Hi everyone, have read many threads on here over the years but never posted, I suppose that makes the situation real so I've shyed away but I know I need support now so real it is.
We've been together 13 years, married 10 (ironically we're away at the moment on a celebration holiday for our 10 year anniversary) and have found out, yet again, he's texting someone else. We had a blip like this 3 years ago and although he never admitted to anything, we both knew he'd crossed a boundary even messaging another woman to meet up 'to get lashed'; that is not acceptable to me.
When that happened it was a bolt out the blue, completely floored me mentally and physically, but he said he was in a dark place and went on medication for depression.
We did a lot of work to rebuild the trust and it did start to feel like we had moved on although if I'm honest, a lot of things are a trigger to me but I just hide how I feel for the sake of 'getting back to normal'.
Just for context, we have a lovely life, we're very fortunate to have no financial worries and genuinely we are so compatible on all levels; I sense that perhaps the calm and lack of chaos may be the issue for him.
4 weeks ago something felt way off, again out of the blue. After sitting down to ask what's up, he tells me he doesn't know how he feels about me anymore. Several more conversations later, it transpired his depression is back and he went to the GP for medication.
Although hearing that he's questioning his feelings felt like a punch in the stomach, I have been fully supportive in saying that however long it takes, I'm cool with it - for better for worse and all that eh?
We're now away on holiday and there are signs that he's in contact with someone else. The most hurtful thing is him lying to my face and I'm finally realising that I deserve better, especially after trying so hard to rebuild the trust over the past 3 years. I should've walked away then and trusted my gut, I feel like a complete mug that I didn't and thought he would change - the oldest cliché.
My overriding feeling at the moment is sadness, for the future we won't have and for him in the sense that I don't think he even knows what he's looking for. He does have an ego issue, always wanting to be the hero and to feel wanted/needed by others. I suspect part of the problem is that I don't need him in that way - so any attention from others fuels that craving for him.
How this is going to now play out feels quite overwhelming although being free of my tormented mind sounds appealing, I think I am close to becoming unwell myself.
Sorry for the long rambling message but thanks for reading if you're still here. Although lots of our journeys are quite different, there's a small thread that connects our pain, grief, anger, relief and I am grateful for the platform to share.