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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Advice on asking husband for separation

15 replies

Otiumgrove · 10/07/2024 10:46

I am building up the nerve to tell my husband that I want us to separate.

I won’t go into all the details - however this is a very long time coming. We’ve been married 10 years, with 2 DC. We were together 8 years before we married. The man that I am married to today bears very little resemblance (in terms of character/personality) to the man that I married. I believe that he has been emotionally abusive to me, and I believe he thinks this is “normal” behavior as a result of his upbringing. He has been very cruel.

I am nervous and feel very unprepared for how the conversation might go/how he might react (although this shouldn’t be a surprise to him). Does anyone have any advice for how to prepare? Any good resources? I would like him to leave the family home (I am the lead parent - he doesn’t have much of a clue about the day to day routine of our children) but don’t know how/if I can achieve that?

Fortunately I have my own income and savings.

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 10/07/2024 11:17

You might want him to leave but he doesn’t have to

you’ll have to start divorce and agree finances if he says no, or try to get occupation order - which will be difficult unless there are v clear documented reasons

most couples stay in same house while separating. Where are you thinking he will go ?

Original poster
Otiumgrove · 10/07/2024 11:32

millymollymoomoo · 10/07/2024 11:17

You might want him to leave but he doesn’t have to

you’ll have to start divorce and agree finances if he says no, or try to get occupation order - which will be difficult unless there are v clear documented reasons

most couples stay in same house while separating. Where are you thinking he will go ?

He has mentioned before (when threatening to leave me multiple times) that he would rent a flat in the area. But I don't know if he would want to do that in reality. Thanks for the advice.

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IndependenceDay · 15/07/2024 22:56

Hey @Otiumgrove I feel exactly the same. I have a v similar situation. My H has threatened to go to a flat in town but sadly for me - never has. He doesn't want to actually split as the current arrangement suits him just fine - but he's cruel and neglectful a great deal of the time and I cannot continue like this

I have put a date in my diary in 2 months time to tell him. He wont accept it and when he does, he will be absolutely beyond livid

I can't bear to think what the kids could experience during this time if we have to continue to living together

I also my own income etc, but just trying to emotionally prepare foe the onslaught of anger!

Original poster
Otiumgrove · 16/07/2024 06:39

IndependenceDay · 15/07/2024 22:56

Hey @Otiumgrove I feel exactly the same. I have a v similar situation. My H has threatened to go to a flat in town but sadly for me - never has. He doesn't want to actually split as the current arrangement suits him just fine - but he's cruel and neglectful a great deal of the time and I cannot continue like this

I have put a date in my diary in 2 months time to tell him. He wont accept it and when he does, he will be absolutely beyond livid

I can't bear to think what the kids could experience during this time if we have to continue to living together

I also my own income etc, but just trying to emotionally prepare foe the onslaught of anger!

Gosh I could have written this myself. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I spent a long time thinking that I could put up with his behavior/hold out until whatever midlife crisis he is going through has passed) - and keep the family together for the kids. But it's been more than a year, and I've realized there's a limit to how long I can last/what I can get through.

OP posts:
IndependenceDay · 16/07/2024 08:10

Exactly. It's not just him being useless but being resentful and so cold to me. I can't imagine the kids having 2 homes, having to stand apart at sports day, possibly my H bringing women into their lives but my situation at home is becoming intolerable.

I'm running around like a headless chicken while he makes shitty remarks, lies on the sofa, and i try to talk to him about any of it he gets v nasty

The thing I've observed is when he's hurt he does not care about anyone else but himself or think about consequences - e.g he shouted at me while I was on a zoom call to my boss, he's sworn and screamed in front of DC, when i had an old friend stay from NYC he got in a huff and went to bed and refused to acknowledge her

This makes him a v scary man to divorce. I will put on a brave face, be civil for the kids, try my hardest to be an adult despite what I'm feeling inside - its clear he will not do the same.

It's so so hard. Every option feel so shit. I'm so sorry you're living through similar

I do keep thinking to myself better to live with integrity and leave than bite my tongue for the next 40 years.

Do you have a plan? Do you feel your mind is made up?

Original poster
Otiumgrove · 16/07/2024 22:28

I'm so sorry, that's awful. I have a lot of similarities in terms of my situation (including him shouting at me while I'm working at home - which I felt was a huge line to cross, and showed how little respect he has for me).

We've recently started marriage counselling (which he resisted for years) but I do feel I'm at the end of my tether and that I've "seen things I cant unsee" in terms of the behaviour he is capable of. So I'm also taking some legal advice and trying to think through what separation might look like in practice (hence this thread! :-) How about you?

OP posts:
yestoanother50 · 18/07/2024 02:00

It's tough and my only advice is to get your support systems in place so you can make the move with our without his consent. It's taken 2 years for us to get to the point where DH calmly accepted it was over and to take the step of finding somewhere else to live but it took him having a breakdown then going on meds to be able to have a reasonable discussion with him about it. Before that he was a horrible shit all the time and would fly into a poor me rage at the suggestion that things weren't working even though we were both desperately miserable. I came to realise he was just terrified of having to live like an adult! With meds and psychiatric support he is having regular conversations with grown up professionals that he respects so he's decided it's best for him, of course, and lucky for him I've agreed 🙄. Meanwhile I am holding my tongue to keep the peace.

