Custody schedule for 50/50 advice please

[Jeany1967]

We have two children (2 and 6). Custody at the moment is 60/40 to me but we are due to have another dispute resolution hearing in September and then on to a final hearing probably. He is wanting 50/50 and I think it's highly likely the court will agree to this (irrespective of his emotional and financial abuse since separation) if the last dispute resolution hearing was anything to go by.

If the court agrees to 50/50 I'm at a loss as to what schedule we can possibly do.

What schedules do you 50/50 parents do please?

For the last 14 months we have been doing one day each at a weekend (with pick up at 6pm on the Saturday night). This has not worked for a number of reasons but he says he can't go two weeks without spending "quality" time with them and is hell bent on requesting it from the court. He has been able to control what I do (with and without the children) and is totally inflexible in terms of switching the days around/or slightly earlier pick up if need be. I have always been flexible (as long as we don't have plans) and would allow things to be switched if need be.

Another issue is that the children are EXHAUSTED by the time they get to me at 6pm on a Saturday and don't have time to fully relax in one place. It effects what we can do on a Sunday and it's just not working.

I've always thought alternate weekends are best but his suggestion is to have the children Wednesday morning - Saturday night one week and then Wednesday morning - Sunday morning the second week. He says less changeovers are the most important thing whereas I think (particularly with their young age) less time apart from each parent is best. His suggestion would mean the children are away from me for 4 nights which I don't this is good particularly for the youngest.

What do 50/50 parents with young children do in terms of schedule? I don't think the 6pm changeover is ideal and will be suggesting an earlier changeover (possibly after school).

Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

Mon, Tues - Parent A

Wed, Thurs - Parent B

Fri, Sat, Sun - alternate A and B.

Handover time is school pick up time.

That's the schedule my 2 friends who had 50/50 did

The usual two where I live (and where 50/50 is generally standard and the basis we start with) are 2-2-5-5 (so parent A Monday/Tues, Parent B Wed/Thurs, then parents alternate the Friday to Sunday weekends) or 2-2-3 (parent A has M/T week one, parent B has W/Th, parent A F/S/Su and then it switches for week two with parent B having M/T and so forth). The first works for set schedules like childcare and activities where parents pay for “their” days. The second works if parents can be flexible and both will take the children to the same shared childcare or activities and split the costs.

Hi there OP.
I've been through this the past 7 years. Luckily my kids are now 16 and 18 and pretty much dictate what they want no matter what their father says.
I'm not going to say it's easy going to 50/50 because it's not, and the mother still ends up the default parent with the mental load. Also my exH claimed child benefit for our eldest child.
When we first tried it was 3 days each, then moved to 4 days but the kids found it too long away from the other parent.
Finally settled as PP has suggested and this was through court.
Mon, Tues, Fri, Sat, Sun one week then alternate to Wed,Thur the next week.
Positives:
Kids know exactly what is happening and the days they are with which parent.
Can allow for forward planning and work around job if able.
Allows you to have time to yourself and get your life back. It allowed me to find myself again. Takes time.
Negatives:
Kids tend to live out of bags and need 2 of everything.
Special occasions can be a bone of contention.
It can be difficult to get your head around/for the kids to come to terms with.
Need to establish a primary address for any school/medical/significant other correspondence so you know what is happening with the children.

I don't know what your exDH is like OP. Mine was physically and emotionally abusive, however he did have our kids best interests at heart (I believe) however he did not want to pay maintenance and I believe this was part of his reason. He tried to ask the kids questions about me and listen to phonecalls (unfortunately they have had mobile phones earlier than I would have liked as a result) but that stopped relatively soon after the dust settled.
ExDH family have had input from the start (positively) and I have been glad of that. We still both discuss holidays as there are times either of us will take the kids away on the others "time" but there has been no issue.
Much as the problems between us were our problems, I was not prepared to use the kids against him as it was not in their best interests.
I know that is rather long winded OP. Sorry if its an information overload.
I was devastated when the court first awarded 50/50, and literally walked out on my barrister and solicitor and told them to fuck away off (not my finest moment), however looking back, despite the early difficulties, the kids have been involved with the other half of their family and been with their father who has generally been quite involved and mostly interested in what is happening in their lives.
In relation to pick ups/exchange it generally happened at a local petrol station or the school gate at set time which meant we were not in eachothers personal space and neither could dictate on the other person. It was also agreed that costs in terms of schools/clubs/extracurricular activities etc were halved. Clothing in general was the responsibility of both sides to have stuff in each house.
I hope this helps OP, or gives some insight into my experience of 50/50.
Sending hugs as I know this can be difficult.

I was devastated when we got 50/50. So much so that I went into (emotional) shock. My friend even called an ambulance.

