How can I ever build up some money for myself to leave in this situation?

[Howdoigetaway]

I want to seperate from my husband. Im just biding my time at the moment and the plan was to get myself a job to be self sufficient and squirrel away some money to tide me over for a while .
I was a sahm for 8 years, husband was a middle earner, he was able to pay for everything but not save much.He didn't want me to work, I looked after the house and kids.
I now work aswell 30 hours a week.This was at my insistence as the kids are older now and more independent.He earns 3x as much as I do.
Since I've gone back to work our new financial set up is as follows at his insistence:

My wage pays for absolutely everything, the bills and all the day to day stuff, so food, stuff for the kids, fuel for my car and his car, 4x phone bills, 2xparent pay, 2xschool stuff, 2xpocket money, 4x buying clothes and shoes for everyone,and anything extra that is required such as getting a car fixed, his or mine, and all days out. I am left with about £5 at the end of the month.

His wage he keeps in his bank and that is our"savings" . He pays for our annual holiday and Xmas. The rest sits in account. If he wants to treat himself to clothing, aftershave, a gadget etc he will put it onto my card , not his.

His explanation for this is it's a nice simple way of doing things and money doesn't need to be shifted around or transferred. One account that pays for everything, one account for savings.

But I don't have access to these savings. He sees it as his money as its his wage that's being saved each month. It's in his name only . I've never had a penny of it.

As I say I am penniless at the end of every month . How can I save anything for me in this situation? Even just a fee hundred is impossible.

I have it in my head that he has done this on purpose to keep me trapped and for me to see what it's like to have to pay for everything like he did when I was a sahm, but that wasn't my choice.it was his.
I really don't know what to do. Can anyone advise?

I'm sorry OP, you're being financially abused.

My partner and I both pay for things, and just work out once a month who should transfer some money to the other person to balance our savings.

It looks to me like he's doing it to keep you at home, too. He's abusive and controlling, and you absolutely do need to leave. The only advice I have is to contact Women's Aid. They are set up to help women in your situation.

He calls it "wooden dollars" and says there is no point having extra accounts and moving money back and forth .
He also doesn't know I'm planning to leave him .
In his head I truly don't know if there is any ill intent , because he has told me many times that I only have to ask if I want something , but I never do and never would.

The other week I overspent and didn't have enough to last until the end of the month because I had an extra bill, so he very kindly paid it for me so I didn't go into the overdraft.
The next day I came home to an itemised list of all the things he'd had to pay for that I owed him back and he made me transfer him the money out of my next wage .

My advice is to get a divorce.... then he has to give you half....

If your credits OK take out a loan for a house rental deposit, leave and then you won't be paying for his stuff aswell. Once your divorce is finalised you can pay off your loan. That's what I would do, failing that walk out enter the council building tell them your being financially controlled and can't afford to re-house yourself. You could also open a 3rd account change the only bills you want to pay to that and let him know his bills are his own. Or send half the money for bills from your wages to the bill paying account. Cut off his access to your money.

You add up all outgoings plus what you want to try and save each month and split the total by % of your earnings.

My husband earns more than me by a little bit so he pays 55% and I pay 45%

What are you saving for? Can't you stay in the house, live separate lives and apply for divorce? I would get bank statements and all financial details eg savings, investments, pensions first, as he'll no doubt try to screw you over. See if you can get free legal advice from your local DV organisation or CABx. There's lots of info online re divorce.

If you're afraid of him and think he'll escalate to violence should you leave, then perhaps a refuge? Do you have relatives or friends who can lend you money as a deposit? Can you get a bank loan? You can also contact Shelter for advice re housing.

Are your wages going into a joint account?

If it goes into your own account then start transferring the bills into his name and his current account details.

You say that you want savings in your name like he does. He either has the savings in a joint account you both have access to or you having savings in your own name.

You each get the same to put in savings each month.

It's worth having a row about it.

If he says it's easier then you say great you pay for it all and I'll put all my salary into a savings account in my name.

