How to leave? Will I have to pay SM?

[LimePoet]

Hello all,
I have decided to leave my marriage of 12 years due to unreasonable behaviour of my spouse. My spouse has been abusive almost all of our relationship (shouting at me and my child, breaking my child's things, accusing me of affairs and other things I didn't do, throwing things in anger). Unfortunately, I have ASC and had little past experiences with relationships so it took me a long time to realise his behaviour was not normal and when I did he threatened me and I was scared to leave. He always blamed his outbursts on me and I did not know what to do. Furthermore, my spouse is using cannabis daily and suffered a psychotic episode. Me and my child had to leave the family home for a few months because of his scarry behaviour (we stayed with his family).

I am currently working full-time and am a high earner (over £100k a year). My spouse does not work and will not consider the possibility. There is enough equity in the house to house both of us but I am worried he will be very aggressive once he finds out I want to leave. I have a coil but found out I am pregnant and am now worried for me and my child, I have nowhere else to go as my family is abroad. I understand if I have to go to court for financial remedy this might take years. When I wanted to divorce a few years ago, my spouse got really angry and then threatened he would get full custody of my child, all the equity in the house and I would need to pay him maintenance for life as he does not work. I am the main carer of my daughter but how can this be proven? How will I be able to give my child and potential baby a place to live and meet costs if I have to keep supporting him? How can I keep them safe if he gets really angry?

He will be expected to get a job.

And call the police if he scares you by being abusive

He needs to get a job, claim benefits etc.

Get out ASAP.

Start documenting his behaviour around the children so that you have a strong case but rest assured he is very very unlikely to get full access from what you have said.

Your immediate problem to solve will be housing whilst you sell the property. Is it feasible he could be encouraged by family to move in with them so you can have the house?

Can you afford to buy him out of the house (lump sum to him and him removed from the mortgage?)

Good luck, stay strong.

Courts will look at the needs of children first. If your ex is, abusive, a drug taker and jobless I can't see him getting custody of the children.

SM (Spousal maintenance) is a complicated subject, but if you have always been the higher earner on over £100k a year throughout the marriage it may open the door for a SM application.

If there is sufficient equity in the house for both you, try for a clean break.

Good luck

I was in a similar situation to you OP; non working spouse and high earner, primary carer with two young DC, one disabled. Ultimately what worked was to share assets unequally, with a greater proportion going to ex. He did not dispute having the children less than me. I maintained him for a defined/limited period of time/money until he got his act together. Think about what motivates him and what you can afford.

What do you want to do about your unplanned pregnancy?

It is entirely your choice, but the leaving process would be infinitely easier with one child than with a child and a baby.

Thank you all. @SheilaFentiman I am not sure. This is clearly not great. However, I have struggled with my mental health for some time now (to the point I have been written off work for 4 months now) and I worry an abortion will just make my depression much worse. There is also a question on how to afford a baby, if I return to work I would not get free childcare so it would be very costly and I am not sure affordable if I also have a mortgage.