It’s never too late. Perhaps put a pause on divorce proceedings for now. Have either of you tried individual therapy to help you understand what it is you want?
Are you both still living in the family home? If so would some time apart help you assess what it is you want?
It sounds like the reality of separation has hit you now that you’ve told people. Ending a relationship is always sad, you grieve for the lost future, the shared past and the people you were when you started out. You are still going to have love for the person you’ve shared 20years and have 3 children with but is that love just an affectionate friendship or romantic love?
Do you envision yourself finding a new relationship and moving on or can you still see yourself growing old with your husband? Is your sadness more for the nostalgia and comfort of each other or because deep down you can’t let each other go.
From your description it sounds like you’ve both just decided to give up because it’s too hard. Is that really the case? Or are there actual fundamental issues which have led to this point? Marriages end for a variety of reasons, no one reason is more valid than the other. Life can be hard, children put immense strain on marriages, as do finances, work, parents, hobbies, pets, illness and grief. In a committed marriage you have to work through these things together and hold on to the fundamental truth that you chose each other for a reason. Sometimes you have to put in more effort, especially when other things are thrown at you but ultimately you both have to want it.
Think about the lead up to your wedding and the first year of your marriage, tap in to those emotions. Do you recognise the people that you were? Can you feel the connection they had? Would they understand where you are now? Life changes us and we are shaped by our experiences. You can’t be the same person you were 20years ago but you would hope that you and your husband have grown together. It seems as if at some point you started drifting apart and can’t get back to each other. Perhaps you need to start over, start dating each other, make time for yourselves as a couple, find that connection.
Couples counselling can be very useful for lots of reasons, even if you do proceed with the divorce it can help you work towards amicable separation. You both have to put in the effort though, it needs to be the priority for both of you.
Do not give up on trying to save your marriage (if that’s what you want) because of the unknown reaction from your children. I would refrain from sharing too much with your children if you do decide to work on reconciliation. They don’t need the hope of things returning to normal if it eventually doesn’t work out but that doesn’t mean giving up on your marriage just to avoid hurting them.