Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Does she have a point

27 replies

GottheTshirt123 · 11/07/2024 01:38

Currently divorcing wife. Need some help

She had a difficult childhood with parents having a really messy divorce. As such I always said it would be up to her to choose what she wanted to take away.
Long story short she had been threatening to leavee for years so I had enough earlier in the year and applied to divorce her. She was tell angry!

Anyway we agreed for sake of 16 and 19 year old DC to be amicable. She decided that we would split 50/50. So this is what we told the kids.

As background I have always earned all or most money and for many years a really good salary
However this all coincided withy business going bust and money tree cut down. She inherited 80k 18 months ago which paid off some of mortgage. She has been speaking to someone and has now changed her mind 3 times! She now wants an extra 80l which will leave me and the kids living in a hoval as it's expensive here.

As an aside I have realised I have been living with decades of emotional abuse from her and she's not the person I thought she was and she's being really unpleasant now.

What should I do.

P. non of my school or uni friends could stand her I wished I had listened to_ them. And most of them were girls?

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 11/07/2024 01:41

Did she take time out of her career to stay home with the children?

CheekyHobson · 11/07/2024 01:49

So this is what we told the kids.

Your children don't need to know the details of your divorce. Leave them out of it.

As background I have always earned all or most money and for many years a really good salary

And did she stay home and raise the kids and look after the house? The law regards this as equally valuable in contribution to working for salary or wages.

However this all coincided withy business going bust and money tree cut down.

What a bizarrely passive statement. What actually happened? Are you suggesting you now no longer have any earning capacity?

She inherited 80k 18 months ago which paid off some of mortgage. She has been speaking to someone and has now changed her mind 3 times! She now wants an extra 80l which will leave me and the kids living in a hoval as it's expensive here.

A lawyer would be best to advise on the money split; your ex may well be able to claim a greater share of assets if she does not have a pension pot or the ability to earn at the same level as you. The children will presumably have at least one non-hovel home to choose to live in?

Aquamarine1029 · 11/07/2024 01:52

As background I have always earned all or most money

And she did nothing, right? 🙄

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/07/2024 01:56

money tree cut down

Not worth replying after this.

vodkaredbullgirl · 11/07/2024 03:22

🙄

Lp21x · 11/07/2024 03:31

Difficult child hood have t most People … no excuse stand ur. Ground and get legal advice she can’t control u any more mate she making u feel bad don’t fall for it sorry harsh but true 😞

Original poster
GottheTshirt123 · 11/07/2024 04:22

We both told children... At the time it was not contentious. In retrospect a mistake.
To add a bit of background. I rebuilt her mother's house for making it far more valuable. I recently rebuilt our house so his brother and kids could come from an abusive relationship to a stable home. This destroyed my health and my business as I had to do it own my own with no help from dw. However the upside has been it made us a lot of money.

Yes she did stay at home.

OP posts:
Original poster
GottheTshirt123 · 11/07/2024 04:24

So I only see it as fair that it's split 50/50. Or perhaps I'm being unreasonable.
I made the money tree comment because when I was earning. It was never enough for her.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 11/07/2024 05:00

Her ability to earn in the future is diminished because she stayed home with the children. You have a higher earning capacity because she handled that responsibility for you.

50:50 is a starting point, but a court could easily look at her diminished earning capacity and rule that she needs a bigger portion of your assets.

Macaroni46 · 11/07/2024 07:21

You need to get impartial legal advice rather than asking strangers.

Also, being MN, you'll not get much sympathy on here. Many posters automatically find fault with the man regardless of the situation.

Bluebell06 · 11/07/2024 07:42

This is MN. According to most (women) on here you should leave with a shirt on your back 🤣

TeenLifeMum · 11/07/2024 07:46

I wouldn’t expect half of her inheritance so I’d take that out then split 50/50. You benefited from part of the mortgage being paid off and reduced interest during that time but once spilt, why should you benefit get her inheritance and loss of a family member? In the scheme of things £40k isn’t massive and your company may have gone bust but you have a greater earning potential.

Octavia64 · 11/07/2024 07:47

You need legal advice.

In general if it has been a long marriage (and the kids being 16 and 19 suggest that it has) then the starting point for the courts is 50:50 however there are a lot of other factors that could mean it is different.

In particular the needs of the children and put first - so they will need to be housed. In an ideal world both parties will be able to buy a house big enough for themselves and the children.

Original poster
GottheTshirt123 · 12/07/2024 01:46

Yes I've noticed I distinct lack of impartial helpful advice from some. It would just have been nice to have sorted before mediation or through mediation but I have a horrible feeling that's not going to happen

OP posts:
BigPussyEnergy · 12/07/2024 02:00

Surely that’s the point of mediation?

