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Divorce/separation

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Sexual Coercion

6 replies

kinkk · 09/07/2024 21:09

I need some feedback. Please! I've been married 27 years. We have four kids and a grandchild. My husband and I have never been "matched" sexually - we've never found a comfortable physical relationship in our marriage. Twice he's been "forceful." Let me explain. Once, after traveling to my grandmother's funeral, with three kids with us in a hotel room, he wanted to be together. I was grieving and exhausted. But he wouldn't leave me alone so I consented after the kids were asleep. My heart was broken he'd even suggest it because of the death, and it bothers me today. Another time was right after we brought our fourth child home from the hospital - he was all over me and wouldn't leave me alone even after I kept turning him away. He "cornered" me against a closet and suggested it again so I gave up and used my hand so he'd stop. I cried. Throughout our marriage he's been very moody when it comes to sex - if he gets it often enough he's pretty happy and chatty, but when he doesn't he gets quiet and sulky. I've brought all this up to him - he's apologized and said he doesn't even remember the two above times when I felt so pressured. At this point I hate sex and would prefer to not be together, but I do to keep the peace. He's also very appearance-oriented and I find him just staring at my body pretty often in kind of a creepy way. When our sons (21 and 23 years old) mention meeting someone, his first question is to ask if the girl is hot. I can't imagine another 27 years of this. It's so shallow. My stomach is in knots most of the times he is home. Help! Please give me your honest thoughts.

OP posts:
Thefutureismyaim · 09/07/2024 21:21

You need to leave. This man does not respect you.
my husband was the same. He coerced me into having sex with him when our child was a few weeks old. I was still sore, still bleeding and didn’t feel ready. I cried all the way through.
he used to make me have sex whilst our child was in the room asleep, despite me telling him I didn’t want to have sex whilst our child was in the room.
he used to throw things and shout and storm about the house if I didn’t want to have sex.
all these behaviours are coercive and controlling behaviours and it amounts to sexual abuse.
it wont get better.
it will only stop if you leave which is what I eventually did but I stayed far too long.

GoldDuster · 09/07/2024 21:25

Free yourself. This is making my stomach lurch, I'm so sorry. Just because he doesn't remember the two times when he forced you to have sex that you didn't want, doesn't mean that it didn't happen. It happened and it has made you feel a certain way and that is reality.

Only you know if you can do another 27 years of this, I'd personally choose some peace.

Frostynight · 09/07/2024 21:28

I had 25 years, and it made me a shell of myself. I left and don't regret it for a second.

You have the rest of your life to lead. You can leave.

kinkk · 10/07/2024 21:32

Thanks everyone. I don't think I know what a healthy sexual relationship is supposed to look like. I'm so afraid our kids have picked up on this and will think it's normal.They are 17, 21, 23 and 25, and I hope our boys respect women and our girls expect to be respected.

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 10/07/2024 21:39

Jesus. What a disgusting excuse of a man. You're married to a pig who has zero conscience about being a full-on sexual predator of his own wife. What the fuck does he think you are?

This total dehumanising of you into an object he can use for his sexual urges is utterly vile.

pikkumyy77 · 10/07/2024 21:41

Leave and live in peace.

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