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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

What's really best for my children?

10 replies

Seaside1234 · 11/07/2024 18:35

So, I had another thread where I went into a bit more detail, but potted version is that husband does fuck all in practical or financial support, drinks heavily, and I have completely gone off him physically. I'm pretty sure I want to separate, but am struggling with the reality of this. We have DS, 15 and DD, 11 (just about to start high school). I can see that his behaviour is not what's best for them, but there are things they do with him that they all really enjoy and I don't, and I don't think they're actively affected by the situation (we are both very conflict averse and do a lot of pretending everything's fine). Finances shouldn't be an issue.

One of my fears is - is it really better for your children to separate from an unhappy marriage? Or when it comes down to it, does divorce cause more damage than we might want to admit?

Honest opinions welcome, TY in advance!

OP posts:
J0S · 11/07/2024 18:40

I’m sorry but of course they are adversely affected by having to pretend that everything is fine when it’s not.

If you separate then they will be away from their fathers drinking for most of the time. Your 15 year old can’t be forced to see their father if they don’t want to, so it will be their choice.

There is nothing to stop their father still doing all these fun things with them that they enjoy.

And it will be a lot easier in your case as finances are not an issue and you and your husband can agree a settlement .

BookArt · 11/07/2024 19:36

My friend's parent's stayed together until the Christmas after she started uni. As an adult her and her older brother wish she'd done it years before and both admit to being anti marriage and anti kids because of it. They knew what was going on at home really, they could sense it. They didn't get to experience happy parents or see a functioning, healthy relationship.

I think it's best for the kids to have happy parents. Divorce isn't easy. But in your case they shouldn't be living with someone with alcohol issues.

Original poster
Seaside1234 · 11/07/2024 21:30

I always said I wished my parents had split up, but now I think if it had actually happened the upheaval would have been at least equally traumatic. So many people talk about what a negative event their parents' divorce was in their lives that I don't know if one is genuinely better than the other. I feel like whatever I do I'll be wrong.

OP posts:
Finallyfreenearly · 11/07/2024 21:39

That’s a very tough one. I know the idea of my parents splitting up was terrifying as a child (I found out later that he had had affairs and she chose to stay).

I was given a chance to leave my DH (more affairs!) and it’s been the best thing for
us. Of course there have been very challenging times but overall, I’m able to be a much more present mum because I’m not just trying to survive any more. Another very important thing is that I’ve met someone who is amazing and they can now see what a wonderful relationship looks like. I am really grateful for that. I don’t ever want them to grow up thinking that what me and their dad had was acceptable.

Original poster
Seaside1234 · 11/07/2024 21:49

Thank you all for your thoughts, by the way. I know that in many situations there won't be a right answer. I wish so much I wasn't in this situation, but I don't think I can make myself fall back in love with him.

OP posts:
Icandefinitelydothis · 11/07/2024 22:12

Seaside1234 · 11/07/2024 21:30

I always said I wished my parents had split up, but now I think if it had actually happened the upheaval would have been at least equally traumatic. So many people talk about what a negative event their parents' divorce was in their lives that I don't know if one is genuinely better than the other. I feel like whatever I do I'll be wrong.

I really sympathise OP. Rather than ‘wrong’, how about thinking that whatever you do, will be a challenge…. That’s inevitable. Would thinking lightly further ahead help? Staying together would continue unhealthy exposure and have you in an unhappy relationship (kids do see this), and likely a future separation anyway. Separation and divorce would be difficult too but has much more scope for offering a positive and healed future for you all.

BookArt · 12/07/2024 06:09

My kids are young and I didn't fully realise the effect the relationship was having in them. Since we left a few months ago we are all more relaxed, happier, enjoying things more, and others are commenting on the change. Now I wish I'd left sooner.
It's so hard knowing what is right and if you had your way it's always the choice of happy, safe and healthy. But in this situation there are negatives to both.
My friend asked me 'would you be happy fir your children to be in the same relationship when they're adults?' it was a definite no for me. I was modelling an unhealthy relationship.

MulberryBushRoundabout · 12/07/2024 06:17

Kids pick up on more than you think. Pretending everything is fine probably isn’t fooling them. So then you’re modelling what a relationship should look like.

For what it’s worth, my parents divorced. I feel like it wasn’t the divorce that hurt me, it was my father’s behaviour. I was very much not a central part of his life, and 25 years on I haven’t spoken to him in 10 years. Which I realise you can take either way - but being a good father, whether in or out of a marriage, is his responsibility.

Original poster
Seaside1234 · 12/07/2024 12:05

BookArt · 12/07/2024 06:09

My kids are young and I didn't fully realise the effect the relationship was having in them. Since we left a few months ago we are all more relaxed, happier, enjoying things more, and others are commenting on the change. Now I wish I'd left sooner.
It's so hard knowing what is right and if you had your way it's always the choice of happy, safe and healthy. But in this situation there are negatives to both.
My friend asked me 'would you be happy fir your children to be in the same relationship when they're adults?' it was a definite no for me. I was modelling an unhealthy relationship.

That's a really pertinent question, thanks to both you and your friend! No, I wouldn't want them to be in this relationship, and I would say they'd done enough and it wasn't their problem to solve.

OP posts:
BookArt · 12/07/2024 22:21

You've done enough.

It's scary making the leap. But I don't know anyone who has regretted it.

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