Separation with a 4 month old

[Lollipoppy123]

im looking to separate from my husband of nearly 4 years. It’s been long time coming but I kept putting it off as we were expecting a baby and I wanted to try and work it out for the baby.
however, I’ve now decided it’s time. After we got married, I moved to his hometown which is 4 hours away from mine and we have our home there. I would like to move back to my hometown after the separation/divorce as my support system is there.

i know my husband would like a 50/50 joint custody but I’m not sure how feasible it is to have a 4 month old travel up and down 8 hours frequently. What’re my options here? I would love to try mediation but I have a feeling this will end in court!

I’d move now, go home for practical and emotional support from friends/family.

Well if he diesnt agree to your move with his child ( and personally I think it’s terrible to do so ) he can apply for a prohibited steps order to prevent you from doing do

if it goes to court the onus will be on you to demonstrate why you removing the child from
from a parent is in the child’s best interests, how you will facilitate access which allows full parental role , and most likely you will be responsible for all travel and costs and be prepared for long periods away from your child ( perhaps not immediately with them being a baby)

what arrangements are you proposing? I can absolutely understand why he’d opppse this

‘Terrible to do so’ is a bit of a strong somewhat unhelpful judgement IMO and marred an otherwise helpful post.

Committing to 18 years not in your hometown / near your own support network (joint support networks often break down in favour of whoever’s side it was originally - in this case their partner’s) is a big ask and is an attitude which penalises the partner who moved as part of a relationship. Yes, the child and maintaining a relationship with the other partner is a priority but the OP’s mental health over 18 years is also important both a) because they’re a human being as well as a parent and b) it affects their capacity to parent to the best of their ability. It’s just a difficult situation, let’s acknowledge that rather than judge.

Re court, it’s incorrect that you would have to do all travel / costs. It’s very early into the child’s life so it’s not a long set precedent and they’re not actually out to punish the other parent if there is a good reason. I.e. if OP ends up doing more than 50/50, they’re not also going to wear her down by making her do all the travelling. Yes, it happens sometimes that one party has to do all the travel but most common is 50/50 split of travel.

However, rest is very true. OP needs to pull together a plan for how to make this work including stepping up to longer periods as the child gets older. Having this progression in place will show your serious about maintaining the relationship. It’s hard pre school years but from then big blocks over school holidays and half terms help scale up the time. Another consideration might be to agree to stay for X period until 1 or 2 overnights have been built up as this initial 12-24 months is the most difficult for long distance coparenting. However you would want it agreed that you’re doing this for this period to build up the relationship and the overnights with the intention to move once they’re established (otherwise your partner could use this precedent against you moving later on).

Good luck!

I said it likely she would be responsible for travel - and I’ve seen that in multiple cases. Not that it was definite

abd actually yes I personally feel it is terrible to remove a child from a parent unless of course they are a danger. Simply wanting to separate doesn’t equal this. When you become a parent you have to make decisions best for your child which might mean you end up doing things for them not you. Its natural when people split to want to live/get space/support etc But i personally think it’s selfish to move so far away, my opinion of course.

of course op can move 4 hours and leave the child with their dad….. if she thinks the distance is acceptable

The OP is an adult. She can maintain her family relationships from a distance. There is no evidence living in another area will put her mental health at risk. There is evidence and common sense dictates it that the move would be detrimental to the child’s relationship with their father. The courts are obliged to consider this. And it’s important that the OP understands the risks involved in this option. It may well be that she ends up fighting a battle that is fruitless.

I don’t agree with relocating children away from the other parent unless there is abuse. I get the OP regrets moving and maybe it was a mistake but it is her mistake and she should deal with the consequences not her child.

Firstly, the OP didn’t ask for an opinion. They asked for options. Millymollymoo, you often proffer opinions and it’s just not helpful when it’s not asked for. People going through separations feel bad enough, ok?

As a parent you do things in a child’s best interest if you can survive it. Whilst secondary, courts do acknowledge than parents have rights too in particular if there is a primary caregiver doing the majority of the work. (We don’t have enough information on this to form a view.) The attitude of just suck it up and own your mistakes is naive against the backdrop of how difficult single parenting (depending on where it ends up on the spectrum of splits, working etc). Definitely try to suck it up but it’s not a black line which can’t be crossed. Again an opinion was not asked for but options.

Re the travel costs, I disagree it’s likely all to fall on OP and I speak from an informed position too. I just think the OP should get a balanced view and given we both seem to be in the know, maybe the takeaway is that it’s uncertain and could fall either way. Millymollymoo gives advice on a number of these topics and I’ve noticed it’s not always right or is too strongly worded so I feel an obligation to soften it to give a balanced view. People use these forums a lot for advice.

Not looking to be contentious here so let’s not start a war but focus on what the OP is asking for. The options are 1) stay; 2) stay until the child is older and travelling / overnights is easier or 3) go now. 2 and 3 will need a well thought out plan re housing / nursery / family / job and progression to more and more overnights and block periods. 1 would be the one supportive of 50/50 and only OP knows how realistic this is but maybe put in place a schedule which gives lots of contact time / shares responsibility as much as possible at this young age to see if your partner is going to stick to their word on this.

1. Leave the child with its father and she can be free to move wherever she wants.

…and if the child’s primary caregiver is their father then that may well be in their best interest. Otherwise this is flippant adult-focussed comment which isn’t helping anyone, least of all the OP. She didn’t ask for a philosophical debate.

OP, I moved 85 miles away from my ex. I just told him I was going, because I needed to work, and there was no work where he chose to live. He threatened me with court, he'd take ds away from me, all the normal stuff if I left.

So I offered to drop ds off with him every other Friday night and collect every other Sunday night.

Suddenly he wasn't so keen. He'd have had to give up pub with his mates on Friday night and tennis on Saturday mornings. Pub on Sunday lunchtime. He'd have had to change nappies, get up at night, feed ds.

The threatened court summons, the demand for full custody never came. He didn't have ds over night until he was at school (fully toilet trained and able to use a knife & fork). He's never managed more than 20 nights a year.

So do an honest assessment of how you think your stbx will respond. Some men are all hot air.

It really depends how reasonable he is and if you feel you can make arrangements to make coparenting work, If he is an ex that's using child to control you that's a different story to dad who would like meaningful relationship with their child
If you move without giving him a chance to get prohibited steps order how can he force you to move back?

You may not be allowed to move if this ends up in court and he puts in a claim for custody. He may not get 50/50 but if you moving away prevents him from having a relationship with the child it may be stopped.