I just left my abuser

[Secretsurvivor]

I don’t really know where to start.
when we were together it was a living hell.
he said he never hit me but I had bruises from being pushed and hitting my leg off the living room table.

I have a flinching reflect reaction when someone moves too fast near me or if he is annoyed at me, from him screaming in my face.

He spat at me a lot and destroyed my personal possessions.

He broke 3 phones 1 laptop and ruined my car. But he thinks he did nothing wrong.

I had a black eye but it was my fault and “he didn’t hit me”. It was from a light object he threw at me, pregnant, in a row.

he called me names and he made me feel so low. I was not allowed out for a long time or he would argue with me.

at night time I had to have sex because if I did not he would argue with me for 3 days all while expecting me to have sex with him at the end of the night. I didn’t want to but I had to and so I did it.

I wasn’t allowed out with my friends because he said he didn’t trust me around men he didn’t trust me because he had seen messages to men earlier on in the relationship before we split up which I do understand.

I couldn’t speak to my family when we argued. He made me swear on lives to make sure I was telling the truth that I did not tell anybody.

he needed to know my phone password to monitor who I was talking to, what about and who I was searching on social media. But this wasn’t good enough. He still had suspicions.

he encouraged me to carry an apple AirTag on my keys. I agreed for a civil life but when I took it off it raised his suspicions.

he was watching me through a camera we had left on one night in the front room (the morning after was when he was watching me while he was working) and said he wasn’t watching me. So I turned it off. He went crazy and accused me of turning it off to call somebody. He come home from work and screamed at me calling me a slag.

he would monitor movements through the ring door bell he got installed and when I was leaving he would shout abuse through it.

he told me he was going to cheat on me, often.

he trashed the house and he made me clean it up. He said I “better clean it up” and he often used the terms I would regret it if I did not do as he said but we never found out why I would regret not doing things because I just did them.

he ripped my clothes out of the wardrobe very often and even threw them down the stairs. Stupid me put them back and stayed because I thought it was just a temper.

This man was horrible to me yet I still feel guilty for leaving.

all of this happened and I still sit and question was this really abuse? Did I provoke him to do this like he said I did?? Am I a failure for being in my late 20s back at my mum and dads?

i have lost everything over night but at least I am safe.

I still feel so clouded. Did I deserve these things like he said? Is it all my fault? Was it as bad as I am remembering or am I being dramatic?
what happens now? What are my next moves? At least I am safe though.

I feel so guilty for leaving him because now he has no body. But at least I am safe.

my head is all over the place and I’ve never felt so many mixed emotions in my life. I know this will take time but I just feel so guilty for leaving him. Why?.

@Secretsurvivor none of this was your fault and you are so brave for leaving.

Please be extra careful at the moment and avoid contact with him. Do you share children? I would suggest all communication is through your parents if this is the case. The most dangerous time for a woman is when she leaves an abusive man as he panicks at losing control.

Everything you have described is abuse.

There is no excuse for any of it and you most definitely didn’t do or not do anything that would make it justifiable. He is a bully and a pathetic excuse for a human being for treating you this way.

Im so sorry you were sexually assaulted by him, coercion is not consent.

It sounds like you could really benefit from some counselling to help you work through your emotions. It’s understandable that you are confused, he has warped your sense of reality. As the days go past you will come to see that living in a constant state of fear is not normal, that you are free and can make your own choices and that he can’t hurt you anymore.

No matter what he says

DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM

he is alone because he is feral and doesn’t have the understanding of basic human behaviour. You cannot change him, he will not change, he is not your problem.

You are stronger than you know.

You are definitely NOT a failure, you are a brave, courageous person walking away. I hope your parents are supportive and kind to you. What a disgusting person he sounds, thank goodness you’ve left him.

I can relate and I know the struggle of feeling like you’re in the wrong and you and your behaviour made him do this. The guilt of leaving the want of what you had in the beginning. Contact me on dm anytime. I will be here dor you and I really really understand. No judgement at all from me xxxx

You are amazing getting out! You should be so proud of yourself.

You did not make him do anything. His actions were abusive.

Counselling would be so beneficial for you. You said pregnant, if you are pregnant or little one is under two they will fast track you too.

As pp said, your ex is very dangerous right now as he has lost control and you done the right thing by taking your control back. Make sure you have a charged phone at all times, change your passwords to everything. Possible get a new phone or make sure there are no trackers on it. Be cautious.

Women's Aid are very supportive. Call them, they will have fantastic advice.

Well done again, you are amazing for getting out. You have done the right thing. You have done nothing wrong. Stay strong and stay away from him no matter how much he tried to guilt trip you or how nice he may appear.

Proud of you for leaving, don't go back. He will probably beg, plead and cry, but don't give in. Be strong, move away and make a new and happy life elsewhere. Good luck, none of his behaviour was your fault x

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I have not told my aprwnts any or this. It will upset them. For now I want to keep it to myself unless I can get counselling but the waiting list is far too long :(

@Secretsurvivor i know it’s hard but please do tell someone. I would encourage you to tell your parents so they can support you but also help keep you safe. By keeping his secrets you are letting him retain power over you, secrets lose all their power when they are shared. Your parents probably will be upset, they’ll wish they could have helped you and that you had got out sooner but by sharing you can let them help you now. They will be angry but not at you, you really need people in real life in your corner right now so I urge you to tell someone. Even just some of it if you can’t face telling everything just now. You won’t feel really free of him until you can speak aloud what he did and say that you know it was not ok.

