Ex being difficult

[PastaBelly]

Not sure if I’m looking for advice or just to offload.
separated over a year ago (his infidelity) our children live with me full time. They had seemed to adjust quite well to our new norm but I will admit it’s not plain sailing. On the whole I try to get on well with the ex, I don’t want rows or bad feeling or any atmosphere for the kids, although there has been some unfortunate moments. The main issue is that I cannot get the ex to commit to set days/times to see kids. The eldest are of an older age so I get that they have friends and hobbies they’d sometimes rather do, I have tried to remain amicable but he can get very spiteful and mean with his words particularly when drunk/hungover (another issue in our relationship). He’s very bitter about the split and I feel he is deliberately making my life difficult. Turns up unannounced to see children, but if I ask him to watch them I’m usually met with an attitude and accusations of being a bad mother putting her own wants before her children… even when it’s come to the odd work event that has been outside of my standard hours

im getting really fed up and very down with the whole situation. I obviously love my children but would also like to be able to plan days or even an hour or two for just myself and I don’t think this is unreasonable? the eldest is being difficult and playing us off against each other also which doesn’t help and has really tested my patience lately to the point we are rowing often (late teens)

would involving a mediator work? Can the courts order that we have a routine for access to stick too? I don’t know what else to try and I’m honestly getting so depressed by it all, I just don’t want to be here and the thought of dealing with this for another 10 years until the youngest is grown seems an eternity

i'm only at the start of all this - and imagine people will be on with much better advice or expertise - but yes, the only way to get this sorted is by having it much more official. you can go to mediator who can help work out set days/times and get it all written down. but if that doesn't work or he doesnt' stick to it - then you need to go to family court and get it court ordered - then he has to stick to it. If he's amicable - then it may be that that just suggesting such a thing means he pulls his socks up. also surely the kids want to know what's going on? and how do you do pick ups and drop offs? it's totally unacceptable for things to be random and unpredictable - for you and the kids.

Thank you! I had no notification of your reply and I’m still figuring out how to navigate this site 🙈
it’s extremely frustrating as he has good spells for a few months and he’s still pleasant and somewhat helpful (although still will not agree to set days and times) and then every few months has a tantrum such as above. Now the relationship is over I realise how manipulative he was throughout and put me down a lot, wore me down I suppose. I am so much happier out of it, just resent the fact that he can still try and cause issues because he doesn’t want to be accountable and be a grown up. He lives with family in the one spare room so never has the kids there, he will just turn up at mine to see them when he feels like. Will often message on say a Saturday to say he’s coming to see them Monday then not turn up and eventually text and say, I’ll be up tomorrow instead. So incredibly annoying. If I put my foot down it turns in to a row. He is good in other ways, he will take them on day trips now and again or a holiday, just will not allow a routine. I think I’m just going to have to put up with this for another year or two until the youngest is more independent and then I’ll be able to plan some free time for myself. I would like eventually to not have him at my home at all. He tends to turn up right around tea time / bath time when I’m catching up on cleaning so I hope in my room like a teenage for the 45 minutes he’s there 🙄

Presumably part of the problem is that he doesn’t have his own place. Which is where he should see his kids and where they can visit him.

Have you sorted out the financial end of things re the house. If not then he will still still see the house as partly his. Which is why he is turning up.

Yes to mediation to resolve co parenting and money. it is long overdue and that’s a fault on both of you.

But older kids will do what they want and sleep where they want. As parents you need to work together to keep a grip on things and know where they are and where they should be. Teens won’t be responsible because they are teens and can easily put themselves at risk.