Have you ever had a conversation with your DH about your relationship? Will he see this coming, do you think?

Aquamarine1029 · 18/07/2024 02:11

I wouldn't be looking to have a conversation, that's for certain. The back and forth will get you nowhere, and you're not needing his permission or agreement. I would tell him that after much consideration, you have decided that divorce is the only way forward. I would ask him to move out but you need to be fully prepared for him to say no. If it's also legally his home, you cannot demand he leave.

Original poster
Otiumgrove · 18/07/2024 09:29

Thank you for the reply. Yes we have spoken about the relationship, as for much of last year he was threatening to leave me, telling me how awful I was, telling me that younger women would be queuing to be with him etc. I now wish I'd taken him up on his offer to leave...but I was intent on keeping the family together for the children. I've since realized that there is a limit to what I can cope with. I also feel that even if he did apologize etc now, my trust in him is broken - I would just be waiting for him to do this again. Your description of "poor me" rage is very familiar. Thank you for the advice, and I'm sorry you have gone through what you have.

OP posts:
Original poster
Otiumgrove · 18/07/2024 09:30

yestoanother50 · 18/07/2024 02:00

It's tough and my only advice is to get your support systems in place so you can make the move with our without his consent. It's taken 2 years for us to get to the point where DH calmly accepted it was over and to take the step of finding somewhere else to live but it took him having a breakdown then going on meds to be able to have a reasonable discussion with him about it. Before that he was a horrible shit all the time and would fly into a poor me rage at the suggestion that things weren't working even though we were both desperately miserable. I came to realise he was just terrified of having to live like an adult! With meds and psychiatric support he is having regular conversations with grown up professionals that he respects so he's decided it's best for him, of course, and lucky for him I've agreed 🙄. Meanwhile I am holding my tongue to keep the peace.

Have you ever had a conversation with your DH about your relationship? Will he see this coming, do you think?

Thank you for the reply. Yes we have spoken about the relationship, as for much of last year he was threatening to leave me, telling me how awful I was, telling me that younger women would be queuing to be with him etc. I now wish I'd taken him up on his offer to leave...but I was intent on keeping the family together for the children. I've since realized that there is a limit to what I can cope with. I also feel that even if he did apologize etc now, my trust in him is broken - I would just be waiting for him to do this again. Your description of "poor me" rage is very familiar. Thank you for the advice, and I'm sorry you have gone through what you have.

OP posts:
Original poster
Otiumgrove · 18/07/2024 09:31

Aquamarine1029 · 18/07/2024 02:11

I wouldn't be looking to have a conversation, that's for certain. The back and forth will get you nowhere, and you're not needing his permission or agreement. I would tell him that after much consideration, you have decided that divorce is the only way forward. I would ask him to move out but you need to be fully prepared for him to say no. If it's also legally his home, you cannot demand he leave.

Thank you for the advice

OP posts:
Drizzlebizzle · 18/07/2024 09:36

I'd concentrate your energy on what you want and need for practical purposes - so that you're effectively telling him what's going to happen, not asking him. The more he knows about what's going on in your head the more vulnerable you are.

olderbutwiser · 18/07/2024 13:31

You’ve done a massive thing here - you’ve taken control of your life. Well done.

Do you have a clear understanding of how things will work out financially - eg are you able to buy him out of the house? Child arrangements?

Your mindset has to be that you are telling him the marriage is over. It’s not a conversation.

Be prepared for him to go off on one initially - if you are tied with marriage, mortgage and kids then separating is quite complicated and its best not to make big decisions in the heat of the moment.

Original poster
Otiumgrove · 18/07/2024 18:05

olderbutwiser · 18/07/2024 13:31

You’ve done a massive thing here - you’ve taken control of your life. Well done.

Do you have a clear understanding of how things will work out financially - eg are you able to buy him out of the house? Child arrangements?

Your mindset has to be that you are telling him the marriage is over. It’s not a conversation.

Be prepared for him to go off on one initially - if you are tied with marriage, mortgage and kids then separating is quite complicated and its best not to make big decisions in the heat of the moment.

Thank you for the kind comment. I'm trying to get my head round the financial side of things. As you say I don't want to initiate this conversation until I'm pretty sure of my position. But at the moment I'm finding it difficult to get through each day. Child arrangements is another thing that really worries me. And the fact that we will have to work together/communicate/ make definite decisions together for as long as they are growing up

OP posts:
Original poster
Otiumgrove · 18/07/2024 18:05

Drizzlebizzle · 18/07/2024 09:36

I'd concentrate your energy on what you want and need for practical purposes - so that you're effectively telling him what's going to happen, not asking him. The more he knows about what's going on in your head the more vulnerable you are.

That's good advice, thank you

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