I'm going to try sound factual, as am full of heartache, guilt, and confusion so will try stick to the points: I'm in my early 30's, have 3 incredible children, ages: 1, 2 and 3. I have been with my partner for 10 years since University. Unmarried, engaged but when he proposed he wasn't very serious about getting married. We equally own our home that's 6/8 months off being finished - it has cottages and businesses attached to it. It's not financially viable to sell now, mid works.
I am also launching a business in 4 weeks which may be a massive flop, or could provide an income that would be somewhat reassuring for the children's financial future.
I've read that getting divorced (in our case separated), before children are 5 is best - how it's possible to generalize I don't know, but there must become an age of maturity that a child finds it extra traumatic instead of just very confusing and upsetting.
My mother went from being an able bodied person to barely being able to walk when I was aged 3/4 and it was very, very, confusing, but the real reflections on my behavior and feelings probably were aged 6 onwards, and still sadden me now if I think about it, which I try not to, as it makes me sad for how hard for her it must have been and, still is. I am now at the same age where my mother lost her mobility - she was very active, enjoyed riding, and skiing and I have one memory of her chasing me down the lane near our house and laughing so much, and loving her so much, and being so happy. I don't like to think about it because I think how much it must have hurt her. I couldn't imagine going through what she went through, with her having two young children. I am an able bodied person, I didn't inherit what my mother did, surely that's enough to make some boundaries with DP and get on with it - I should sacrifice myself and make the best of it. Will my grown up children still hurt that their parents didn't live happily ever after together? My DC are close in age and have each other, but who am I to break their idyllic childhoods when there's so much pain in the world for so many children.
DP said things will be better when house/businesses more established. He said the same when we were renting, the thing when trying to buy a house, he said the same BC. We don't share a bedroom, haven't for a long time. Still are intimate - only once a week average now though, usually after a bottle of wine.
He's right to a certain extent but I am more of a believer that it's about how you cope with problems and stress that is the significant indictor of a positive outcome.
What are those with experience of divorcing with young children? Am I saving up a problem for them down the line by not ending things now? I trust DP to reliably co-parent - he is a reliable, yet a very toxic, hurtful, person because of issues growing up. I will "hurt" myself when I am hurting, but he will crush me if he is hurting. I'm saying things I haven't dared to admit as it seems so self pitying and sad, but he has no respect for me - there's no connection.
Am I supposed to stay with him for the children's benefit? I don't want to be with anyone else, I even only really find him attractive! But I've really understood what people mean by saying they're in a loveless marriage. There is no love, or care, and it's not a realistic idea to think we'll be together in 20 years time? Has anyone thought this and are now happily together.
How do you cope with the guilt of the outcome for the children vs being convinced you'll be happier and healthier in the long run without your DP. I have absolutely no body to talk to about this, apart from an overly rushed therapist who suggests couples counseling, but IR I think that will be used for discussing co parenting. Friends are either newly busy with babies, trying to have them, or arranging marriages, or single and hating it, or single and loving it. I don't know anyone considering separating with really young children.
I was scared (hearing horror stories of how ones friends back the husband, husband gets young, beautiful gf, has more children in 15 years time, in which time everyones turned against you, and you're an embittered old hag. But I don't think this exists still? (If so also do share you are so entitled to be angry!)
I am not scared of that any more. I think those assumptions are confined to history. In 2024 I can easily be a single women. I just worry about my 3 very young children, in all this what will it mean for them. I do worry about what people will say - broken home and all those terms.
There are the women who are not with us today who chose to stay because of societies old pressures and natural tendency to rush to sympathise with the man, and not what the women was dealing behind closed doors. The charming men, or the quietly broody "shy" men are the ones women can fear leaving - knowing they'll win the PR wars, wars which these women didn't want to start. But the men who garner sympathy, and attention, and all the laughter at parties, can be the ones behind closed doors who get away with being very challenging when no ones looking. DP is a bit like this, very much so, but I can accept he may become less stressed and become gentler and kinder.
Has anyone stayed and not regretted it? Can I go for 6 months longer and see if it really does turn out alright. I'd leave today if it wasn't for my 3 DC.
I'd be very interested to hear other peoples stories about how they did, or didn't make it. The endings and the new beginnings they had. The things that surprised them, or that they weren't prepared for. Possibly even some good endings. Marriages and partnerships come in all shapes and sizes and experiences - and lengths!
Or sorry for the TFLDR!