Co-parenting with a shift worker?

[Powerlesspartner]

Any advice? My ex and I both work full time. I’m in finance, he’s a pilot. We’ve been divorced for 8 years and son is now 12. Son is autistic.

It was an ‘amicable’ divorce where we split everything 50-50, but I lost my ability to structure my own life. I spent long years following an unpredictable 50-50 schedule where the pilot issued his commands re when I would have our son based on his monthly rota. (Pilots are like zero hours workers who get a monthly wage but never know until a month beforehand when they will work.)

But this made my work unsustainable so I took him into mediation. It was explained to him that he would have to pay me support because I was being held back professionally by not being able to commit to work stuff in advance and not take a boss role where I would eg lead the 8am meeting every Tuesday because who knew if I would be doing the school run that day. So the exh magically discovers he DOES have some flexibility and we agree 3-2-2-3.

I was never against 50-50 as a concept. We both have careers. But it is not working. I commonly discover pilot has left our child alone in the house for hours, or arranged for him to have a sleepover with a single dad we know who is very sweet but has very sadly fallen into heavy cannibis use (the friend one must support but not expect to take solo care of one’s child) or got his 80 year old mother who is a getting bit dotty to do a 2 day solo stint with our child. My son can’t cross a road safely - numerous teachers and doctors have confirmed this, most recently months ago. His dad the other day said he plans to send him alone on the 30 min walk to school instead of taking him as as he reckons he can cope now. This is a child with no balance who trips over nothing. The pilot clearly can’t cope with 50-50 but I think like a lot of men he’s very attached to the concept of it being his right.

What are my rights and chances of convincing him to have our child with me most of the time?

I would ideally like to keep 50-50 as my son is close to his dad, but I’m not sure my ex can pull his weight. I feel for my ex as it’s not his fault his only skill is flying an aeroplane and pilots’ work life balance is unstable.

But I want our son to always be with a parent not unwell people or elderly relatives. Our child is really sensitive and anxious due to autism and doesn’t like being sent from pillar to post. I am the only parent who has ever done all the admin of his diagnosis, therapy, coordinations with Senco and teachers etc. The pilot reckons even though the autism was assessed by an NHS panel when our child was 4 I make most of it up, over-egg it because I’m anxious and give reports to clinicians that enable me to get my way. I actually am constantly paying out of my own pocket for private medical reports so someone other than me can document things about our child that his father may take notice of. His dad thinks it’s all a sinister plot to something something, evidently.

I don’t need money from him. The stability I got from 3-2-2-3 means I was promoted a few times. I don’t need him to do 50-50 if he can’t reliably do it. I want to leave the area we both live in as it’s 80 mins commute to my work on a good trains day and was chosen by the pilot to be nearer his airport.

I could sell my house, get the child and I a flat near my office (the twee market town has remarkably high property prices) and send him to a nearby private school (he was allocated a so-so state school in our town that doesn’t offer SEN support) with before and after school activities.

I could live with my very supportive long term partner who owns his home outright in London and give my child the best life ever. All the private tuition and therapy he would ever need. I’d put my Mrs Tiggiewinkle cottage in ‘Red Trouser on Barbour’ on Airbnb , and be very secure. But I’m somehow chained to this 50-50, far from work and mostt of my social life. I can’t use my resources in full for our child. The boy does get to sleep at daddy’s house half of the time and they do have a good relationship but otherwise it’s 50-50 in possession only.

I realise this is a huge moan and I am privileged to have my health, career, relationship and some assets.

But in the best interests of the child, am I right to feel I have had enough?

How do I get out of this if so?

I’m in the same position or thereabouts - tied to my partners shifts and wanting to move which will not give them 50/50 w their dad and it’s going to court. Basically you would have to outline to him your proposed plan to him; reasons for wanting to move and any proposed contact arrangements between him and kids, and see if he agrees. If he doesn’t you would have to go to court and apply for a specific issue order to state where the child lives and goes to school. I would try to make a very robust plan of what life for both you and the child would look like exactly - schooling, living situation, and how you will facilitate contact w their dad, even as far as gp/dentist/family network/social activities etc. The more exact and detailed your plan, the better. And you would have to outline clearly why you feel that is in the child’s best interests as that is all the court is going to look at.

Unless ypu have some concrete evidence that these care arrangements are harming your child then it's going to be tricky to argue any changes.
Saying that his mum is doddery isn't actually concrete evidence nor is hearsay around cannabis usage. I think if you have a doctor report saying that DS can't walk to school alone that's about the only concrete thing you have really.

So I think you need to try to set aside your concerns about his shit parenting and focus on the future. So maybe just lay out your proposal to him around moving, talk about whether he'd be asked to fund private school or CMS and if you can afford to not ask for those things then he may be more amenable. First step has to be to talk to him, even if he's annoying !

This situation really makes me angry. I feel like one parent does whatever they want and then the other parent is told to accommodate them because “it’s in the child’s best interests”. And, let’s face it, it’s usually mothers (and often children) making the sacrifices.

Correct 👏🏼