It sounds like he has no intentions of working with you. With our school they have both me and my kids dad’s contact details, and we both get sent emails/newsletters with events on. There’s nothing to stop you both going to assemblies or sports days, so presumably you’ll both be there but choose to sit apart? I think parents evening is the only one that may be an issue, I’ve seen threads about it before where some schools will see parents of one child separately, but some just do not have the time for multiple appointments for one child. I’d argue that whoever has main custody (or whatever it’s called now) should have priority meetings

Yes, so I think somehow he will have to be on the email lists. He has no idea what is going on with any of it. He doesn't read the emails, not signed up to some of the after school stuff. I just really hope he will be happy to sit next to me.

My ideal and reasonable hope is that he gets the emails, come along, and we are civil

But what is more likely is he has no idea what's going on and then when he's there- he sits apart, glaring at me, and then tells DS he nearly missed it as "your mummy kept it a secret from me"

I hate it!!!

Same including the public parenting. We sit together, preferably with a child or two inbetween. We can both fake amiability in public, he does make nasty comments which thankfully kids aren't old enough to understand and I really don't like doing it, but it's what my kids need. I know though that sometimes one parent makes it impossible to be amicable in public. I know two families that very obviously sit far apart and the kids look torn from it. Our school does reports by email and electronic notifications so it's simple for them to send them to both parents. I don't think he goes to parent teacher meetings, school is happy to do seperate ones though.

My XH blames me if the kids ask why he wasn't at something, apparently its my job to remind him multiple times. He did the same when we we're together. He has come to the occasional important thing since seperating, but he won't tell me or the kids if he's coming, he just turns up or not on the day. Our kids all play sport to and he won't take them to training ever, but lovea turning up for matches. We sit together for the kids sake, but I need to remember to keep talking to the minimum as he otherwise finds something nasty to say. When Im anxious I tend to either go silent or talk to much. Need to have minimal interactions even when we're sitting together.