How will I manage?

[nausicaa35]

So this has been a long time coming. My husband is not very nice to me and hasn’t been for some time. He says very hurtful things (especially after a drink), belittles me and does actually scare me a little when he loses his temper.

He is a genuinely great dad to our 4 year old and 18 month old. I just think he doesn’t like me very much. He can’t see the way he speaks to me is not OK so I don’t see how things can change. He’s the typical bloke who wouldn’t dream of ever actually talking about things, let along going to counselling or anything like that.

So now I’m at the point where I’m investigating how I navigate my exit. We own our home (we have about £117,000 left on the mortgage). As well as the kids we have a dog and a cat.

The ideal situation would be for him to move out so that the boys can stay stable but I’m wondering how on earth I’ll afford the bills on my own. I earn £48,000 which I realise is a decent wage but we pay around £1400 in nursery bills a month and with the cost of living crisis, and mortgage interest rates going up we barely manage on two incomes.

How do people manage in this situation? I can’t see I’ll be any better off by selling up and buying something smaller (all properties in my area are extortionate). And I imagine I’ll not be entitled to any benefits because I have a decent salary?

I am feeling very trapped 😔

I feel much the same. Have you sat down and properly crunched the numbers? What would be each of your share of capital in the house, what are your pensions worth etc. could you switch to an interest only mortgage for a while until the kids are at school and you'll have is childcare fees? It is really really hard but you need to do the maths to work out what's possible then try and speak to a solicitor - you can usually get 30 mins feee consultation.

Agree with previous poster, sit down and look at all numbers properly.

Bare in mind that you will need to buy him out if you want to keep the house so that he can leave with his equity to buy/find somewhere so factor that increase into your budget.

Try to reduce bills anywhere it is possible to do so, it might be an idea to switch to interest only mortgage even just for a couple of years until you are out of the expensive childcare time?

Have an idea of what you will receive in CMS as well!

Thanks both. I am really surprised to see (if the online calculators are correct) that I am entitled to a sizeable sum of universal credit if single. The downside is I can’t have more than £16000 in savings which I currently do have as a safety net for things like car and house expenses. But if I put some savings towards my mortgage to get them down it should be OK.
So the next problem is how do I convince the OH it’s over? I tried to talk to him today about the possibility of buying him out but he won’t engage with me. I think it boils down to he won’t leave the kids. He is the most unreasonable man ever so he won’t accept its best for the kids if we separate. What can I do?

I think you probably need to see a solicitor now as your next step if he is refusing to engage. You may well find that the savings issue becomes less relevant if you end up having to spend money on legal advice.... I don't think you can force him to accept being bought out but I think you can force a house sale.

Bloody hell I have just checked and looks like I would be entitled to universal credit as well...! Wowsers. I had no idea. Thanks for putting the idea into my head , I'd never have looked.

Of course he doesn’t want to move out and lose his home or children. I’m sure you don’t either if he said to you to leave ( without them)

ultimately you’ll need to tell him you want a divorce, start the ball rolling and come to a financial settles which may involve selling the house. There are steps and processes to follow.

he doesn’t have to move out while this is ongoing. You also need to work out child arrangements- he may well ask for 50:50 shares care here too

tiull need to read up on divorce process, financial settlement advice to educate yourself and seek proper legal advise

you both have same housing needs ( especially if 50:50 care) so selling and splitting any equity may have to be route unless he’s high earner and you can also buy him out his share