Had to be done …..

[Done2024]

Hi,

Any advice on how to navigate a breakup whilst on maternity leave? DS is 8 months old planned to have a year. Currently weaning and is bottle fed. We’re not married, have a joint mortgage and I have a deed of trust.

When should I seek legal advice? I do not
wish to return to work early . Nor am I expected to atm. My partner wants to buy me out the house- fine I can’t afford it. I’ll buy my own house, it will be tight but could do it.

He says he wants 50/50 care. Yet I’m not sure how he’ll make this work as is always working ridiculous hours. Then plays a sport all day Saturday for half the year & is out every Saturday night in season.

I’m thinking I’ll have to just sit tight until I get back to work in Jan. I’ll be on statutory maternity pay soon.

I’ve told him that I no longer want to be a with him, he won’t leave the house. We’ve been here a few times before. Think he knows it’s different this time, I really mean. He’s currently in other child’s room/ bed. Worried he won’t support me financially now I’ve told him this.

Any advice would be appreciated. TIA x

What sort of advice are you after ?

you own the house as per there terms of the deed so that’s straightforward.

you need to think about child arrangements ( likely to be fluid as your child is young and change as they grow)

cns may be applicable depending on that

whether you can afford to return to work now or not is not clear , if you are not planning to the have you looked into benefits as this is what you’ll be on

what legal advice are you after ?

@millymollymoomoo Thanks for the message.

I have more equity in the house that him that I protected through a deed of trust. Should be pretty simple I believe when he buys me out.

If he doesn’t do the 50/50 but says he is going to where do you stand with that? I’m not expecting hand outs from him and know I won’t with 50/50 but find it hard to believe that he’s going to be able to do that. Re children we have 2, one at 6 months one at 6.

Suppose the legal stuff was around the children and house. Had planned to change jobs after my 12 month mat leave. Hate current role and the commute too far. Think I’ll sit tight for the rest of my maternity leave and be the best mum I can be to the kids, ensuring I’m really present.

Hope I’m doing the right thing!

You may be better to start now as you are without doubt primary parent.

Ensure child benefit for all DC is in your name.

Put in a claim for CMS, he can start doing his 50% now to demonstrate that actually he can't.

You can also claim for universal credit as a single parent despite living in the same house. You may not get much but perhaps you will be eligible for assistance toward childcare costs.

I would suggest that you find people to go and stay with overnight and leave him for 24 hours with the DC on a weekday and see how he is going to look after them and work.

Your child contact can also include each of you having the right to first refusal for looking after the DC. This means he has to offer you the opportunity to look after your DC before ropes in grandparents/friends and childcare. Also vice versa if he would like that too.

My point is, you own the house I guess as tenants in common with unequal shares which will be in the deed. Therefore, there’s nothing to sort other than do you sell
and Split the proceeds as per that, or does one buy the other out as per that. Thats it. You say he’ll buy you out, so I’m not sure what legal advise you need re the house.

if he doesn’t do 50:50 then you claim cms according to what he does do.

if you can’t agree on child arrangements then a cao and legal advice would be needed.

And I’m confused by your ‘ worried he won’t support me financially’ comment - because other than cms he doesn’t have to ( not saying that’s right just how it is)

As above I’d start now. It can take a long time, although as you aren’t married and you have a deed of trust it should be easier. He doesn’t have to give you support, just the kids, so apply now. And work out arrangements for the house sale to him - therefore what finances you’ll have to buy a new place asap.
id also start looking at the job market now so that you can hit the ground running so to speak when you get to that point.

I was in this position many years ago, so things might have changed, but I was able to claim tax credits as a single parent. I actually moved to rented as I couldn’t afford to buy for a few years.
What do you think is a realistic arrangement in terms of contact with the DCs? If he doesn’t hold up his side of the arrangement, I’m afraid there’s no recourse. You just have to pick up the slack there.
It’s hard going, and lonely at times, but I have never regretted my decision. My baby is now 18, and his brother 22. The baby doesn’t have any memory of us separating and has been largely unaffected by it, but the older one witnessed a lot of arguing that wasn’t good for him.