Your one sided input here doesn’t give her side whereas in mediation both parties get the chance to put their points across and try to understand each others pov.

Fwiw as a lower earner and mum of 3 DCs while my ex was out earning all the money and I was home doing nothing raising our children, I got a bigger proportion of assets than my XH, but he got the freedom to go and earn even more money so by the time we retire we should both be in a similar position.

Most importantly he has enabled me to stay in the family home with the children as they grow, giving them stability and a happy home life. He’s been welcome to visit and even stayed here over the years, with my subsequent partner (and his shorter term GF) being very understanding about it all.

The only important thing here is that the children aren’t made aware of any contentious issues, they should feel that all decisions are made with their best interests at heart. They didn’t ask for this and they don’t need to be staying in “hovels” - if you can’t afford a decent place for them to stay then don’t make them stay.

laughoutloud369 · 12/07/2024 23:35

How I would love to read your ex's version of events.
Somehow think the truth is somewhat more balanced

BandwagonsFull · 13/07/2024 03:00

I hope you don't mind me asking @BigPussyEnergy , in your situation you say you've been able to remain in the family home, does your ex husband have to contribute/pay towards the bills and mortgage?
Sorry, just trying to understand my own potential situation!

CeruleanDive · 13/07/2024 07:00

Yes she did stay at home.

That says it all. No acknowledgement that "yes, she did take time out of her career".

Yes I've noticed I distinct lack of impartial helpful advice from some.

People are spending time and energy to respond to your request for help and advice. Just a complaint from you. Rather entitled.

Of course it's mainly women on here, many of whom have seen enough shit male behaviour to last two lifetimes, and will call it out. There are also a number of men who seem to do nothing but moan about that. You want women's perspective, but only if it supports your own view.

laughoutloud369 · 13/07/2024 09:28

So not only has she compromised her own earning capacity by doing nothing---- supporting you to work those hours and looking after your home/DC, you want to keep hold of her pretty recent inheritance.

Regardless of your opinion of her You will always have more earning capacity than her if she has been out of the workforce a long time.

Did your business provide a pension for her?

Is she working now?

You come across as pretty questionable morally.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/07/2024 14:00

CeruleanDive · 13/07/2024 07:00

Yes she did stay at home.

That says it all. No acknowledgement that "yes, she did take time out of her career".

Yes I've noticed I distinct lack of impartial helpful advice from some.

People are spending time and energy to respond to your request for help and advice. Just a complaint from you. Rather entitled.

Of course it's mainly women on here, many of whom have seen enough shit male behaviour to last two lifetimes, and will call it out. There are also a number of men who seem to do nothing but moan about that. You want women's perspective, but only if it supports your own view.

I think I'm going to start a paid (for men) website called HandmaidensRUs where men can pay to get patted on the head, told they are right, told women be bitches, and they're right to treat us horribly. There'd be a disclaimer, "advice for entertainment purposes only, talk to a real woman for reality".

I'd make a fortune.

StormingNorman · 13/07/2024 14:06

TeenLifeMum · 11/07/2024 07:46

I wouldn’t expect half of her inheritance so I’d take that out then split 50/50. You benefited from part of the mortgage being paid off and reduced interest during that time but once spilt, why should you benefit get her inheritance and loss of a family member? In the scheme of things £40k isn’t massive and your company may have gone bust but you have a greater earning potential.

Family pot?

StormingNorman · 13/07/2024 14:10

There is a Dadsnet board where you might get more balanced responses. You can ask MNHQ to move the thread for you I think. Or you can just report in there.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 13/07/2024 14:14

IS OP a man though? Lesbians can get married and have children.

Jonisaysitbest · 13/07/2024 14:30

Presumably you agreed it would be OK for her to stay home & care for your children? Tbh, once you hit more than one child the astronomical cost of childcare often makes one of you staying at home for a while a sensible and prudent option.

Don't underestimate her contribution to your children's childhood and your career through doing this. I sense from the way your original post is worded that perhaps you do?
If this is your attitude it may account for her current unpleasantness towards you.

For the sake of your children it's worth engaging with mediation so that you can both express your views.
At the end of the day, there is a legal process which is designed to ensure you both receive what you are entitled to. You might not like it but, as a PP above said, just because she wasn't engaged in paid work doesn't mean she wasn't working or contributing.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/07/2024 18:31

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 13/07/2024 14:14

IS OP a man though? Lesbians can get married and have children.

Refers to female friends as 'girls' and appeals to their expertise. I doubt it.