Overnights with toddler - child custody

Cdgnjiorfbjku · 2024-07-09T18:52:22+00:00

I'm going through a divorce with my STBXH and we have two kids 4yrs and an18mth old He was quite happy for me to have the kids every night and him see them a few days a week until he realised that child support is based on how many nights the children stay at each house and is keen to pay less. He has never looked after either child at night, if oldest wakes he brings them to me and the youngest still bedshares and breastfeed throughout the night. Neither sleep through the night. My question is will any of this be taken into consideration if we seek legal advice or will they just say he should have them a couple of nights a week? I don't want to waste energy fighting it if its a losing battle but I hate the idea of my kids being upset at night because he wants to save money!

millymollymoomoo · 09/07/2024 20:15

Unlikely to be
a few overnights is reasonable

you may be able to build up over a period of time so ask for that

HVPRN · 09/07/2024 21:24

You could ask him to pay the lesser amount but keep the children over night if it means you keep your babies with you?

Justasleep · 09/07/2024 21:56

millymollymoomoo · 09/07/2024 20:15

Unlikely to be
a few overnights is reasonable

you may be able to build up over a period of time so ask for that

Agree that there would probably be grounds to build up slowly to anything up to 50:50

millymollymoomoo · 09/07/2024 22:37

It’s hard but you also need to think about how best to support your children to be happy and confident to stay over with him. He is their dad and he should be able to have them.

BookArt · 10/07/2024 06:38

I'd either offer to take the lesser amount and keep them overnight with you. Or build up...
I know it's not want you hear but courts are in favour of dad's playing an active role. Unfortunately courts don't see that some dad's suddenly step up for financial reasons only.

Original poster

Cdgnjiorfbjku · 10/07/2024 06:47

Thanks for all your replies. Glad I asked as it's pretty clear it's a battle I'd lose so I'll let that one go. Great idea to offer for him to pay the lesser amount and keep them with me, I may go down that road.

A lot of this divorce seems to be about control for him so maybe I need to make a fuss about how excited I am for my two nights a week of full nights sleep and he may very well try and take it back🤣.

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Theunamedcat · 10/07/2024 06:49

Why not let him have them then? You will get some sleep and at the end of the day he is their dad he should be able to take care of them

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/07/2024 06:52

Cdgnjiorfbjku · 10/07/2024 06:47

Thanks for all your replies. Glad I asked as it's pretty clear it's a battle I'd lose so I'll let that one go. Great idea to offer for him to pay the lesser amount and keep them with me, I may go down that road.

A lot of this divorce seems to be about control for him so maybe I need to make a fuss about how excited I am for my two nights a week of full nights sleep and he may very well try and take it back🤣.

Yup!
Also if he only has them once a week the money stays the same if under 52 a year.

I would go to mediation o agree gradual progression to overnights. I'm about to start doing something similar with ex who left me while pregnant now so has literally never ever done a bedtime. The first step from my end is for him to get used to dad's house and doing naps and mealtimes there. When he's all settled doing that we can discuss overnights.

millymollymoomoo · 10/07/2024 07:05

Up until I had a baby I’d never had one overnight! Didn’t build up to it! Had him, went home, had overnights! No idea what I was doing! Made it up as went along most of the time, but gradually learned….. he’s their dad. He should have them overnight and unless he’s a drug addict or something which you’ve not said, he’s capable of having them

yes he may do things a bit differently to you but that doesn’t mean wrong

of you really aren’t comfortable cone up with a 6 month plan that build up but if he’s capable to look after them in the day, he is at night

Original poster

Cdgnjiorfbjku · 10/07/2024 07:27

He's definitely pushing for 2 nights because of the money.

This is all great perspective because I'm aware that part of my resistance is that he's always claimed to not be able to settle them through the night so I have had to do it all for the last 4 years, but now suddenly he'll be able to because there's money involved. I'll maybe agree to it with the caveat that if they're really upset I can come and pick them up at any time. He's a good dad and wouldn't want them to be upset.

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CurlewKate · 10/07/2024 07:30

I know this is irrelevant- but children don't cost less because they're spending 2 nights a week at a different house! Makes me so cross!

