He hasn’t seen the children

[Frogslegs3]

Cross post

Hi

I left my home with our children mid June as my husband was violent towards me. I brought our children back for Father’s Day so my husband could see them (FIL was present as third party). He hasn’t seen them since. He’s sending me messages daily saying how much he misses them.

He refuses to move out of the family home and says I’m welcome back there at any time. Just after it happened he was apologetic but in the weeks since he denies any ‘unfounded allegations’ of what happened.
HE now has a solicitor and wants contact every single weekend. My solicitor wrote back that we will not support that but we would be willing to go to mediation to find a solution. In the interim I feel bad that my husband hasn’t seen his children. Even though he is an awful person (at times). It’s been close to 3 weeks since he last saw them. It’s going to be 5 weeks to our MIAM at a minimum. Then first proper mediation longer than that. I don’t feel it’s fair for him or our children to wait that long. Thoughts?

What is your suggestion for on going contact?
Obviously every weekend is unreasonable, but is he actually refusing alternate weekends?
Are the children school age or younger, what are working hours for you both?
It's hard to know what is reasonable without these details.
I think it's very likely that any court proceeding will give him some custody, with that in mind it's probably best for the children to start asap.

Obviously I'm assuming you don't believe him to be a danger to the children.

Surely the onus is on him to arrange a convenient time to see the DC ? I never quite understand why so many women stress out about their DC seeing their fathers who are making no effort . The same applies to grandparents who show little interest .
When my ex and I divorced he rarely saw our DC . His choice despite insisting he missed them every minute of every day . His fit and healthy parents moaned they never saw their grandchildren but made absolutely no effort to arrange anything.,

Do you have the violence documented and have you contacted the police? Mediation is not advisable with abusers. Is he a risk to the children? If notcan he pick them up after school/nursery and drop them back there so you don't have to see him?

They are under 1 and 3.
My solicitor hasnt advised other than to say I could propose one weekend a month or even 1 Saturday a month. He’s okay with our older one but hasn’t been hands on with our baby at all (changed less than 20 nappies, done 2 baths, never left the house with the baby). I left him with them both for 15 mins a couple of weeks ago while I went to the shop and he went full rage as he couldn’t cope.

im a SAHM. I think I would be okay with 1 in 3 weekends for our older one. Moving to every other at some point. The baby he needs to build up his parenting abilities with.
Husband works full time Monday to Friday. I don’t think he would hurt either child but would lose patience if he couldn’t cope with 2 together and also not very carful with the baby bashing their head etc

He’s suggested 3 dates that have now all passed. My solicitor told me not to agree to them

I have reported to the police. I have photos of minor bruising.

my solicitor said to do the mediation to show willing as it will be a green tick against me if we have to go to court. I guess I also want it to work as it will be cheaper for both of us.

i want to move away from our family home closer to my parents but understand i need his permission to do this. So I don’t want us to share nursery or school pick ups

If you do mediation, be honest with the mediator and a good one may well cancel after one session if he is bullying ( my ex wasn't that bad but got us thrown back to solicitors). And you have your tick for court if you need it.
But a mediator might throw it out before it's started if there has been violence.

Can I ask why you have a solicitor when , as I understand it, no court application has been made yet?

It will just be costing you both money, which tends to increase anger, the solicitor has absolutely no power they can't make any decisions.

If you want to sort this out without court then ditch the solicitor now, alternatively make the application now as the waiting times are crazy.

Your children are very young, regular contact is best at this age.
Is it actually possible for him to have evening contact, taking bedtime in to account?
Is he asking for all weekend or more like Sunday afternoon every week?

I'm not sure that refusing 3 dates because your solicitor (who's livelihood depends on people dragging out these things) is actually the best course of action.

With regards to moving, how far is it?
Would it have a serious impact on his ability to maintain contact?

Thanks so much for replying.

so I got a solicitor because I received quite a threatening from his solicitor and didn’t know how to react. I wouldn’t have got one otherwise.

Yes I agree that refusing the 3 dates seems weird to me and now I’m starting to question it.

he’s asking for 5 Fri to 7pm Sunday

Isn’t it the case that mediation is strongly advised against where there’s DV?