We do one week at each house. The children were 7 (autistic) and 12 when this started.
Main reason for a full week away from a parent at a time is for the autistic child who needs absolutely structure and consistency.
I would’ve liked the handovers to be at school. Ie, drop the children off at school on a Monday and the other parents collects them on a Monday afternoon. This would mean that us parents would never see each other. I don’t feel safe around him. Lots of abuse etc.
But I think this would be hard for them. The now 14 year old takes a lot of books, laptop and school stuff back and forth. She can’t possibly take all of that to school on a Monday.

The other advantages is that I sort all childcare for one full week and nothing the following week. I need help on the 3 mornings a week - a student comes to my house at 7:30 as this is the time I have to leave.
It would be VERY difficult if I needed to find help on a Monday morning. And then the following week on a Tuesday and Wednesday morning. There would be a lot of mix ups.
It’s terrible that I now only see the children half of the time whilst they are growing up fast.

We do parent A Mon-Wed school drop off, parent B Wed school pick up til Fri evening. Every other weekend.
It's hard, been doing it for 2.5 years now, kids are settled and I get my own time to myself/with friends/work overtime. Would prefer to have them more but it.works for them xx

I think his suggestion is reasonable
less changeovers is good even at young age as they have stability in each house and aren’t always waking up in different place

We do 1 week each, we started the week on a Monday morning or Sunday evening. We've done it since my son was 6 years old.

If I was ever to find myself in this situation, for the sake of stability and squabbling over changing weekends, after school clubs etc I would do week on week off. Everyone knows exactly where they stand.

My brother in law does week on week off with his ex. They were doing random days with pick ups/drop offs via school. Stuff was going to one house and not being returned to the other parent. It was hectic.
They swop over on a weekend evening.

Christmas they have a slightly different arrangement so they alternate where they wake up each year regardless of whose week it is.

Works much better.

This is what we do and it works well. Weekend clubs are agreed and paid for by both parents. We live nearby so can drop off kit for the weekend clubs to avoid having two of everything. Having set weekdays makes the school routine easier and I think adds to the sense of routine and structure for dc.

Selfishly I have 2 weekdays where I can live my own life. Whether that be working longer hours those days, taking a regular class or seeing friends. It's easier knowing which days you're always free.

It helps that we're flexible about things like birthdays and holidays. We follow the principle that what's best for our dc is what goes.

We do week on/week off but DD was 14, now 16. She's autistic so fewer transitions was a big factor. We're considering fortnight each now as she really doesn't like switching houses (this is her suggestion).

I'd have struggled to be apart from her that long when she was little though, she was very attached to me. And as a PP has said, the mental load most definitely is NOT split 50/50.

This is what I have proposed too. On handover days, one parent takes to school and the other collects which also bypasses the drama of any grief at your front door.

I’d do week on week off. With it set as a rule that both parents must facilitate up to 3 extra curricular activities per week so that the kids can join clubs and pursue hobbies.

Haha, just had from teacher STBXH "I'm looking after your kids all summer holiday." No...you're looking after our kids all summer holiday, like you always have done.

If you don't want to then I will make alternative arrangements but it won't be me at home for six weeks taking them places. It will be school clubs. So wonderful father, do you want to spend time with your young children or should I put them in a club so you can scroll your phone interrupted?

It's a schedule that my NDNs appear to do with the three oldest children in the family. Looks exhausting the constant chopping and changing every two days!
Feel really sorry for them (13, 11 and 9). They are constantly carrying a backpack back and forth. Often the dad drops them off around 8pm Sunday. Very late for a school night, especially in the winter months...think they've been doing this at least the 4 years they've lived there. The youngest child is 4 in the family.

Week 1

mon, tue - kids stay at dads overnight
weds - Monday morn - kids stay with me

week 2

mon, tue - kids with dad
weds - Friday - kids with me
friday night - mon - with dad

so we do like 2 / 5 / 2 / 5 and have been for 4 years now.

@Jeany1967 My DD is a family barrister. The very usual agreement for parents is 5/14 nights. So the non resident parent gets 5 nights per fortnight. This is often every weekend (Fri/Sat) and 1 night extra per fortnight. So could be a Sunday night or Thursday night?

The main reason for this is: mum is often the resident parent and does all the child admin like doctors, play dates, nursery pick up, most liaison with school etc.

Secondly: ex wanting something does not trump what is best for DC. Your older dc is at school and keeping one home on school nights is often seen as best for DC. They are not pass the parcel as some suggest above.

Third: As dc get older, facilitating clubs and sports is better done from one home. If you are near to school and live in your community, this is important op.

Fourth: he will want 50/50 to try and avoid child maintenance. Courts are aware of this.

Lastly: dc are not there to be shuttled around to make snd parent get their slice of the cake. You can find many reasons why 50/50 does not suit. I assume you have the child benefit? You need to take as much ownership as you can regarding choosing schools too or he will take over using his address. Make sure he has fair access and the majority of parents don’t do 50:50 because it simply doesn’t work for dc. Neither does changing over on a Saturday.

Try and get a switched on barrister!