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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

How to co-parent when you loathe your ex

4 replies

MumofLandD · 17/06/2024 17:53

I'm so done hating him but I am still so full of resentment and anger at him.
We separated 2.5 years ago after 25 years. Don't want to drip feed so a quick run through-
I went to therapy during lockdown as we really weren't getting on at all and I wanted to learn to communicate better so I could get my point across to him about feeling under appreciated constantly. My therapist slowly.mafe me work out I'd been in an emotionally abusive relationship for many years and after a particularly horrible evening where he called me all the names under the sun in front of our children I asked him to leave. He slept on the sofa for 17 months (!) until one day I came home and from work and he had packed up half the house and walked out.
We share the kids 50/50 (DS13,DD10) and for the most part they have been OK. They are both very loyal to each of us.
But I really have issues with some of his parenting, always dropping the kids 10 mins later than agreed, lack of communication about any issues, feeding them takeaways most of the time, not doing or checking they've done homework so it's all down to me, no limit on screen time, very late nights.
I can't really say anything because he can do what he wants when it's his time and its not anything actually harmful. If I said anything I know he would twist it round and do the gaslighting so it's not worth the stress but it really irks me.
I guess I'm still so so angry at him for the way he treated me for years and now I live hand to mouth, have lost friends and have no trust in men at all whereas he earns loads more than me and has his supportive family friends near by.
Tips to get over the anger so I can co parent effectively? X

OP posts:
Elektra1 · 17/06/2024 20:29

Get therapy for the anger. Let all the takeaways/poor parenting choices go. Nothing you can do about that. But don't let your anger eat you up and stop you from moving on.

NorthernSpirit · 17/06/2024 22:07

I say this with kindness….

Get some help to let go of the anger.

You say yourself you are full of anger & resentment. This will eat away at you and the kids will be picking up on it - if it carries on it could cause a loyalty bind.

What he does in his time you have no control over (like he has no control over your time). He’s 10 mins late dropping the kids back…. It’s no big deal. They eat takeaways? No big deal. It’s a big deal as you are angry with him and need a reason to fuel your anger fire.

I say this as a woman now married to a man with a very angry and toxic EW. They have been divorced over 12 years and the anger is the same as it was when I met him over 8 years ago. It’s eaten away at her, she hasn’t moved in and the people who have suffered are the children and her.

Good luck.

ShySharks · 17/06/2024 23:02

As your children are 10 & 13 I believe that within 3 years you probably won’t be dealing with him half as much as you are right now as your children will become more independent. Things that are bugging you now will be a distant memory. They will possibly be dictating the contact schedule more as they will both be in high school. Focus on the future. You are nearly there.

MumofLandD · 18/06/2024 09:07

Thanks all
I absolutely agree that I need to let go.of the anger. I guess I'm half way there by admitting it.
Much as I can't bear to look at him I don't want my children to suffer and I do my best to hide my feelings from them I guess they can see it.

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