Husband still looking at very provocative women online

[Stupidcupid1]

Hi all, I needed some advice and need to tell someone about this because I just don’t know what to do anymore.

My DH of 5 years, been together 10 years has this obsession at looking at scantly dressed women online. I first found out in 2018, after I was only 2 month pp with child 1. He was on social media then, all hell broke loose and he vowed to come off social media and stop doing it. In June of 2018, I saw on his phone he was going on private mode and still looking at times like 6am!

again he made the same promises, a part of my trust died with him then. In 2023 after the birth of DC 3 I checked again, I guess I was feeling insecure as my body has changed so much. Not only did I see he was googling these type of semi naked women but he had started watching music videos on YouTube. Baring in mind these days all these videos are super sexualised anyway. He kept searching for a female singer in particular and watching her YT videos.

again promises were made, I gave him an ultimatum saying if he didn’t fix up in one year I would end this relationship.

fast forward to 2024, not only is he still looking at this singer online he was searching escorts! When I questioned him he said his intentions were to never meet an escort but he used the images for his self pleasure.

when I have asked him why he continuously does this even after promising me he wouldn’t his answer is that is my fault because I make him feel lonely. I guess from all this unraveling since 2018 and him breaking his promise everytime I have put distance between us because I feel like I’m not enough for him or I don’t meet his sexual needs.

my head is all the place at the moment and I just wanted to reach out to anyone who has gone through this. I really need some advice, yes I gave him the ultimatum last year, but we have 3 children, a mortgage and I don’t want to disrupt thier little lives. I’ve come from a broken home and I don’t want my children to feel how I did. And he is right when he says I don’t make him feel loved, all this womanising stuff has made me really bitter. I have daddy trust issues and it’s my inner child that can’t let him in because I feel so betrayed.

any advice would be greatly appreciated. And apologies for this super long message. Many thanks if you took the time to read it to the end x

He's broken your trust despite being very clear.
He has put the blame into you and hasn't accepted any responsibility.
You've issued him an ultimatum. If you don't stick to it then he will continue and his behaviour has escalated over time. He cared so much about you and your family he just carried on. His needs were more important than anything else.

He's eaten, away at your confidence, but expects sex and blames you for it.

I don't know how you could ever have sex with him again. Or stay with him. You deserve better. Your kids deserve a happy, Confident mum.

There’s absolutely not point in you trying to impose this moral standard on him. He clearly doesn’t believe in it and if he tells you he does it is because of your ultimatum. Its a moral standard that people will either believe or not believe in.

Being stimulated by images of women is part of him. It’s not that usual for people to stimulated in this way. It’s not that unusual for people to find it disrespectful in a relationship. But at the end of the day you need to see that your views are incompatible.

Which leaves you to decide whether you are willing to accept his position on this. Personally the fact that he can’t be honest about it with you tells me you have fundamental problems.

Forget about trying to get him to change. Decide whether he is someone you can share a life with or not. If the financial stability matters more than your need for him to respect your standards then stay. But if it doesn’t then you should end it.

You can't stay in a relationship with someone who sleeps with escorts. Have you been for an sti check?

The rest is madness. Incessantly checking his phone for 'scantily clad women' and music videos . You should have put parental controls on his phone.