I would suggest contacting Women’s Aid for support on next steps.

Are you definitely safe from him? Can he contact you or your parents? How long ago did you leave? I’m concerned he will show up and without knowing what happened your parents will be sympathetic to him, putting you in danger.

I also found telling my family about the abuse helped me to be responsible and accountable for my decision to leave. I would have been a hypocrite to say out loud all the bad then went back. It was also a blocker to his pleading. I too kept it from my family as I’d knew they’d be upset. It’s more of a help than you know xx

I left emotionally a couple of weeks ago and was planning to leave while he was on holiday on his own tomorrow, however I couldn’t bare it anymore. He said to me for the last time that if I didn’t get out of bed at 5:30/5:45 to discuss things before work he would cause an uproar when he got home. Once he went I jumped out of bed and I packed my things and I had to tell him that day. He came home and he kicked me car numerous times, he snapped my phone and kicked the boxes and it’s my things in. He threw my car key that I could not find until later that evening when he gave it to me (he saw me go back for a box out of the garden and when he come out I was sacred). He said he was going to do jail time over me and made that a promise so I called the police to come round to make sure things did not escalate. He told me getting the police involved would worsen things and said he would cause trouble (bad trouble) with my family if I got the police involved. I did not report him to the police I just thanked them for coming and explained it was to keep anything from escalating. He has now blocked me off everything and I him, he cannot come to my house as I don’t believe he would to be honest. I honestly do not know know his next steps. What he has threatened me with is to get me into debt because he put the tenancy into my name to stop debt collectors coming to the door for his things and he put bills into my name too. He had threatened to ruin my credit file with all of this being unpaid on his half because I have left. I don’t believe that he would do anything further now but honesty I wouldn’t have thought he did half of what he has done at the start. He goes away tomorrow so I am hoping he has cool down time then. Let’s see.

You can get him removed from the house by the police so you can pick up your stuff. I've done it in the past.

He told me that by getting the police involved it would worsen things and would cause I quote “serious shit” between his family and mine. His family are and are known for being really rough. I did not see this when I got involved with this man and by the time I did it went too far

@Secretsurvivor you have done so well to get out but he is extremely unpredictable and volatile. Once he realises that you aren’t coming back there is no telling what he will do. Please tell your parents asap, for your safety as well as theirs.

I don’t know much about exact steps but I think you can put alerts/blocks to stop him taking out credit in your name. If he manages to create debt in your name this could have an impact in your life for years to come, you need to be proactive and ensure he can’t hurt you further. Women’s Aid or citizens advice would be able to advise on what you should do please reach out to them.

It’s not easy but I would encourage you to make a police complaint, he has damaged your property and made clear threats to cause you financial ruin and cause physical harm to you. I would be looking to get some kind of injunction/restraining order against him. Please do not be naive and think that he will just let you go, there is no way of predicting what he might do. I hope he does just walk away but he very well may not. I know it’s not easy but you have to protect yourself.

A police report would also act as evidence for any future partner of his to know he is not a safe person to be with.

Are you still pregnant?

thanks So much. I mean I think he does know now as we are both blocked off contact. We had a child together however needless to say none of this went on infront of the child as I made sure they were somewhere safe (at my mothers) when he went on one or they were in bed. Needless to say he will not be seeing our child. Not easily anyway. He said he doesn’t care about seeing him though he only cares about making my life hard he said.
With having the police involved I do not want things to get worse for me or my family. I just want away from him.
I will stay at my parents to save and once I have done that I’ll be moving and not telling him where we live. I am against keeping children from fathers unless in cases where it is genuinely unsafe. I believe it is unsafe.

@Secretsurvivor i understand your desire to put this behind you and move on and your belief that he has no interest in your child. That may be true but that doesn’t mean he won’t try to hurt you through your child. Without a record of his abusive behaviour he could go down legal routes to gain regular access to your child and you wouldn’t be able to stop him. From my understanding these days 50:50 is the basic expectation, he may not actually want to see your child but can use the child to continue having contact with you and causing you grief. I hope you are right that he will just let you both go but he may not and you need be prepared to protect yourself and your child however you can.

I know this is all still so new and you are no doubt feeling confused about everything. It must be extremely overwhelming but please do speak to your parents and women’s aid. You need practical advice about protecting yourself and you need emotional support for the abuse you have suffered.

@Secretsurvivor hope you are doing ok. Have you managed to tell anyone or reach out for support from Women’s Aid?

Thank you lovely. I am doing good thank you. I feel so much peace and I love it. However that is due to having no contact with him. I am expecting contact early next week after his holiday. Let’s hope not though. I have reached out to a lady I know who has had a similar experience which has really helped. My kids are so happy and settled here now which gives me so much comfort. It’s only been since Monday and the difference in us all is outstanding. Thank you for checking xxx

@Secretsurvivor glad you have spoken to someone in real life. Enjoy your peace, I hope he chooses to leave you and the children alone but abusers don’t like losing control. Stay strong!

Have you done all the practical things like informing in writing the landlord, council, utility bills that you have fled due to domestic violence.

@Secretsurvivor just wanted to check you are doing ok and that your ex hasn’t been causing you too many problems