How have your children coped with changing dynamics?

[BusyCee]

I've told narcissistic husband I want to separate. He says he loves me (of course), and has (finally) put his SuperDad cape on after spending their whole lifetimes being grumpy, emotionally unavailable and unstable, moody, self-centred and uninterested. He's spent the last 5weeks being pleasant, positive, engaged and active member of the family - I suspect in an attempt to convince me and himself that he'll change and it will all be ok. It won't be. He won't change. However, his new-found engagement with the kids has shifted their relationship with him. This should be a positive thing, but it's making me incredibly anxious about how they'll cope when we actually split and move into separate places (currently scheduled to happen in September). 13yo DS is already leaning into him much more... and consequently being more difficult with me. I want them to have a good relationship with their Dad - but I'm worried they'll end up 'choosing sides'. How did your DCs cope with separation and did it change your relationship with them? (DCs are 13, 10 & 8).

I've been speaking to a counsellor about my 5 year old regarding similar to what your 13 year old is doing. Unfortunately my son is wanting that attention from dad he leans into it and is desperate for daddy's attention. The counsellor explained it along the lines of they have dad's attention so they lap it up and it often feels like they are leaving mum. However dad isn't used to giving this level of attention for a long period of time. Eventually, when it is no longer seen as important (probably once court order in place) dad will return to his old ways. You, as the stable and consistent parent, will be there for your children. It isn't helpful right now, but hopefully the goal is that the kids figure it out, especially being older.
I don't know what to say knowing your 13 year old will share their opinion which will impact the court order which is obviously so worrying. It's mind games from the ex which is horrible to sit there and witness so I feel for you and really hope someone has advice on that. But the goal is that in the future your children will realise who you are, and also who their dad is. They make that decision and unfortunately they have to learn through their own experiences and not ours despite us wanting to keep them safe.

Forgot to add that as the stable parent who they know won't leave and is consistent, kids do take it out of that parent.

My son has grown closer to me since we moved out. We were close but if daddy was around when we lived together my eldest would be desperate for his attention. Now not living with him my son is calmer and more settled as he isn't vying for a parent's attention.

The thing is, you aren't able to control what their dad says or does, even less so once separated, so although it's naturally inducing anxiety, I would try and focus on your own relationship with your children. Most kids don't want to choose sides and they shouldn't have to. Maybe you could try and come to an agreement with your ex (since you will need to co-parent with him) that you will both try not to involve the kids in detailed discussions or blame around the separation, though.