Disrespectful

[Hat50]

So my husband and I have been married for 22 years. We've had lots of issues over the years. His family is from Kenya and my family is mostly here. I've never stopped him from going to see his folks. He usually goes on his own as they dislike me. The last 3 times he went he arranged and booked his flight with his sister (she lives there) and told me afterwards he was going-he had booked flights on my birthday. I got very upset with this and told him how I felt as the kids were little then and the fact he went on my birthday without even discussing it with me first. More recently our troubles have worsened. We've had marriage councilling and talked about being more open and communicative with each other amongst other things. Things were going good until 2 weeks ago he stopped talking to me. Then he told me he's going to Kenya for a holiday..he's sorted it out with his sister flights all booked. I asked him how he got leave and hadn't mentioned it before to me... he said he doesn't need to ask my permission to go. I am very upset over this statement as I feel disrespected, not valued about my opinions and thoughts.. He hasn't considered my feelings at all. I said he should have at the very least talked to me he was thinking of going as plans were being made.
AIBU about feeling this way ?
I said hadn't he learnt anything from couples councilling as he has gone back to his old habits. I feel I cant continue with this relationship anymore.

Has he been so dismissive of you and your feelings for the whole 22 years?
You don't really allude to anything other than his trips back to Kenya?

Yes .. mostly. I tell him how I feel about other things like when he gave me the silent treatment for months.. but he just carried on.

It sounds as though your DH just does what he wants when he wants. He is behaving as if he is single with no regard for you or his children.
If he goes on all these holidays to see his family in Kenya what holiday do you and the children get?
I think you are right that he doesn't seem to have any respect for you or your feelings. From what you say this isn't much of a relationship at all and I think you are right to consider ending it. You will probably be happier if you do.

Thankyou for your thoughts. We ve been on some family holidays over the years but I've never really enjoyed them with him as he's always got grumpy or moaned about the kids. Always spoil the holiday over what I feel are minor issues. Again I've communicated this to him and he still continues with his unreasonable behaviour.

Giving some one the silent treatment is a form of abuse.
Your DH sounds quite unpleasant.

Yes I've been thinking a lot about my marriage with him over the last 22years and there have been more downs than ups.i thought couples councilling would have helped .. but after this last episode I feel I've exhausted trying to save the marriage.

Only you know if you have finally had enough but after 22 years this isn't going to miraculously get any better. He has got everything going to his benefit. He can do exactly as he pleases and he isn't remotely bothered if you are happy or not.

Hi Zerrin13
Yes I think that's what I'm finally realising.Just does what his sister and mom says without thinking about wider implications and happiness of others.
Time to let him go I think. Too many years of things and disrespect I've put up with.

So we've just had another big serious discussion about his trip and the fact that he didn't talk to me before booking it. He again wouldn't acknowledge this. Instead I feel he turned it around and started saying I didn't discuss taking my older son on the university open days last week .I said all dates are on the family calender and we were talking abt it when my son put them on and he was also in the kitchen. Hubby said he doesn't look at calendars and I didnt ask him. I explained they were weekdays so he wouldn't get time off and anyway he needs to check calendar. So AIBU .. is that my fault he doesn't look. He hadn't even put his Kenya trip leave on calendar even tho he'd got his leave ages ago.
I told him how upset I was but he didn't acknowledge that then started talking about his finances and how it was my fault he has loads of loans.. which came as a surprise to me .
I said we on different pages and I feel that we don't have the same values .he's giving me the silent treatment now.

Is the university you went to look at in Kenya?! He is really reaching if he’s likening you going on a day/overnight trip to a
uni to his holiday in Kenya 😂

Lol no not in Kenya.. was Leeds and Liverpool University s.. I know that what I find ridiculous..his words ringing in my ears that he doesn't need my permission.. basically can do what he pleases..sorts it all out with his sister then thinks to tell me.. I feel like an after thought. Yesterday he said I was trying to be controlling!.. I just think its courtesy to speak to your wife about it first before you book it .
AIBU

I've got little alarm bells ringing in my ears about those loans- has anyone else ?

Hat50 - look you've given it your best shot - 22 years, kids and couples counselling. He's still not communicating with you, ignoring you and behaving as if he doesn't have family responsibilities. I think we can all agree he not going to be changing how he behaves anytime soon.

So the question is - what do you want to do ? How do you want to live your life ? Sounds like you've got a least one child flying the nest soon - do you want to felt alone at home, in a relationship going nowhere ?

You are the only one who make a change to better your life. I would suggest you take some time to come to terms with the fact that your relationship will never be anywhere near how you want it to be, and then make a plan of action to change your life for the better. You may need some counselling and support to help you.

Basically what I am saying is you do not have to put up with being treated this way - you can make changes

Yes I agree. Be very cautious about that loans comment. I’d get some legal advice now about where you stand before broaching any conversation about separation with him.