Right definitely open a new account... its very intentional indeed. Open it now and change the account your paid into on Monday. Tell him if he wants petrol or a car or a phone or food he can pay for his own from now on. You will only pay 50% of the main bills and if he doesn't like it he can leave!!! I'd be absolutely purple if he had handed my that bill. I would have gone into melt down and he wouldn't have seen a penny.

I'd also serve him divorce papers on Monday aswell.

Go and see a solicitor. You'll be entitled to half of the "savings".

Do you have anywhere you could stay short term? A relative's house perhaps?

This is abuse, pure and simple.
Contact Women's Aid.
Or get a solicitor.
But please do something. Half of that money is YOURS.

The council will house her she's being coercively controlled. She can even phone woman's aid who should be able to take her In and help her get back on her feet.

he has told me many times that I only have to ask if I want something

Then ask. DH, I want to have access to our joint savings account, the one where we keep youknow, our joint savings.

I haven't heard the term wooden dollars before.

One thing that stands out is that he must have paid for everything when he didn't allow you to work, but then it was magically 'simpler' for you to pay for everything when you started working 🧐.

Good luck OP.

Ideally yes, but IME (and that was back in 2010) it takes forever to get up the council list - I know coercive control was not an offence then, but I was classed as category 2 which was "risk of violence".

I stayed on the list until I left the country 3 years later and I don't think I ever got offered a place! Luckily at that time I found a private rent after 3 months and I was able to have someone to act as guarantor.

The suggestion to open a new new bank account for your salary is a good one. Refuse to hand over the besides your half of the bills. If he is decent he won’t mind doing this.

Problem with divorce is although OP is entitled to that money he might have hidden it. Does he have any inkling you want to leave him?

This is financial abuse, no wonder you want to leave!
We have separate accounts but we pay equally and have equal amounts to do as we like each month. He saves his, I tend to spend on our DGC.

The other week I overspent and didn't have enough to last until the end of the month because I had an extra bill, so he very kindly paid it for me so I didn't go into the overdraft.

I hope you’re being sarcastic because there’s nothing kind about him paying his own bills.

Can you describe your living situation a bit more?
How old are the kids etc?
Do you have any family or friends who could support you?

The silver lining in this is that you are paying all of the bills and so actually you’re in quite a good position because you don’t need to stay with him for financial reasons.

If he left, you could easily manage on your own.

The issue is that you cannot kick him out of his own house.

You could tell him you want to separate and get a divorce and sell the house.
But you will only be paying half of the bills from now on because you’re technically separated.

Which country are you in? Just with the term dollars op may not be in the UK so for advice the forum needs to know.

The new financial set up, is he is living off your salary whilst saving his money for himself. New set up should be, having a joining account where you contribute for groceries, bills, mortgage, and he should be contributing more as he earns more. Any phone bills, extra things he buys for himself, petrol, car repairs, going to the hairdresser etc. he MUST pay out of HIS money!!! This is not acceptable ... this way you are better off as SAHM as this way you don't need to work and pay for everything. If the money he earns are savings, it should be put onto a saving joint account, not HIS account!!!! This way he controls you and you will never be able to leave. Or you leave with your kids, if this is possible to be with your parents on maybe some family for a short time, stop financing him and you will be much better off. (I understand it is easier said than done, leaving is never easy)....

Op you need to simply tell him
that arrangement doesn’t work and you’re not doing it anymore

get your wages paid into your own account and stop paying for all bills

set up a joint one where you put enough in each to cover household hills ( 25/75 ratio of ghe takes home 3x more)

and re divorce, what are you hiding your time for? Just start the process and you’ll be d tired to a fair share of all assets inc the savings built up on his name

What happens if you refuse to pay for any of his stuff? Cancel all DDs for his car, phone etc. Change your PIN / passwords so he cannot access your accounts.

On the upside, you are married so you have 50:50 as a starting point and that will include his savings and pension. You can also go for maintenance pending suit as you progress through to financial settlement which will force him to pay and can be done as an attachment of earnings.

Well done for deciding to leave this abusive man, your local Women's Aid can provide you with support, as can the Citizens Advice. You will also be entitled to government support, https://www.turn2us.org.uk/ is a good resource to see what you may be able to claim.