My husband and I have been together for over 20 years. We met through a friend. I was recovering from an emotionally/physically abusive childhood and he was a victim of child on child abuse. Neither of us knew for years what the other had faced. We were an odd match but I had attachment issues and clung on to him even though those around us thought we were a poor match. I think he had the same response. Time went on and we had two beloved children. He fell into gambling, debt and alcoholism. I was in a responsible job and unaware of his trauma; I took his addictions at face value, not realizing the trauma that lay behind them. I foolishly had two abusive affairs. My husband was unaware but spiraled as our children grew older. My shame is immeasurable. My oldest was diagnosed with neurodiversity and youngest immune compromised. I dedicated every fibre of my being to the children and their needs. My husband escalated in his addictions and constantly threatened suicide. He overdosed 3 years ago and I got him help but he refused to engage with support agencies. I took my children to safety for 2 years, all the while trying to get support for my husband. I moved back in with the children in February after a period of calm but my husband soon escalated to 1litre of whiskey a day. I went around in circles with police/ambulance/crisis teams. I asked my MP got help at one point. My friends and siblings staged an intervention and insisted I get an occupancy order (mortgage in my name). He’s gone. I realise that I’m in my late 40s and have ruined my life, my husband’s and our children’s. I am utterly ashamed of my behaviour and have no excuses. I want to support my husband and heal the pain for my children. I have an autoimmune disease and am starting to deteriorate physically. Im wondering if there is anyone else out there who has started again from rock bottom, who has been able to atone and can give advice.