Commiserate with me!

[FeelingItToday]

Really messy divorce with someone who, on the surface of it, is such a wonderful person.

I’ve just spent the day at a very long and tiring public function where one after the other, people spoke of the ex in such favourable ways it actually stung!

The sad thing is, I can't blame anyone because I too, once fell for the Mr nice guy act.

But part of what made the divorce messy was the extend he went to, to turn people against me and try to tarnish my reputation.

I guess I feel heavy today. I try to stay away from ex as much as I can but I couldn't avoid this gathering and maybe it's the tiredness and tension talking but I feel heavy from how people act like he's so great, surely I must agree?

But he's the reason I lost everything including parts of myself, and the reason the police are still pursuing some of his criminal behaviour against me.

I suppose, after a day of hearing key people rave about how brilliant he is, I want to talk to people here who maybe have also been in the same place and know what it's like.

How do you not let it affect you?

With difficulty. I didn't tell anyone why I was divorcing my ex because the children didn't know and I wanted to protect him. TBH I think I was scared of what he might do. Now, I wish I'd told people but his whole family have pretty much ignored me so..

Acknowledge it is unfair, it is crap and you feel rubbish. Then think about who these people are. Do you like them, respect them, have to see them often or even again? Then act accordingly.

I can really relate to what you say about being worried about repercussions if you speak up. Thank you for the good advice to stop and think about how important these people truly are to me. I guess when I really think of it I don't see them as much as he does, which could be why he's not given the whole picture and they've so readily fallen for it. To some extent I tried to give myself a good talking to, telling myself that I can't control what's thought of me, but I suppose I want as much damage limitation as possible and it vexes me that it's looking like I haven't been as successful as I'd hoped to be!

I'm not protecting him anymore. I just haven't had the opportunity to tell a home. Only his mother and auntie know what has happened.

It is difficult but if these people aren't important to you then their feelings about you shouldn't matter. Remember not to give them headspace when they wouldn't give you their heart, aka known as care and support.

I had a toxic "nice guy" type too. He was so convincing that even some members of my own family took his side and blamed me. He is still be treated like Mr. Wonderful even though everybody knows he's a cheater. He's a lot more than that as well, but most people don't believe me about it.
Have you told friends and relatives about the crimes against you? I would. You'll find out who really cares about you and who does not. Then you won't have to waste time on relationships with people who make excuses for scum.
As for how to cope; no contact, no contact, no contact. Why were you compelled to go to this event? Don't be afraid of what people will think if you don't go places where he will be. Your mental wellbeing is of paramount importance.

No contact. Grey rock.

Personally I wouldn't waste my energy on trying to make people see what a piece of $%^! he is. You must know who has your back and who hasn't, and you are unlikely to change people's perceptions.

Focus on what is in your own best interest and what you can control 💐