SD1978 · 10/07/2024 07:36

I wouldn't be giving the option of bringing them back if he can't settle them, he wants them 2 nights a fortnight, then he should. If you let him bring them back, the CSM amount will change and is difficult to change back, and he may actually step up if there is no other choice. Or after a few weeks will back down because he can't cope.

Whale80ne · 10/07/2024 07:39

HVPRN · 09/07/2024 21:24

You could ask him to pay the lesser amount but keep the children over night if it means you keep your babies with you?

This is the solution - he can feed them before bringing them home on those days so the cost split reflects reduced child maintenance a bit better (though really it assumes that he is buying a corresponding percentage of clothing etc and needs space to house them).

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/07/2024 07:41

Cdgnjiorfbjku · 10/07/2024 07:27

He's definitely pushing for 2 nights because of the money.

This is all great perspective because I'm aware that part of my resistance is that he's always claimed to not be able to settle them through the night so I have had to do it all for the last 4 years, but now suddenly he'll be able to because there's money involved. I'll maybe agree to it with the caveat that if they're really upset I can come and pick them up at any time. He's a good dad and wouldn't want them to be upset.

If you feel comfortable with him in your home you should always have him practice settling them in their familiar beds first, then you both go to his new home for the first couple of sleepovers. Naps are the first hurdle though

Dreaddy · 10/07/2024 07:41

CurlewKate · 10/07/2024 07:30

I know this is irrelevant- but children don't cost less because they're spending 2 nights a week at a different house! Makes me so cross!

Well they do a little. 2 days less of food, baths, petrol, electricity (especially when they get older) etc.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 10/07/2024 07:49

Cdgnjiorfbjku · 10/07/2024 07:27

He's definitely pushing for 2 nights because of the money.

This is all great perspective because I'm aware that part of my resistance is that he's always claimed to not be able to settle them through the night so I have had to do it all for the last 4 years, but now suddenly he'll be able to because there's money involved. I'll maybe agree to it with the caveat that if they're really upset I can come and pick them up at any time. He's a good dad and wouldn't want them to be upset.

No HE CAN DROP THEM OFF for the first six months after that his two nights are up to him… stop pandering to him or he will always drop them off

Reugny · 10/07/2024 08:12

He's a lazy shit.

He can deal with them overnight he just doesn't want disturbed sleep which most parents who parent their children under 7 have to deal with.

Let him have them 2 nights a week as when they are a bit older you will be glad of the free time even if you spend the time doing SFA. I wouldn't tell him about enjoying your time off parenting at the moment just act like you don't want him to have them so he thinks he's in control.

Make sure you are not immediately available to help him when he has them. So if you can go to out e.g. to the cinema where you phone has to be off when you know he should be putting them to sleep then do so.

Do not tell him that you will pick them up if they are upset.

As he needs to learn to parent them on his own and they need to be comfortable with him parenting them alone. If after the first couple of weeks he's still blowing up your phone saying he can't settle them then you need to take the nuclear option and not be at or near home/ contactable until midnight.

This is because if something happens to you e.g. that proverbial bus runs you over, then they will be living with him permanently and he won't have a choice.

Original poster

Cdgnjiorfbjku · 10/07/2024 08:59

Whale80ne · 10/07/2024 07:39

This is the solution - he can feed them before bringing them home on those days so the cost split reflects reduced child maintenance a bit better (though really it assumes that he is buying a corresponding percentage of clothing etc and needs space to house them).

Show quote history

This is a great suggestion, thank you!

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Original poster

Cdgnjiorfbjku · 10/07/2024 09:31

It's so hard getting the balance between not enabling him to wriggle out of doing his share but also not letting the children suffer ! You are all right though, and I would be a better mum for the break. Thank you for all your answers, I think I'll be frequenting this board a lot in the coming months 😅

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titchy · 10/07/2024 09:37

This is the solution - he can feed them before bringing them home on those days so the cost split reflects reduced child maintenance a bit better (though really it assumes that he is buying a corresponding percentage of clothing etc and needs space to house them).

That's a terrible solution. It absolves him of any effort to comfort his dc overnight, and reinforces the message to the dc that daddy isn't capable and only mummy does comfort parenting. He and they will have to learn. If he's vaguely decent he will, if he's not then the financial arrangement should reflect that.

