Pressure over mediation

[Julyrainishere]

Ex and I have had our first separate mediation session. I have since had 2nd thoughts about the outcome I would like to achieve.

In a nutshell I received an inheritance 12 months ago of £80k that immediately went to pay off a. Large chunk of our mortgage.
I also contributed £30k towards our first house when we got together - granted it was many years ago but made up more than half the cost of the house. He contributed nothing, the rest was a joint mortgage.
I now want at least my inheritance to be ring fenced.

When our house sells the proceeds will provide a modest home for us both regardless of what I want ring fenced.

One 17 year old DC.

When we first discussed the clean break I verbally agreed to a50/50 split. However aside from my inheritance he earns £5k more than me (both on lower salary) and has £50k more in his pension pot.

I think he has sensed my change in perspective and is constantly pressuring me to reconfirm my position.
Unfortunately it's made worse as we are still under the same roof and he has become verbally aggressive.

I don't want to discuss my thoughts ahead of the joint meeting where there is an objective witness,but that's not for a few weeks and he keeps pressuring me. If I do tell him beforehand I am sure he will try and bully me into a 50/50 split.

Stay strong and grey rock him. Sounds like he is panicking a bit. That's no bad thing, project an air of confidence. Good luck with your mediation.

He's been telling me he's looking at houses and needs to know IMMEDIATELY what his budget will be

Stick to your guns. If he has become verbally aggressive, take advice about ending the mediation and explain that he has become threatening.

Remember that this will be over soon. All you need to do is focus on what you want, and keep your eyes on the prize.

Don't let him bully you. And don't hesitate to contact the police if you feel unsafe at any point.

Thank you. I try my hardest to avoid him but it's hard when you're under the roof and he ambushes me

I guess what doesn't help is if I am being reasonable to request my inheritance back. No point fighting for money I don't stand a chance of him either agreeing to or likely to get if I have to get solicitors involved.

My advice would be that you absolutely should take legal advice and, if necessary, appoint a solicitor.

The solicitor will be able to advise you what you are entitled to. And if your Ex refuses, then you will have to go the legal route.

You might also discuss an occupation order, and perhaps non-molestation order, as it has become untenable to live under the same roof with his escalating behaviour.

If you are feeling bullied and intimidated by him as a consequence of mediation then it probably isn’t for you. The next recourse is via courts and that might mean legal costs for you both. But as long as you are living together it will always be a problem unless you want to go to court over that issue as well. By which point you are going to be in an acrimonious and potentially costly divorce.

Ideally if you need mediation then you really shouldn’t talk about anything outside that forum. If you need courts then you absolutely shouldn’t talk about it outside that forum. Divorces are stressful and frustrating for all parties and consequently tempers fray and bad behaviour can set in. In your shoes I would at least conclude that speaking to him about the divorce in an unsupported environment is pointless and potentially counterproductive or unsafe.

My first question would be, how does he know you had second thoughts? My advice if you continue to live together and want to continue with mediation is not to voice your second thoughts at home or to him outside mediation. Those are quite fundamental second thoughts and before I voiced them I would have gotten some legal basis for throwing that spanner in the works.

It’s done now but at least you know he will likely fight you on this and appealing to his good nature isn’t going to work.

my thoughts but you need to get legal advice

The 30k paid for the original deposit seems a pointless contention. It was money invested into the family pot and therefore a marital asset to be shared.

The 80k inheritance is more recent but you used it to pay off the mortgage and therefore invested it into a marital asset. There might be a case to make and you would need to gauge that from a solicitor.

A 5k salary difference may or may not be significant. What is your net income?

A 50k difference in pensions could be significant or not depending on the size of pensions. If you are going to contest pension shares you need to get them valued. Which takes time and money.

If the only dependant is 17 then you have a ticking clock that pushes you towards 50:50 if they age out of being a dependent.

My advice is to keep your second thoughts to yourself regardless of what you do next. Weigh up the implications of pulling out of mediation and living together. Realistically consider whether your new asks will make a tangible difference to outcome by getting informed advice.

