Would an emotional affair spell divorce for you

Treeslovetrees · 2024-07-12T11:05:42+00:00

Just that.. I don’t think anything physical but could be wrong of course . Am I overreacting? What are your thoughts about ending a long marriage if the other party appears to me to be having an emotional affair with dozens of indicative signs that they deny. Swears black is white that she is not interested in him and yet all her Messages between them have been deleted.

Itstherichthatgetthepleasureasusual · 12/07/2024 12:21

No you are not over reacting.
If there was nothing to hide the messages wouldn't have been deleted.
So he is swearing she is not interested in him. Is he also swearing he is not interested in her?
What are the other signs there is something going on between them?

DontBother123 · 12/07/2024 12:22

An emotional affair is an affair that has not yet turned physical. Cheaters will tell you they didn’t turn physical due to their morals, but it is usually due to lack of access and opportunity. If they’ve met up the chances are it’s been physical.

Knowing what I know now, I would bail.

HeChokedOnAChorizo · 12/07/2024 15:46

I forgave after finding out DP of 23 years was having an EA with a mutual friend.

We split up 3 years later as i realised i never truly forgave him and all the shit he put me through.

I never got the full story, was told it was all in my head, i was fucked in the head/mental for not believing he was never interested in her like that.

8 weeks after splitting up he moved in with her. Guess i wasnt that "fucked in the head" to never believe his bullshit.

AuntieEstablishment · 12/07/2024 15:47

I think that an emotional affair would be more difficult to forgive and forget than a pissed quickie on a night out.
I'm so sorry OP x

ThisCosyWasp · 12/07/2024 15:54

i couldnt forgive

Original poster

Treeslovetrees · 12/07/2024 16:21

@Itstherichthatgetthepleasureasusual
She is swearing she is not interested in him… he is doing all the charm and flattery and this is true I saw messages before and said it has to stop. Checked today and all messages gone.

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Treeslovetrees · 12/07/2024 16:23

@ThisCosyWasp me either, whilst they still work together I can’t relax. Thanks for the response.

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Treeslovetrees · 12/07/2024 16:25

@AuntieEstablishment that’s the thing it’s the ongoing enjoyment of getting attention that’s not form me.. her husband, my wife never says to him - don’t say that I am married.

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Treeslovetrees · 12/07/2024 16:26

DontBother123 · 12/07/2024 12:22

An emotional affair is an affair that has not yet turned physical. Cheaters will tell you they didn’t turn physical due to their morals, but it is usually due to lack of access and opportunity. If they’ve met up the chances are it’s been physical.

Knowing what I know now, I would bail.

Yeah that’s my fear too… it’s just a matter of time.

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BuggeryBumFlaps · 12/07/2024 16:29

It didn't, well not for 3 years anyway! I just couldn't get past his premeditated capacity for deceit. All the emotional energy he put into her, when it should have been with his family.

We limped on for 3 years after I found out but the relationship was never the same and I just couldn't get past it. We divorced for other reasons but looking back his EA was the beginning of the end .

Original poster

Treeslovetrees · 12/07/2024 16:29

HeChokedOnAChorizo · 12/07/2024 15:46

I forgave after finding out DP of 23 years was having an EA with a mutual friend.

We split up 3 years later as i realised i never truly forgave him and all the shit he put me through.

I never got the full story, was told it was all in my head, i was fucked in the head/mental for not believing he was never interested in her like that.

8 weeks after splitting up he moved in with her. Guess i wasnt that "fucked in the head" to never believe his bullshit.

I’m so sorry you went through that, weirdly she says I’m mental and he is ugly to not even entered her head to fancy him . She says I’m offending her by accusing. Things don’t add up. Sending photos of herself all ready to go out and I was mental for thinking that was a red flag apparently.

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Itstherichthatgetthepleasureasusual · 12/07/2024 16:30

I've seen your updates OP.
No I wouldn't be able to get over that disloyalty.
Emotional affair/ physical affair are both cheating.As they are both working together and presumably seeing each other regularly the one can easily develop into the other anyway.

