I’m writing this for advice for my sister who is the one going through this situation, well we all are to be honest!
Rewind to just over 3 years ago my sister met this seemingly great guy, on the internet of course and quickly they were head over heels and he was introduced into the family. My sister and I (because of Covid) were in the process of moving into one property as we were both paying rent for separate flats but spent most of our time together and neither of us had a garden!
Just before we moved my sister told me she was pregnant, just a couple of months in to knowing this new guy, who had completely love bombed her with affection and big gestures, she seemed really excited and obviously we were all so happy for her.
Since the pregnancy, things started to go downhill, I saw/heard everything as he decided to move in with both of us and I often questioned why they were together, they just seemed to argue and be very distant. He was incredibly lazy, rubbish at keeping a job, couldn’t commit to anything he said he would do whether that be joining a gym or putting away his clothes and seemed to long for his life of socialising and partying abroad. My sister, quite demanding and high maintenance, always wants a clean house, organised, plans everything, anxious with the new baby and struggled with dealing with a new body/feelings being a mum.
Fast Forward 2 years of arguing, storming out the house, numerous jobs and awkward silences.
My sisters boyfriend started suffering with his health, physically and mentally. Since my niece was born his efforts have been, well not great. He couldn’t hold a job down, something always seemed to happen that wasn’t his fault, he spent his time at home on his phone or asleep, didn’t seem to want to help with the baby unless it was at a party or family were round, he had borrowed money from several family members, often stayed up on his own really late, went for dog walks on his own most days and always made plans that he never had intentions of doing or sticking to. I tried several times to chat to him about what’s going on and he put it down to being away from his friends and not being allowed to socialise frequently and it made him unhappy.
A couple of days before my sisters birthday, after a particularly distant and argumentative phase, in which my sister and her bf were in constant chats as what to do to make their relationship better, my sister came home from work to find the house empty. Her boyfriend had been suffering with his stomach and bowels for a while and was in bed with stomach aches/sweats/shivers/diarrhoea ect off sick from work. She arrived home at lunch time to find the house empty, she called his phone and no answer, she called a few times over a short period of time and no answer still. After a little while she received a call from his parents, who told her everything. He had packed a bag and arrived at their house after deciding he had enough of the lies and didn’t know where to turn. His parents disclosed he has a cocaine addition, reliant on it daily and it’s now moved on to alcohol too. He decided to leave because the rent was due the following day and he had spent his entire wages, had no money, no one would help him anymore and he knew my sister wouldn’t forgive him for getting into the position he was in.
I should say, before my sister got with this man she asked him if he used drugs as for her, it was a no go if he did. Her previous marriage ended in domestic violence, lies and deception which all evolved around drugs and alcohol. She swore to herself she would never date someone again who enjoyed that type of lifestyle, which I believe is why he hid it from her for so long.
His addition had been for a very long time, at least daily for over a year and half of their relationship. He was in serious debt, jobless and had lied about most things in his life.
My sister was heartbroken and stressed, he had walked out without a word to her or his 2 year old child and left us in the lurch trying to find money to cover his rent.
We both felt completely stupid that we hadn’t noticed the signs. There had been a few occasions where I had questioned where alcohol had gone, we aren’t a very “drinky” family, but I had noticed bottles missing or empty in the cabinet and a few of them refilled with a different alcohol inside. I didn’t really think much about it as someone having a drink isn’t a cause for concern but secretly drinking/refilling bottles seemed odd to me. I didn’t ever think that he was leading this secret life.
A few weeks later, he decided to text my sister asking to explain. He hadn’t been in contact since he left, didn’t ask about his child, we had to plan to move as we couldn’t afford the house by ourselves and we were left trying to fill in the blanks.
We skip to now, my sisters now ex, hasn’t seen my niece for a year, my sister was very clear that until he was clean and more mentally stable, she wasn’t happy for him to have shared custody. They arranged a FaceTiming schedule and she asked if he could send money to help contribute towards their child. Unfortunately in a year he is in exactly the same place as he was when he left. He has lied multiple times about having jobs when he hasn’t, lied agreeing to pay money and then doesn’t , lied about going to rehab, lied about doctors involvement, has gone abroad on benders, sent hundreds of voice notes to my sister crying/mocking/verbally abusive, doesn’t ask about their child other than the face time calls which multiple times he just doesn’t call, weeks go by then he’s back as if nothing has happened.
My niece is now 3 and is starting to notice Daddy isn’t reliable, she asks why he doesn’t call, why isn’t he coming to her party or sent her a card for her birthday. The latest row came because of Father’s Day, my sister asked her daughter if she wanted to send him a card or voice note and she said No thanks, she asked for a couple of weeks and the answer didn’t change. Father’s Day came and he sent a smarmy voice note declaring how poisonous she is and how heart breaking it is for him not to receive anything.
Yet for Mother’s Day, Christmas, birthdays ect she has received nothing and nor has their child.
He is now stating he will be going to free legal aid to gain access to their child because he doesn’t agree with the fact he doesn’t get to see her.
If you have got this far well done, my question really is how do you deal with/co parent with a parent who has addiction and has anyone had a custody battle with someone with addiction.
My sister is finally in a much more settled place and although finds it hard being a single parent, she isn’t prepared to let him back into their lives without him being clean and more reliable. In a year he hasn’t been able to get any help or get any further away from that life style but obviously she doesn’t want her daughter to not have a dad!
thanks for reading, sorry for the waffle!