Yes, financial side all sorted, we split 3 years ago, I bought him out of the house 2 years ago. The money seems to go on weekend ms in the pub, new cars and holidays with new women. I will say he does buy the kids anything they need and has taken them on holidays which I can’t afford. He’s a good dad but in small doses if that’s make sense. It’s a shame as when he is decent it works well. At the time of my post I was frustrated as he’d picked the kids up without saying, I only nipped out to get some food shopping, didn’t realise he literally took the kids to McDonald’s drive thru so 20 mins after he left, I get a phone call screaming abuse at me that I’d left the house and subsequently left the kids without a parent (the eldest is 15, I was 10 mins away from home). If I broach the subject of mediation he kicks off saying he’ll see his kids when he wants and not to accommodate me having my own life. I’m usually ok and don’t let it get to me, just through by this point all these issues would have been iron d out. I don’t make a fuss about him coming to the house otherwise he’d never see them and then the kids would blame me 🙄 he’s having a good spell at the moment, fingers crossed it lasts! I constantly worry that I’m failing my kids with all this but really don’t know how else to manage it unless we go through mediation but that’s money I don’t have and to be honest I don’t think he would adhere too

I think my original post was a knee jerk after being reduced to tears in the middle of Lidl by the phone call and I just thought, I cannot keep going through this every couple of months for the next however long. It’s a shame. And I try not to paint him in a bad light to the kids and really try to avoid rows, but that day ripped me over the edge I think. I just wondered if anyone had experience of family court to know if they can even resolve this type of thing. As a desperate attempt to have some sort of routine. It’s ridiculous to think I can’t even grab some shopping. He had been on a bender the night before and unfortunately the hangovers seem to push him in to taking out his misery on me

Unfortunately it's not true that either mediation or a court order will sort this out. Mediation isn't binding so unless you think he's reasonable enough to stick to any agreement you come to, it's just a waste of money. All a court order will do is stipulate that you as the resident parent have to make the children available for him to see at set times and dates. It doesn't require him to actually turn up. So all it would do is restrict your life even further.

The only way to get what you want is to arrange reliable childcare and let his inevitable insults wash over you.

Thank you! This is great, I didn’t want to force mediation and family court but would if it meant I’d be guaranteed some sort of routine. It’s an expense I can’t afford but would have found a way if it would truly help. I think he caught me at a really weak moment and I thought this would be a last ditch attempt at routine. Hopefully he will grow up a bit soon, the kids have started to make comments about his behaviour, I always try to justify his behaviour as I don’t want them thinking ill of their dad, they can come to tjat realisation as adults if so be. I’m much happier at the moment, and in all honestly, way happier out of the relationship in general. Nothing is ever plain sailing is it 🤣

You sound brilliant, honestly. I had a deadbeat dad and my mum never bad mouthed him but let me come to my own conclusions, which I did in my early teens. I'm super close to her but haven't seen him in over 20 years and very rarely think about him. I would say, though, don't feel like you have to actively defend him or justify him, which could muddy the waters.

Congrats on getting away from the lying cheat!

You need to set new boundaries and stick to them (although I accept it’s not always easy to get children to say no to their dad). He doesn’t come in your home anymore. He has no legal right to do so and he’s had time to sort an alternative. Stop organising contact for older dc - over 14 I stopped and told dc to sort direct with their dad. You can present this positively in that they have their own views and social life now. In return they are to let you know when they are going. Think about using a co-parenting app and not replying to calls and texts anymore. Ask for set times and prior approval of any changes for younger dc. I’d also get a doorbell camera so you can see and hear what happens if he turns up univited. You can also use drop in on Alexa device inside the home if the kids have let him in. I’d put your new position in writing and just not reply to the inevitable backlash. There’s nothing wrong with a 15 year old sitting for siblings if you want an evening out maybe pay them the going rate. Get your dc to message you if they go out with him unexpectedly. As far as parenting teens is concerned I didn’t get any support from ex with this but found reading some books helped on how to manage / avoid the rows. They do eventually grow up and appreciate how hard you have worked for them and see their dad for who he is. Probably unlikely to agree but picking up and dropping off at school etc can also minimise handovers. I think massively reducing his presence in your life will make you feel better and feeling your home is a private safe space will help a lot. I had call police once get ex to leave my house and that solved the problem.

Great advice.