Thank you for your advice.

Totally recognise the £30k is irrelevant; was going to mention it in mediation purely as a reminder of what I have contributed.

I voiced doubts about my inheritance after we verbally agreed 50:50 but before we had 1st mediation. He was so enraged I immediately backed down and said I would go back to 50/50. I think that doubt over my intentions has stayed with him.

I clearly need legal advice

Anything you have said so far in mediation is not binding, so you are completely entitled to change your mind.

It is my understanding that your inheritance will definitely be taken into account. It is generally treated as an exception to the rule of everything being a marital asset. You definitely need legal advice on this.

Don't put up with any bullying. It is completely out of order. This kind of behaviour comes under the defined heading of domestic abuse and is totally unacceptable.

Him becoming "enraged" is a clear indication that mediation may not be the way forward for you. It is absolutely not advised in cases where one party is abusive.

A further £20 of my inheritance was used to clear joint loans which I am prepared to accept

£20k

Don't write off any of your inheritance yet. Especially as it only came to you 12 months ago.

Those joint debts were his responsibility too.

Gather together the details of all these loans / what they were for / transactions, and take advice.

Don't concede anything you don't absolutely have to.

It seems to me that you have been bullied into a position of financial disadvantage.

The issue for the OP is that to “ring fence” inheritance you need to hold it separately and not use it in pursuit of the marriage. The fact that it was used to pay off family debt, cc, loans or mortgage means it was used in pursuit of the marriage. The waters are muddied. Not necessarily irreconcilably but the problem the OP has is that her ex may push this point all the way to court.

people make varying financial contributions during the marriage and this doesn’t count against them when they split. Unless they show money was held separately and this was agreed.

The OP has to anticipate arguments he will put forward in order to negate them. It’s better she is focused on arguments she can win and not ones she can’t.

Don't drag things out. The closer your DD is to 18, the more likely the split will be 50/50.

Edited this to add, I'd be inclined to settle for 50/50 to be honest, being as it will afford you both a modest home. your £80k inheritence is worth £40k to him but his £50k extra pension is worth £25k to you. That means you're squabbling over £15k.

Just split it 50/50 and get it over with and move on with your life.

I certainly don't want to drag things out - DD has only just turned 17.

It just doesn't sit right with me. Ex knows the incredibly sad background to that inheritance, not to mention he is in line to get his own huge one in the not too distant future.

He barged into my room earlier and said that he would concede £10k to level our pensions up but he would see me in court before he relented any more money.

Also threatened that if I didn't agree to that we would risk losing our house sale and have nowhere to live.

So - more threats and bullying behaviour. Bullying you into agreeing to whatever his terms are.

You're not going to be able to agree fair terms in the face of such an angry man.

Do please take advice before agreeing to anything. And tell him to back off and stop threatening you.

Tbf, it’s not a threat to point out that a sale can’t really proceed if you haven’t agreed a split. It’s stating a risk. If you sold now you wouldn’t be able to use the money without an agreement. The money would be held by your lawyers until you settle. Meaning you are both left looking for somewhere to live. So there’s no point in selling the house.

Remember that Pension £ don’t translate to cash £.

Hadn't occurred to me pension £ is different to cash £

I treated money in my ex pension as normal money. So for every 100000k in pension he had, I asked for, and got, 50000k.

It depends if you get a share of pension at retirement or if you offset it. I think you have a good chance of ring fencing £80k as it’s recent and you say it’s not a needs case - there is enough money without it. I don’t see how you can stay in same house while this is resolved. Can one of you manage the mortgage and the other rent? You can’t mediate with a bully. You’d be better paying for legal advice and making an offer. Even if you settled you need the consent order approved and that takes weeks so he’s in no position to look at properties. My mediator did nothing to stop my ex bully me it was a total waste of time and money so don’t assume the independent person will change his behaviour or protect you.

Sorry probably really thick but what does that mean?