Will I ever stop feeling stressed at the sight/sound of him?

[finallyaskedfordivorce]

Stbexh and I separated a month ago. I'm relishing the peace and calm at home without him here. But whenever I know I'm going to have to see or speak to him (picking up or dropping off the kids for example), I feel my stress levels going off the chart! The same happens when I see a text or a WhatsApp coming through the phone from him.

Hes been pressuring me to have a "chat" about the finances. He's been to see a solicitor already. I emailed him earlier this evening and said I'd rather all communication about the finances be by email, and that I won't be agreeing to certain things until I've had some legal advice. He just tried to call me and i ignored his call. I feel like such a wimp! But I just can't deal with him face to face or on the phone. i find him over bearing and intimidating and i know hell just try and bully me into agreeing with him.

honestly i just want to never have to see or speak to him ever again but know that while we have young children that cant happen 😭

yes you will get to a better place, but for me not until the divorce was finished.

Your instincts to minimize contact is a good one

I appear to have poked the bear with my email earlier. He's talked at me a lot in the last week or 2 about how he sees this divorce going (straight 50/50 on everything plus a bonus for him for furniture/white goods since he's the one moving out). Apparently he's doing me a favour by not pursuing more than 50% of our house equity since I earn more than him 🙄 his basic salary is less than mine but his p60 for last year shows that with overtime and shift allowances it's really not that bad.

I simply informed him ( by email) that since I'm willing to share furniture and that I'm retaining the smaller car that has some outstanding finance on it I thought we should call it quits on the furniture end of things. And that I wasn't agreeing to an equity split until I'd had my own legal advice. Oh, and I'd like to get back my pre marital equity (only £20k but every penny counts and I figured this is a negotiation right?).

Apparently I'm making things contentious now. Because I'm not simply agreeing with him. Tbh, this is reminiscent of our entire marriage

It's hideous. I ended up terrified of my now ex husband, a man I'd had a baby with only two years previously. He thought I was going to move into rented with the children and give him the equity in the house. This was despite the fact that he had moved in with wealthy OW. They made my life an utter misery.

My advice is to completely ignore any requests for "chats", do not engage with his "negotiations" that benefit only him and take legal advice. If you must, tell him you'll discuss it during mediation. It does get better. Good luck

Oh and the truth is, if you're the resident parent, you're likely to get more than 50% regardless of what he earns.

Sorry to hear your divorce was so tough too. I always knew he'd be an even bigger twunt when we were no longer on the same "team". Fear of this kept me there much longer than I should have been.

We've been separated just over a year now, but he only moved out 6.5 months ago. Im hoping like PP said it'll get easier once the divorce is sorted. I focused on child arrangements first, we're still waiting on mediation for financials. Whatever you do don't be in the room with him, it was so horrible. Shuttle mediation second time, so different rooms, is much slower but I could cope with that. I still get really on edge around him, kids have weekly sport so see him way more than I like. He also says nasty things about me which upsets our eldest and then she understandably wants to talk about that and then it's kind of like he still in the house. A few months ago everything just sort of hit me at once and I had a really bad 3 months, it was years of stuff coming out. I don't think I'll feel completely safe till everything's sorted and we're in our own place but overall it is better than it was before and Im really glad I did it.

Oh I feel so much like you! Five. Months not living together and every medical appt I don't know if he will attend or not so I'm on edge until the appt is over. Although it has eased, and reading your post made me realise it started easing when I stopped all contact except through solicitor and co parenting app (where he can't delete anything).

Well done for putting boundaries in place. You said no to a talk, he ignored you and called anyway. You were not being a wimp by not answering, you were putting in a boundary. Exactly the right thing to do.

I understand the stress and anticipation you feel.

we don’t know your circumstances but in general it is better to sit down and talk about finances even though it can be hard. Of course sometimes it not possible. There are some people who’ve had very extreme ends of divorce battle ans therefore would say don’t, but for most people it’s not like that even though people obviously do disagree on finance. As each party wants to get the most. It’s not about winning/losing but being able to negotiate and compromise to reach fair outcomes for both parties. Most couples can do that by talking rather than through solicitors which can often inflame and antagonise things

your pre marital equity is only to being fenced or returned but like everything else can be bargaining chip. It’s reasonable if one party moves out to have some form of financial agreement that assists with. Using new furniture etc if the other party is retaining everything in the fmh. that’s not an unreasonable ask

are there children ?

Been separated a year and divorced since May. Finances still not sorted but near the end of that as financial order just approved. I still get anxiety when I see a white tesla and I have to check the number plate before I can breathe. It does get better though.

I'm ok with communicating via email, I just don't want to do it face to face. He's a bully! It's easier not to get steam rolled into agreeing something I'm not happy with via email.

Yes, 3 dc (1 of which will not see or speak to him and even if he does in the future it won't be for overnight stays).

I totally get that he's entitled to a fair share of everything, but I'm offering to share furniture, household goods etc (we have a lot of"stuff" and I'm happy to share rather than fork out for all new stuff) plus like I said, I'm retaining the car with the debt so just feel it offsets.
I'm by no means planning to leave him with nothing, I just want to make sure I get a good deal too and at the moment feel like he's trying to rush/strong arm me into a "quick" settlement which he benefits from.

Sorry to hear that. Realistically I know it'll get easier over time but it's hard to see that when you're at the start of the whole thing isn't it.

My first husband was the same. He actually thought I'd give him the key to my new house haha.
I had to be really tough and no communication other than email or solicitor.
40 years later even the mention of his name raises my blood pressure.
DS who only barely tolerates him says he's awful. He was violent to me.
DS says he's grown his hair to his waist and he thinks he's a shaman now. Not working of course.