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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Starting over?

5 replies

Hopey19 · 18/06/2024 11:13

Hi everyone,

Just wondering if anyone's been in my position or similar and can give me any advice or encouragement.

I'm almost 35 and considering starting over alone with my 3 very young children. Things with my husband have gradually got worse over the past couple of years, and have reached a head recently - most days he just leaves me in tears with the way he talks to me and treats me. At the beginning of the year we moved in with his family to save up more to buy our next house, it's been extremely difficult as we only have one bedroom for all of us (myself, husband and 3 kids aged 5, 3 and 6 months old) and there's been very minimal help with the kids from his family, but I did my best to dig in and get on with it. He's become more and more impatient with me and just generally really not nice, one day he can be lovely and supportive and the next day he can call me all sorts of names and accuse me of completely untrue things. I recently moved to my mum and dad's with the kids for a while and everything feels so much more peaceful being here after only a few days, but it's not a long term solution. I'm on maternity leave until August and am a low earner (part time NHS worker), I have no savings and just no idea how I could manage finding somewhere to live, paying bills and general life with just me and the kids.
Any advice?

OP posts:
KaliforniaDreamz · 18/06/2024 11:15

i'm afraid I do not have experience of this but from the sounds of your situation how could it possibly be worse if you left him? it is probably better for the kids to do it while they're young...
can you talk to you parents? good luck x

BookArt · 18/06/2024 11:56

I'm 37, with a 5 & 2 year old. I moved back in with my mum, brother, his girlfriend and thr dog 4/5 months ago. Me and the kids share a room. And with one bathroom it is quite interesting haha but the best decision I made. We are all alot happier.

Universal credit - they won't pay any rent for you as you are with family. But if you rented your own place they would support. They support with childcare costs too. I would contact them and seek advice.

I understand your apprehension to start over, I kept thinking I should have my shit together at this age, but actually moving in with my mum was the right thing to do. You're already half way out of this relationship, I wouldn't go back if was you as it'll be harder to leave in the future, especially if right now he thinks it's a temporary measure so willingly let you go but in the future you wouldn't have the same excuse and he might not let you go with the kids. Plus not being financially tied with a house actually makes life easier.

If finances are the only reason you haven't ended this relationship then use the time at your mum's to put in claims and seek support and get your finances in order before you speak to him. You can do it!

Original poster
Hopey19 · 19/06/2024 19:35

KaliforniaDreamz · 18/06/2024 11:15

i'm afraid I do not have experience of this but from the sounds of your situation how could it possibly be worse if you left him? it is probably better for the kids to do it while they're young...
can you talk to you parents? good luck x

Thanks so much x

OP posts:
Original poster
Hopey19 · 19/06/2024 19:39

BookArt · 18/06/2024 11:56

I'm 37, with a 5 & 2 year old. I moved back in with my mum, brother, his girlfriend and thr dog 4/5 months ago. Me and the kids share a room. And with one bathroom it is quite interesting haha but the best decision I made. We are all alot happier.

Universal credit - they won't pay any rent for you as you are with family. But if you rented your own place they would support. They support with childcare costs too. I would contact them and seek advice.

I understand your apprehension to start over, I kept thinking I should have my shit together at this age, but actually moving in with my mum was the right thing to do. You're already half way out of this relationship, I wouldn't go back if was you as it'll be harder to leave in the future, especially if right now he thinks it's a temporary measure so willingly let you go but in the future you wouldn't have the same excuse and he might not let you go with the kids. Plus not being financially tied with a house actually makes life easier.

If finances are the only reason you haven't ended this relationship then use the time at your mum's to put in claims and seek support and get your finances in order before you speak to him. You can do it!

Edited

Thanks so much for the encouragement, sorry to hear you're in a similar situation but it's also nice to know I'm not alone!

I also feel like I should have my shit together - especially with having the kids but there's literally nothing I can do, I do everything I can to keep the peace and that's still wrong to him. I've always been self sufficient with my own home since I was about 21, but I'm coming to terms with it now and I can feel what it's like being away from that situation, 10000x better. We can both do this!

OP posts:
BookArt · 19/06/2024 20:10

My counsellor told me today, in slightly different words, that u do have my shit together. I got my kids out on a horrible environment into a safe, loving home. I'm teaching my kids about self worth, about boundaries and not teaching them to be in an unhealthy relationship when they are older. So you do have your shit together, you're being the best mum you can be. We can do this!! You'll look back one day and realise it was such a hard thing to do, and you really went through it, but you'll be so proud of yourself and your little humans and how far you have come.

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