HeChokedOnAChorizo · 12/07/2024 16:44

Treeslovetrees · 12/07/2024 16:29

I’m so sorry you went through that, weirdly she says I’m mental and he is ugly to not even entered her head to fancy him . She says I’m offending her by accusing. Things don’t add up. Sending photos of herself all ready to go out and I was mental for thinking that was a red flag apparently.

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I had it all too, he is not interested in her like that, she is just a friend, he doesn’t fancy her blah blah, but I knew, I just bloody knew he was lying to me and he was working his way to getting her into bed.

don’t know why I stayed, combination of rug being pulled, loved him, sunk fallacy, scared, holding it together for the kids, being even more skint, childcare with working etc, which looking back was valid reasons, but not enough to wreck my self esteem / self worth / mental health / inner peace.

LemonTT · 13/07/2024 07:36

My thinking on this issue is to try to out yourself in the situation where you would cheat on the person you love, emotionally or physically. A quick first pass says no I have no interest in anyone else. A bit more thinking about it takes you to those times when you have drifted apart and are may be not getting along or getting attention. Then I can see myself being vulnerable to attention blah blah blah or capable of falling for someone else.

But I am not that type of person so I don’t see it going anywhere. Life isn’t a romcom so unless you chase it you won’t be thrown together or compelled to flirt on WhatsApp.

then there is is the point that fundamentally I am not a cheater. I don’t think any good would come from doing it. I don’t like to lie to myself or other people. I don’t have the arrogance to think I would get away with it and I’m not willing to take risks with things that are important to me.

The above is why the drunken fumble is easy to forgive. It is why maybe emotionally reaching out when vulnerable is understandable once or twice but actively seeking that person out for months isn’t.

Finally remember you don’t need their permission to believe what you believe and they don’t have to agree with your reading of the situation. They would deny it but even if they think it is ok you don’t. His inability to acknowledge your belief system or morality or boundaries is the killer. Thats before you address the honesty issue. If he can’t admit he did something or he doesn’t believe he did something he can’t even ask for forgiveness. He can’t try to redeem it or change.

BuggeryBumFlaps · 13/07/2024 09:12

Always makes me laugh when they say 'ohhh she's not my type' makes me thing 'so if she was your type you'd go for it'

Original poster

Treeslovetrees · 13/07/2024 10:45

LemonTT · 13/07/2024 07:36

My thinking on this issue is to try to out yourself in the situation where you would cheat on the person you love, emotionally or physically. A quick first pass says no I have no interest in anyone else. A bit more thinking about it takes you to those times when you have drifted apart and are may be not getting along or getting attention. Then I can see myself being vulnerable to attention blah blah blah or capable of falling for someone else.

But I am not that type of person so I don’t see it going anywhere. Life isn’t a romcom so unless you chase it you won’t be thrown together or compelled to flirt on WhatsApp.

then there is is the point that fundamentally I am not a cheater. I don’t think any good would come from doing it. I don’t like to lie to myself or other people. I don’t have the arrogance to think I would get away with it and I’m not willing to take risks with things that are important to me.

The above is why the drunken fumble is easy to forgive. It is why maybe emotionally reaching out when vulnerable is understandable once or twice but actively seeking that person out for months isn’t.

Finally remember you don’t need their permission to believe what you believe and they don’t have to agree with your reading of the situation. They would deny it but even if they think it is ok you don’t. His inability to acknowledge your belief system or morality or boundaries is the killer. Thats before you address the honesty issue. If he can’t admit he did something or he doesn’t believe he did something he can’t even ask for forgiveness. He can’t try to redeem it or change.

Your last few sentences are the actually crux of things, her denial and therefore avoidance of responsibility is causing my head to hurt. She will not acknowledge my sense of reality. It looks like an emotional affair to me. She refuses to acknowledge how it looks for me and will not apologise in a meaningful way or asking for forgiveness.. pa.. never will that happen.

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