As your baby is so little, and you’re the main carer, it’s unlikely 50/50 is best for them. Are you breastfeeding? It’s the children’s best interest that matters, not what the parents want in terms of contact.

I don’t know if any of that is helpful.

I was in the same situation OP. Ex insisted he wanted 50:50, that 'he'd never give me a penny if I left'.

I just agreed with him, and left the dc with him for a whole weekend (Friday 4pm - Sunday 8pm). He discovered he couldn't go to the pub on Friday with his mates, missed tennis on Saturday, spent all his time cooking, feeding, changing, tidying up, bathing, and getting up in the night. Then he missed Sunday lunch pub as well. 😁

He never mentioned 50:50 again, and didn't have ds overnight until he was 5, full toilet trained, sleeping through reliably and using a knife and fork 😂And we only have one.

Good luck Op. It sounds like you will be absolutely fine. xx

Thanks all.

Re the financial support I meant now whilst on maternity leave @millymollymoomoo Worried he’ll reduce the money he gives me to pay the bills and feed the family etc. He said he won’t this morning so I need to trust this.

I will set the wheels in motion sooner rather than later. Will probs look at going back to work sooner if needs be and we will have to fork out for nursery bills @PiggieWig I honestly don’t know what he thinks he can do. He works late in the week and is out 2/3 nights a week with his friends.

He’s already started to be a nasty. It will be a really long six months if I don’t do something sooner. @Meadowfinch love this! I’m actually away for the night Thursday thinking I’ll do 2 nights instead to see how he copes.

@RandomMess & @SilverBranchGoldenPears this is really useful, I will. It feels like such a mess I just haven’t known where to start! Thought here would be a good starting point re advice x

If he starts being nasty and/or financially abusive then keep a log and find out if there is enough for an occupation until the house is sold.

If you separate then each of you needs to pay 50% of the house bills. You each buy your own food, he pays for food, nappies etc for his time and you for yours.

Have you family you could go and stay with?

If he says he is going to buy you out move the utility bills into his name. Also be aware he may use buying you out to be difficult and delay the process. All the more reason to move out if you can.

A few more little tactics.

If he cuts the housekeeping money but still expects you to do the shopping, adjust what you buy.

I bought Tesco value range spread & marmalade, cheap loo paper and placcy bag bread. I made liver & onions that first week. I turned the thermostat down on the hot water and cancelled the window cleaner. 😂😂😂

You'd have thought I'd asked him to eat gruel , talk about an over-reaction, but he didn't cut the house keeping again.

Re the financial support I meant now whilst on maternity leave ....Worried he’ll reduce the money he gives me to pay the bills and feed the family etc.

he doesn't have to pay those things if you separate though - he's not obliged to at all - especially if he has 50% custody he's not even down for CMS - he can stick them in full time childcare if he wanted to on his 50% and there isn't really much you can do about it

I think you need to plan to end maternity leave early to be honest - he's under no obligation to fund things until January - with you instigating the split I can imagine he feels even less like he wants to either

@ihaventfedthecat yes this something I’m considering later this year.

It isn’t clear cut as you outline above.He can’t do the 50/50 at present , I am the primary carer . He’s hardly here! We don’t want to nor can really afford the thousand pound plus a month nursery fees yet and the summer camp on top. I’ve always been super independent, if it wasn’t for my career and savings we couldn’t be where we our today.

We’re yet to talk everything through properly. Will happen this week.

The thing is it doesn't matter if he is hardly there - the court can still give him 50/50 - just like if full time working parents use childcare 730-6 5 days per week

Solicitor for advice, but anecdotally, if I had a pound for every one of my may divorced friends exes who were adamant they wanted 50/50 and actually went ahead with it I'd have exactly one pound. Won't happen in a month of Sundays.

Forge forward, if you know that's what's going to happen and there's nothing to gain by delaying it past a certain point then crack on. The longer you live under the same roof the more difficult it will get to remain amenable.