HVPRN · 10/07/2024 10:06

I've lived through this. My children are now 13 and 16. They said the nights they stayed at dads, they cried out for me and they had funny feelings in their stomach. He didn't tell me. They were 5 and 8 when we split.
We are at the point (last 4 years) they have free flow to go where they want to go. They pretty much live with me and go to dad's ad-hoc. He too wanted to have them more to pay less. They both said now they're older, they would have preferred that they had days/tea at his and I picked them up late, as long as they slept at home.

I would say as you're still breastfeeding, it would be too traumatic for this little one to sleep away from you. The older child, you can explain they're going to dads for sleep over fun nights. Eventually it'll just be routine. At the moment, they need consistency as their world has changed with dad moving out. That is more than enough for little ones to deal with, without a whole new night time routine for your youngest.

However it is your choice. Go with your gut. We're all here just commenting but you do what feels right.

Original poster

Cdgnjiorfbjku · 10/07/2024 11:55

HVPRN · 10/07/2024 10:06

I've lived through this. My children are now 13 and 16. They said the nights they stayed at dads, they cried out for me and they had funny feelings in their stomach. He didn't tell me. They were 5 and 8 when we split.
We are at the point (last 4 years) they have free flow to go where they want to go. They pretty much live with me and go to dad's ad-hoc. He too wanted to have them more to pay less. They both said now they're older, they would have preferred that they had days/tea at his and I picked them up late, as long as they slept at home.

I would say as you're still breastfeeding, it would be too traumatic for this little one to sleep away from you. The older child, you can explain they're going to dads for sleep over fun nights. Eventually it'll just be routine. At the moment, they need consistency as their world has changed with dad moving out. That is more than enough for little ones to deal with, without a whole new night time routine for your youngest.

However it is your choice. Go with your gut. We're all here just commenting but you do what feels right.

This is definitely my worry, and they're too little to properly tell me how they feel🥹. I feel like the oldest wouldn't see it as a fun night at daddys but as being taken away from mummy and his sister getting more "special mummy time" when everything is already so different. I may just have to agree to less maintenance and trial some overnights but it feels so mean to the kids!

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RandomMess · 10/07/2024 12:14

I would recommend somethings little different.

Accept the lesser money, the DC come home in the evening to sleep for now.

BUT I would suggest once a week he has the eldest alone as an extra and works toward them staying overnight. They can cosleep and once that works well you can work towards the same with the younger one once they stop breastfeeding. If it's handled sensitively and slowly then it should go well.

What happens if you ever need to be in hospital or are seriously unwell or in the future have a new partner? It would be good then if they are happy to stay over with their Dad.

You need to be bright and breezy and not let your anxiety make them anxious about it. They may be more unsettled due to you splitting up at the moment but it's a shame if they can't build a close enough bond with the Dad to happily stay with him and be emotionally reliant on him.

Some Dads really do step up and become better parents because they have to crack on and stop relying on the ex as default parent.

Original poster

Cdgnjiorfbjku · 10/07/2024 14:03

RandomMess · 10/07/2024 12:14

I would recommend somethings little different.

Accept the lesser money, the DC come home in the evening to sleep for now.

BUT I would suggest once a week he has the eldest alone as an extra and works toward them staying overnight. They can cosleep and once that works well you can work towards the same with the younger one once they stop breastfeeding. If it's handled sensitively and slowly then it should go well.

What happens if you ever need to be in hospital or are seriously unwell or in the future have a new partner? It would be good then if they are happy to stay over with their Dad.

You need to be bright and breezy and not let your anxiety make them anxious about it. They may be more unsettled due to you splitting up at the moment but it's a shame if they can't build a close enough bond with the Dad to happily stay with him and be emotionally reliant on him.

Some Dads really do step up and become better parents because they have to crack on and stop relying on the ex as default parent.

That sounds like a great suggestion, thank you.

You're absolutely right regarding me not always being available, I'm aware that my frustration at it being about money is colouring my view of it. Obviously there would be lots of benefits for everyone.

I really hope so!

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