Stay close to children in a new town or move

[Adadda]

Hi All,

My ex and I split up during her pregnancy but continued living together as I didn[t want to walk out on my son and leave her. It worked okish for the first 2 or 3 years but I have moved out and followed her to a town where I dont know anybody and feel very isolated. I have lived here 2 years and have been coparenting but feel increasingly uncomfortable going to here flat as we decided it would be best if the kids have one main home instead of dividing the time. Although the kids do sleep at mine sometimes. I feel lucky in the way that she really wants me in their lives but she told me that she is seeing someone now and I feel eventually they will live together. I want to move to a city two hours away as I have friends there but feel guilty as I dont know how the kids would react from seeing me daily to only every other weekend. I think staying here will lead to some serious mental health issues eventually. Can you give me any advice? Should I try another year here and is this situation sustainable?

Personally, my children come first and I couldn't drop from everyday to every other weekend.
From the children's point of view it's the same. And also they would have to do a four hour round trip which I'm assuming you would be facilitating this as it would be your decision to move.
I love that up until now you and mum have Co parented where the children's needs have been the main focus. However I do think you need to start putting in a more sustainable child care plan. As you've said, now she is dating it is awkward, and it is unlikely that you'll continue popping round if they get more serious. The kids should be spending time at your consistently.
In the meantime what group have you joined to make friends? What hobbies do you have? In your kid free time you can also make those connections in your current location.
If you've already tried and you feel the need to move, then you need to discuss with mum what the plan would look like before you do anything else.

I wouldn't prioritise going out with my mates over my kids. My kids come first, then everything else has to fit around that.

Hi All,

Thanks for the input. I am going to stay and just have a few more holidays etc and make more of an effort socially. I think resentment was building up that she had kids with me when she just wanted a dad but not a partner and it came out. Also, you are all absolutely right that the kids have to come first. We have discussed it and are going to try nesting so at alternate weekends I will stay at her place and she will go away and I will have the kids completely one weekday. She said this would be great for her as she needs some me time aswell. So this might reduce the overall time a bit but will make it less stressful. I think I was blase that I could spend so much time around my ex and move on. Also, she needs to agree to change the custody agreement but I think it will be fine and I will suggest if her new partner moves in then we go to alternate weekends for the kids to stay at mine. This is something I will insist on though as we have had many disagreements about me wanting to take the kids out at the weekend and she has a family / social commitment. So I would recommend that even in amicable situations this should be formalised so it is clear to everybody. Im also going on a holiday to recharge. I think that Ive spent a long time putting everyones needs before my own and a bit of time away will be enough to come back with some positivity. Thank you all for the advice.

You need to stay near your children.

unless they are very young, they also need to start living in your home. You should be just as much of a day to day parent as your ex. You shouldn’t feel like a visitor with your children.

instead of pulling back, pull closer. Get a schedule going of the days and nights they will live in your home and you will do the school runs and help them with homework. Your relationship will be much stronger.

Also, I think that just by writing this down it has clarified that it is mostly my issues and I need to sort them out. Also, I realised it before reading the other posts but everyone is right the kids always come first and they need more regular contact. So I can still be in touching distance but not have to see my ex so much and we will just not be in the same living space together.

Thanks again.

I will think about getting them to live at mine. I read an article from a woman whose parents divorced and she said she was happy they agreed to not make her move between them. I thought I could just come and go so I live very close and do help with the school run , making breakfast and putting them to bed but obviously that wasnt sustainable. I think I will try nesting at hers 2/ 3 nights per week and if it doesnt work out we can move to a 3 /4 days custody so I have them 3 days . I think my ex should agree.

I knew reading the title of this that it was written by a guy. Why do men think they can just opt out of parenting cause it's hard to co parent.
You need to sort a co parenting agreement and have the kids at your place.

I think you are right sharing her place won`t work long term. Thanks for some clarity.

He wasn't suggesting that. He was suggesting that he was suffering MH wise from being isolated and feeling g awkward. He's posted some pretty good updates since on way forward ... maybe try to be supportive rather than attack?

I would get the children used to coming to your house. Moving away is likely going to be to your detriment with your relationship with the children,.

I've been in a similar ISH situation. I'm in a town I wouldn't have ever chosen to live in. Had a child with ex and then we split. I stayed in this area to help the relationship with child and exhusband. Ex is not easy and ds has an up and down time with him, but it's better he's in his life than not. And it's better that I'm close by when he has to go to his dad's.

My male friend has a situation with his ex where he goes to her house a lot. He lives 30 miles from his son in a busy area....he does loads of driving and feels really uncomfortable in her house. He even has meals with her and their child. It makes him utterly miserable. He does have his child at his house on weekends but to see his child more, he does the driving and being in his ex's house. It's not nice for him and he's been doing it over ten years now.

So yes, I think staying near is better on the whole but you'll have to try and do some things for yourself. What's the work situation? Try doing some.social activities to make local friends and make a life for yourself.