Hi I have been with my husband for 20yrs and married over half of these hearts. We have children together as well in the equation.
i wanted to see and hear what other people think of my situation and advice you would give please.
I gave up working when I had children so I am dependent on my husband. I say dependent in financial terms, something I am greatly concerned now over as I have no career that I could have had and no way of suitably looking after my children in the way they are use too. My husband earns 6 figures and on paper I appear as if I live some rosey perfect life.
However it couldn’t be further from the truth. I try to shield my children from arguments or I try not to react to how my husband is treating me in front of the children now they are older. So I go about largely deeply upset and to be honest very sad on a day to day basis. I really have lost my sparkle and was once someone who would have a real passion for life and a very driven ans motivated person.
my children notice that their dad is moans a lot about anything. If I say something to the kids like can you listen or pick that up and put it away. His the first to get involved and chip in saying some comment to the kids. It drives me insane as I don’t need him to do that. Our children are really good kids at school and outside school and I find any ounce of negativity he jumps on and harps on about it or happy to go into a lecturer about something either me or kids have done wrong in his eyes.
if we go out for days everything has to be restricted like the kids are I’ll say will get an ice cream or drink and he’ll ask how much it is. If we’re out and the kids need a drink and we aren’t hard up then to me they need a drink or an ice cream is nice. I do put my foot down and still walk to the ice cream van etc but all the while he’ll make it evident he doesn’t agree with comments on how much anything is. So even if the kids are tucking into a nice ice cream on a hot day it’s kind of spoiled as will sit their listening to him saying how much something was. Just a real downer.
I do literally all the parenting and always have down ever since they are babies as in I take them to doctors, hospital and nurse them better. His part in it is going out for some calpo or a prescription I’ve organised as otherwise he doesn’t really get involved with anything like this. No affection or real care.
our son plays football to a high level which comes with inevitable injuries from time to time and he almost sulks well he actually does sulk of our sons injured and he gets frustrated. Or tries to tell our son that doesn’t hurt or he asks in a way how something is to our son so our son feels he has to say something is okay. His parents showed Zero compassion for anyone only themselves, if someone upset them or they was hurt in anyway physically or unwell. I feel he is exactly the same. I just find him total lacking any empathy for the kids or me it’s like he makes us all feel like we can’t complain about anything so he doesn’t have to do anything or we don’t bother him or ask anything of him. It’s just so unkind.
he no longer speaks to his parents but went to collect some last bits of his from them. He came back in a foul mood. I was waiting to do the garden with him when he got back from collecting things and because I said “are you going to do the shed” he punched a punching bag multiple times which swung and smashed a picture on the wall. All the way home his gritting his teeth at me and talking hateful to me purely because I asked a question.
the new thing is he often goes up and lays on the bed sucking on his phone any time I ask him to help with something. We are trying to do our house up. I did all the diy in our old house and I’m trying to do the what I can in the current house. Tbh I’m finding it so difficult Bcos jobs always take longer he drags things out at weekends or doesn’t really get stuck in on anything and I’m left trying to do nearly. everything.
I found on his computer a few years back that he’d met a female colleague for gym sessions and they went to dinner. I was heart broken and his first reply when I said what are these emails he said “it’s not fair on her” not me, his wife and partner of over a 15+ years nothing come out of his mouth in a way of compassion for me. I sat shaking head to toe so upset. He said to me there was nothing in it but my gut thinks there definitely must have been. Since then I’ve never looked at him the same. He doesn’t really apologise or sympathetically mean sorry as I think every time ring that he does be validates it.
the new thing is when I confront him on things he raises his voice so our neighbours can hear him and 9/10 he’ll be saying “leave me alone” like his some victim do they hear him. Yet in this scenario for instance I’ve been out with him and the kids his made it miserable the whole time moaning, picking up on everything he kids are doing. Driving erratic and talking hateful all day so when I come in I tell him what I think and then all he’ll do is raise his voice, slam doors, punch walls and say leave me alone like his some victim.
everything I do he never takes any notice of or appreciation. He’ll say how much did that cost or for instance I was painting our garden fences (we have a lot) he’ll come out and say still got those to do etc.
I decorate the kids rooms and he’ll show people them and he’ll say what he did (which will be barely anythin)
Everyone always asks how he is when we go somewhere or how’s he work and no one ever asks how I am. Yet I feel like I’m suffering silently all the time in a deep horrendous way way of sadness.
I asked him to do the shed as in sort it out as it suntidy and rammed. Bearing in mind I have planted nearly all the plants, painted all the fences there a lot. Jet washed the patio, cleaned eveything outdoors. Painted areas for the bbq, painted the shed. Organised storage done all the gardening in terms of trimming trees, bushes w s shrubs and because I ask him to sort the shed.
he goes into a raging hump banging on walls in the house, saying I’m having a go at him and he talks to me like a pig.
m I have put it to the kids before that I can’t take this as this behaviour is not what is normal and should be expected in a relationship. But they cry and get upset about us parting ways.
I just look at him and ask myself when was he ever there for me ever in a way I wanted.
I had our children. Both births were horrific really traumatic and from day one as soon as I had them in my arms I’ve carried the fort. Been happy it’s my babies the births over with done and I no longer have to live through that etc so no point mopping about feeling sorry for myself.
but when I look back how his treated me is horrendous my first born he told eveyone the first time we showed people the baby. How he’d been up and I’d slept. To put it into context I had to have an epidural Bcos my baby was stuck and for two days I had been trying to birth naturally in hospital. I was left too late and had the most awful birth. Bled out and our baby was so unwell. My priority was always our baby but I just look back and think you witnessed everything me and our child went through and you talk of yourself, paint the picture like I was off painting my nails or something not nearly dying whilst having his child.
same second child i had a fractured tailbone from birth my medication was wearing off and I said I really need something else pain wise as I am in pain.
he aggressively come up to my face in the cubicle saying if you go ask now we’ll never get out of here. He sulked Bcos I walked to the nurses station asking for pain relief and they sent a physio.
two weeks later he was arguing about taking me back to the hospital after sepsis Bcos I didn’t feel good ell still after finishing my antibiotics and his screaming at me the whole time in the car on the way there how stupid it is. How it’s unnecessary and he’ll loose his job if he has to have any more time off (he’s had the normal 2 weeks at this point) he won’t on to have a further week whereby he sat on the sofa like he’d given birth I didn’t get any real meals cooked for me or any card tbh.
now he often raises his voice over everything. Always talks negatively about me to me and says everything is my fault baiscally and he hasn’t said or acted in a way to upset me or the kids. He punches me walls and doors and slams doors.
I am heart broken because I always wanted the forever and a soul mate. I am more heart broken than anything to think the children would have a broken home and family life that I know they’d hate. Or possibly blame me for but in the future I hope they’d understand. I am scared ans frustrated that I let all my own career go Bcos I thought I was marrying someone who valued both our roles and that we would be a partnership.
i have called him a narcissist which he absolutely hates but everything I read about one he is.
I don’t know what to do. I pretend to the world everything is okay but really it is far from normal. I sheild my family from any knowledge of my home life as I don’t want people worrying or feeling upset.
but I wanted our marriage to work so much. I wanted my penguin a mate for life and I am heart broken that I have no real choice than to leave a narcissistic bully who any time I speak to him comes back with a response like he is the victim