@Noideawhatiam it would be a 2 hour drive away

I've seen this situation from both sides. My ex and I managed to arrange between us and are Co parenting very well.
A close family member went thought court twice and it's an absolute shit show. I'd really advise you view court as a last resort the whole nature of it fuels the flames of resentment and hatred.
If you are able to agree between you that will be much better, especially because you have a considerable length of time before your children grow up.

All weekend every week is not reasonable at all, but perhaps sometime every week would be best for your children.

At some point I presume you will be having to go back to work, so will be needing weekend time with them.

Would you be willing to give him one weekend day every week until the eldest starts school and then review it?
Do you think your ex can be reasoned with?

If he’s a risk to the children then no contact

however, if he’s not then your suggestion of 1 weekend in 3 ( for older one) and less for younger one is not reasonable

you should be thinking in eow and one evening a week at least if he wants that.

and to be frank he hasn’t needed to be hands on dad until now as you’ve been sahm - just as you’ve not needed to work and likely will need to do so going forward - ie whatever your roles will change now you’ve split

Where are you living at the moment?

I’d make another request for him to leave the family home and then if he refuses head back to your preferred location.

2 hours is probably going to be hard to justify at this point.

Are there any other compelling reasons why it would be in the children's best interest to move?
You have to remember that their need to be near their father takes priority over your desire to be near yours. I'm sorry that's difficult for you, but it's how the law will view it.

Maybe in a few years if he's proven to not bother with the children, you could get permission to move, but I feel you should give him a chance to step up.

Also remember his solicitor is only his mouthpiece, they can send you as many nasty letters as he pays them to but they absolutely can not force you to do anything.

You have nothing to fear from a solicitors letter.

My DS10 hasn't seen his father for nearly a year. Neither of them seem particularly bothered and I'm certainly not going to put any more effort into maintaining a relationship than ex-H is ...

To be closer to own family support is reasonable. Shes moved out because of domestic violence, and wanted to stay in the family home, so i dont think it will be hard to justify at all.

Saying that, I dont think its right to refuse the dates he has suggested

Living 2 hours away with family

Okay thanks, so the court will possibly see 2 hours away as unreasonable. What’s the usual radius? 30 mins away?

we will have to sell the family home so I don’t necessarily think he will want to stay there either. He doesn’t have connections there we moved to a town on the edge of London for commuting distance for old jobs but don’t have either of those jobs any more

He’s absolutely did have time to be a hands on dad after work or on weekends. I strongly disagree. He spent most weekends in bed or watching sport while I went to farms or parks by myself. Having a job doesn’t excuse him from changing a nappy or running a bath

There is no set rule on distance.
It's about the impact on the children's relationship with the non resident parent.

So anything that makes school days difficult will be considered more carefully than if you're close enough to share drop off etc.

You don't want to end up in a situation where you are forced to give him more weekends and holidays to make up for you moving away.

Can you afford to stay put until the house is sold and see what he does then?
If he moves then it's much easier for you to do so too.

If he's not been interested in parenting at weekends when you were together, how likely is it that he will be happy to do it all weekend every weekend long term?

My sister refused 50/50 with her ex.
Three years of court proceedings, 13 hearings, 4 carcass reports, £40,000 in legal fees and zero possibility of her ex ever agreeing to do her a favor in the future. She ended up with (shift patterns make things a little complicated) 7 months of the year to his 5 months, almost 10 years later she accepts that those 30 days a year weren't really worth the price.

It's all very fresh and new , take a breath and give yourself time to decide if you really want this to be your future.

I'd start by asking your ex to suggest another date and only disagree if it's actually unworkable. Take it slowly and see where you are in a few months.

I never said ut excused him. I said he didn’t have to as that was your role within the family unit. His was working and financial. Yours was children.

that changes as you’re no longer a unit - he’ll need to step up re chikdren, you financially earning.

either way 1 x every 3 weekends is not reasonable on the basis he actually wants more and he’ll likely get much more than that unless he’s a risk to the children- in which case you should be seeking no contact

So presumably your concern is how on earth is he going to manage 2 children every weekend when he went full on rage when you went to the shop for 15 minutes as he couldn't cope?

Yes absolutely this