Telling the kids 'why'

[Eileen101]

I'm completely stuck. Mine are 6 and 3. The 3 year old has accepted that we are separating. The 6 year old has asked why. She is too young for any variation of the truth (his cheating). She doesn't know about OW and won't. She is still asking 'why' to "because mummy and daddy have agreed that this is the best thing for all of us". I have no intention of telling her the truth but have no idea where to go from here.

Why not just say daddy decided he didnt love mummy/thought he loved another lady. But even if daddy doesnt love mummy he still loves you very much?

I sympathise. Mine are 6 and 9 and going through it. I just told them that mummy and daddy had decided together that we couldn’t live together anymore as we weren’t getting on and that we’d all be a lot happier in the long run not living in the same house. Ultimately that it’s an adult decision that mummy and daddy had to work through together, but it doesn’t mean we’re not a family anymore, we’re just a family that doesn’t live together and that mummy and daddy will always love you very much and be with you as much as possible. At least that’s what I told them. What their dad said was something quite different but ultimately you can’t control what the other person says!

Just say mummy and daddy don't love each other any more. You don't need to say much more and I certainly wouldn't be going down the "daddy loves another lady" route, no need for that at this early stage

Yikes I think this is potentially harmful and upsetting for the kids and places the blame on dad. Whilst he might be to blame we’re thinking about the kids here. They should be shielded from that mess no matter who’s to blame.

Fuck me, you’re a savage 😂😂😂

Er no... too young

Mummy and daddy love each other but will be happier living in separate houses and we both love you very much.

Their sense of security is more important than 100% honesty at this point. At that age they may also think that falling out of love with each other mean you could fall out of love with them.

Clearly it seems im being too harsh but that is the truth is it not?

Definitely don't mention anything about cheating or other lady. Too young. I tell my son the truth always but never did on this one and never would even 10 years down the line. Just makes you look bitter and manipulative.
We are better as friends or something like that is enough.

What does your H think you should both say to the children? I’d say it’s on him to come up with an acceptable reason.

I agree with not telling a 6 year old the truth (although I’ve never understood why people still don’t tell their kids the truth later when they are older and the dust has settled).

We asked the children what they would do if a friend they used to really like playing with started not being someone they liked to play with anymore. Maybe the games they played weren't the same as the ones that you used to enjoy together, maybe you both used to love talking about dinosaurs and now they love cars and you still love dinosaurs. We just explained that when that happens the thing to do to make you the happiest is not to compromise what you like but instead keep playing the games you love the most even if that means playing them on your own or with new friends.

Then just say that mummy and daddy over time have decided they don't like the same things and to both be your happiest selves you've decided not to live together anymore.

For the why, our situation is that it's amicable but xOH is also probably gay. I've talked him out of saying anything about that at this stage so our policy is that we tell them the truth - always important! - but on a need to know basis, and that's something they don't need to know until there's someone in the picture in future. We're going with the "Mummy and daddy love each other but will be happier living in separate houses and we both love you very much" approach.

Can I ask when you told them? I assume before one of you moved out? We're just doing that bit.

This. I’m a child of divorce and only found out my mum cheated on my dad when I was 33. It didn’t matter by that point and I’m just glad they preserved my childhood.

Worst advice i've ever seen

Have recently gone through this too. Stbexh left it to me to tell the youngest children (8 and 6) and insisted I wasn't to tell them "it was a mutual split" since I'm the one who wants to separate (with bloody good reason!).

Anyway, I went with a "daddy won't be living here anymore. Not to worry, we stil both love you very much but adult relationships are complicated and not for them to worry about"

The 8 year old has asked for further detail a couple of times "mum, whose decision was it for dad to move out?" that type of thing....but I've managed to avoid going into detail.

A friend of mine explained to her daughter using a fairy tale, specifically created for this purpose.

It was the story of two bears a polar one and a forest one who loved each other but they couldn’t live together in the same space because one wanted cold and one warm climate. Same way mummy and daddy have to live separately because they need different things. But they love their bears very much. Their little bears can live both in the cold and warm because they come from both kind of bears. Anyway. Something like this. There are many fairy tales and maybe a child psychotherapist could navigate you through that.

So I went with a watered down version of the truth - daddy wasn't happy living here anymore basically and daddy was going to live somewhere else- I refused to include anything about "mummy" or it being a joint decision since it certainly wasn't my decision and he left it for me to tell my eldest

I think this is really lovely.

The "Daddy loves another lady" is an awful idea. If Daddy stays with the OW then sooner or later she will become a significant person in the DCs' lives. They should not be put in a position where they feel conflicted about liking her because they also know Daddy chose her over Mummy. I say that as someone who was left for the OW and had my DC introduced to her (against my will) just 2 months into the "relationship". I will never tell my DC that OW is the reason her parents don't live together any more.

Explain it in a way they can relate to: It is very sad, but mummy and daddy don't like each other any more.

That's terrible to do to a child. They may think that their father might fall out of love with them.

Op, I don't know the answer to this but stay as close to the truth as possible.

Something along the lines of sometimes marriages don't always work out best for both mum and dad, and it's better, healthier to separate than to be unhappy or unkind to each other because it can cause anger and unkind feelings.