Nasty divorce

[aggies87]

Dear Ladies. I am writing this post this morning because I'm trying to get out of the most toxic and abusive marriage. The divorce have gone through and it will take few months for it to be official. My husband initially claimed to do things amicably but he is not . We are currently renting a property and it's unclear who will be able to stay at current flay. He refuses to remove himself and leave me at current place with children and he is backed up by the landlord as he is the one with money. Recently he has been so arrogant that he says he will stay with children in current flat as he can afford it . My older daughter who is 14 and we are having very difficult time recently due to divorce and uncertainty and her teenager phase and she express she wants to stay with dad therefore he says he will stay in current flat with her or both children. The marriage have been verbally abusive and emotionally abusive and we both said horrible le things to each other including swearing and name calling and as he is very hateful person he kept record of everything since the beginning of the marriage and he says he is waiting for the final divorce and he will apply for full custody for the children and will destroy me as he has so much evidence that I'm abusive . The truth is I have been abusive at times but this was due to his abuse and I tried multiple times to leave but I was never in a financial situation to do so . I have also met a man who he has never had any contact with children but it came out and he says that he will request full dbs check on my partner and threatens me he will never let any other man to live with his children. He says he has documents ready to sue me when divorce is finalised and he will show me how nasty he is. I have been having suicidal thoughts because this marriage had been a nightmare and abusive and I know I'm a good person I side but things have been said . I'm scared he will take my children away from me as I don't have proof except for one recording when he threatened to he killed me if children were not kn the house and one police report for him slapping me but I backed it out out of fear. I'm not sure what to do I'm scared of court case and I'm scared ill end up in prison foe calling him resist names when he also abuse my origins and background. Is it possible for him to take my kids away and also can he request a dbs check on my partner in the future that is or any partner in the future without any reason other than being around my children? Thank you foe your advise.

16 years of abusive marriage does things to you. It does affect your mental health and reactions are not always right to certain situations.

OP, ignore that first poster they have no idea what emotional abuse does to you. It's very well recognised that abusers deliberately goad their victims to lose it and shout back.

Remember, all you did was lose your rag and call him names under severe provocation after years of abuse. That is not illegal, the police and courts will be very familiar with your situation.

He, on the other hand, has made a death threat against you which you have a recording of and has physically assaulted you which you made a police report about (don't worry about the fact that you withdrew the complaint, it will still be on record and police DV teams are well used to this situation). Both those actions are most certainly illegal!

Like most abusers he is trying to scare you with empty threats. They are baseless. As you are the primary carer he has pretty much nil chance of getting sole custody. The most he could hope for is 50:50 and I bet he won't even bother with that.

The most important thing is to speak to the solicitor who handled your divorce ASAP. Ask about the possibility of getting an occupation order to get him out of the home. As there is a recorded history of DV against you it may be possible to get legal aid for costs. I am not legs qualified but your solicitor can confirm.

Also please speak to Women's Aid. They are used to situations like yours and can offer invaluable support.

He does NOT hold all the cards, please remember that.

What has he documented about you? You need to speak to someone for advice. Who has your other child says they want to live with? Has your daughter told you why she wants to live with her dad?

Your 14 year old will be able to make her own decision about who she wants to live with as the family court will only get involved until age 16. If he applies to court now it would be close to 12 months to get anything through the court when I assume she will be 15 so it’s pointless really.
If your younger child is older than 10 then their wishes and feelings will be taken into consideration. Please don’t worry that he will ‘take’ your children away from you. He can’t do that.
As long as the children are safe with you then there shouldn’t be any need for a dbs check on future partners.
Has your ex been threatening this?
He can’t sue you either.
He’s a bully.
You can probably have a restraining order on him if you have text/email evidence of his threats.

Thank you for your reply. My younger daughter is 5. We are very close and I do everything for her. Full care including drop offs and pick ups as I found a job that suits school hours since he never helps including with school holidays as it was too much pressure on me as patent. He keeps threatening me about my partner that he won't allow anyone live with his kids and will do all kind of checks. I am a responsible adult and won't let anyone near my children until I'm sure of someone. He said he has an affidavit ready after consulting 4 lawyers and he is ready to go to court my I'm unclear of what it is for. I don't know if he is just making empty threats as he has been doing it throughout whole marriage. Anyhow I'm scared of him as I have been with him for 16 years and he is quite aggressive with words and it does affect me .

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. that's very kind and helpful

OP, and I say this kindly, I don't think you should be considering a new relationship at this point. Forget DBS checks and threats. Just yourself, you've been in this horrible relationship and now you're running to another. This man may be pure as the driven snow but it's not something you should be considering. Just focus on yourself and your DDs and getting yourself sorted and then in time look for relationships.

Having said that, no he can't force a DBS check but he can do Clares law checks etc. But once you've split then he has no say over who you see and vice versa.
Your oldest can be more influential vis a vis contact but the youngest a court would typically order shared contact. He can stay I the flat especially if he's named on the tenancy so I'd concentrate on finding yourself a new place to live. With just you on a rental agreement. Finally don't be scared of divorce/court. You can self represent and PP have given suggestions of help and you can get solicitor if it's DA. You need to report everything though and log everything. First things first though you meed to get out of that flat so contact Women's aid ASAP

Are you getting any support from Women's Aid or any similar groups in your area. They can help you through this process. Have you started financial negotiations yet? Exchange of Form E etc. As you have reported abuse, you may well be able to get Legal Aid to help with the cost of solicitors etc.

He can't apply for a DBS check anyway. Only employers working with children and vulnerable adults, plus other special status activities such as financial services, are allowed to obtain DBS checks. The fact he is throwing this around as a threat shows how ill informed he is and makes me doubt he has had good legal advice.

He is only trying to control you. He can’t take your kids off you.
It might be worth considering applying to the family court yourself then you are taking the power out of his hands.
It sounds like you are scared to leave your current living situation which I can understand with your children.
If you apply for a C100 which is the first steps you could get a court order in motion that will give you the confirmation that your 5 year old will be moving out with you?
Keep as much information like texts, emails, photos as you possibly can.
The family court can’t send you to prison or anything like that, it’s civil court not criminal.
You will get through this.

No I have not spoken to women's aid. I'm worried They would refer case to social services and as I'm almost at the end of this I don't want to have additional stress. I have anxiety and depression and these things cause me great distress. I reached out many times for help in the past including council when my ex hit me but instead od helping they encouraged me to live with him but in separate bedrooms. I contacted many places in the past and met with rejection only.

Women's Aid will be able to give you the support you need. If you feel unable to contact them now, please do so when you feel able to. They can help you make sense with what has happened and teach you how to build better relationships in the future. I found them really supportive and it really helped me rebuild my self esteem.