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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Custody arrangements with narc

7 replies

Whattosay3 · 19/06/2024 18:55

Hi in the process of splitting from DP. We have 3 children under 8. He has never looked after all three by himself for more than a couple of hours and only in the house. If he goes out of the house he will only take one child with him. To be honest he can't stand spending more than a couple of hours if that with them. We don't go on full days out because of this. He also does nothing for them at home i.e. getting them ready, breakfast, lunch, dinner, drinks, bedtime etc etc. He says he does enough as he works full time.

He's a classic narc and obviously said he will go for full custody!

Solicitor asked me what arrangement I was thinking of. I said the standard every other weekend one. He asked me if I think he's an able parent and I honestly couldn't answer because I don't see alot of parenting from him. He won't even get up off the sofa when they ask for a drink! But then I've heard of dad's totally stepping up after the split.

He said they can request psychiatrist records from when he had therapy to see if that says anything that would affect his parenting (I know he spoke alot about this).

I don't think it's good for kids not to see their dad but she raised a good question of if every other weekend was a good idea or if the kids wouldn't be looked after.

Obviously all of this is going to enrage the narc as he's being criticised and will have to listen to my opinion so not looking forward to having this conversation.

Has anyone else gone through similar?

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/06/2024 19:42

You can suggest that he takes them out every Saturday afternoon or does a school pick up and dinner one night mid week too? Then he can argue from there if he wants to?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/06/2024 19:42

He needs to eveidence he has capability or experience of doing whatever he is asking to do

Whattosay3 · 19/06/2024 20:49

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/06/2024 19:42

You can suggest that he takes them out every Saturday afternoon or does a school pick up and dinner one night mid week too? Then he can argue from there if he wants to?

I don't know why I feel so guilty but he really doesn't have a good case having done nothing for them. It's all the little things that's he doesn't know about them too. Like how they tick. He's got alot to learn. It's the lack of patience and being annoyed at them all the time that worries me. The things he complains about them for are all common things kids do but he acts like it's the end of the world!

OP posts:
Beautifulbythebay · 19/06/2024 20:58

Suggest a trial month of 50 /50 ... Send him a predicted timetable /schedule for school /activities /parties. Include him needing to get card /gift. Days they do PE /swimming.. Drawn up a typical menu for the week. Bath nights etc. Fill that timetable.. Send him a copy and ask him which days would be best for him...

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/06/2024 21:51

Beautifulbythebay · 19/06/2024 20:58

Suggest a trial month of 50 /50 ... Send him a predicted timetable /schedule for school /activities /parties. Include him needing to get card /gift. Days they do PE /swimming.. Drawn up a typical menu for the week. Bath nights etc. Fill that timetable.. Send him a copy and ask him which days would be best for him...

Or ask him to fill that time table in and show how little he knows about his children

Whattosay3 · 19/06/2024 22:47

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/06/2024 21:51

Or ask him to fill that time table in and show how little he knows about his children

That will be one blank timetable!!! He refuses to take them to kids parties/activities so that'll be something they'll miss out on if it's his weekend.

OP posts:
mynamechangemyrules · 19/06/2024 22:57

OP I am six years on from leaving a narc and trying to work out access. He was EXACTLY as you describe and would rationalise his only having one at a time as 'quality time' or whatever- then take them where he wanted, to do what he wanted to do while the DC would inevitably act up so boring stuff for hours. He wanted them full time= wanted to punish me by not having them... anyway we got to court and the first thing out of his mouth was that he now didn't want them and knew all along they'd be better with me blah blah.

Fast forward to now- he's got jo real relationship with them. Eldest is Gillick competent and asked me to apply to court to 'protect my mental health'. ExH has a new partner and middle child said what we were all thinking 'I hope he can bother her now not us' 😂

Stick to your guns, he won't be able to handle them anyway- but get the court to tell him that as he won't believe you (if he's like 'mine').

Good luck!

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