Hi everyone,
Short back story... We were married 6 years, separated 2 years ago and I moved out of the family home 14 months ago.
We have two young children (2 & 5) who live with me 60% of the time. We are in the process of going through a divorce and have the final finance hearing in October and a 2nd child arrangement dispute resolution hearing in August. I applied for both as ex just can't negotiate and we couldn't come to agreements on both things. I'm very willing to negotiate and try to come to an arrangement that works best for the children but if it isn't what he wants he will not negotiate. Since separating he has been emotionally and psychological abusive to me and literally tries to control everything myself and the children do. I just can't live like this and need someone to tell him to stop. I've contacted the police, Women's Aid, and various other abuse support services who have all said it's abuse but because there is no threat of harm they can't do anything. This is so upsetting. I know his behaviour has negative effects on the children but it's as if no one is taking me seriously.
Anyway, at our first child arrangement dispute resolution hearing I raised these allegations of abuse against him and felt like his barrister and the judge weren't interested and were trying to convince me to drop the allegations as it's such a long, drawn out process and will affect the children negatively if I proceeded with them. I was in utter shock. It wasn't until my ex lied about something that the judge finally listened and ordered a CAFCASS report to be done and a further dispute resolution hearing called for August.
What I'm worried about now is that he is doing exactly what he's done to me over the last 2 years to our children. He has always maintained that even though our youngest child is still only 2 that longer periods of time away from both parents is better than frequent changeovers. I disagree totally. Even though the current arrangement isn't ideal, the children are used to it and know where they are and when. They hate being away from me for 2 nights at a time and the eldest has always said that she doesn't want to be away for a 3rd night, to the point where she's been in tears at any suggestion. Being away from their Dad for longer periods is also not good. CAFCASS are likely to speak to our eldest and ask her her views and I will not manipulate her in any way. What the children want (and need) is the most important thing and I genuinely want them to be the happiest they can be. His behaviour is already having a worrying effect on the children and over the last week the eldest is saying things to me that she would never usually say (she now suddenly wants less changeovers and more concurrent nights with him) where she's always said the opposite. She also said to me that she feels unsafe. When I asked her why she just couldn't tell me.
I wondered if anyone had any advice about CAFCASS talking to the children please? I will always tell the children to tell the truth and to say how they feel but I'm worried he's now doing the opposite and using controlling tactics to get what he wants (it's always been about him and how he should have them as much as me and not about what is best for them). I still breastfeed the youngest (for comfort mostly) and he has never been sentimental to this, especially now.
I know CAFCASS do this all the time and will know language that 5 year olds use but I'm really worried about what he's doing to get what he wants and the lengths he'll go to punish me for separating from him.
Any advice will be greatly appreciated. Apologies, it wasn't really a short back story in the end!