I'm sitting here wondering when this will all end.
Backstory. I always wanted the happy family and doing things as a unit on the weekends. Once baby 1 came along I seen a side that wasn't great. Not once was he up in the night (OK whilst on mat leave not so great once I got back to work), he never really did anything else either. Anger rising when baby wasn't settling (colic) and avoiding coming home, the anger didn't stop as the kids got older, he was very aggressive in his mannerisms and shouting, swearing at me and calling me names, punching/throwing things when angry (few times early on but got more toward the end of the relationship). Taking to working weekends as he was self employed and going out with friends instead of being with us (every weekend not just once a month etc). We muddled through and it got better. Then we got married and baby no2 came along.
Whilst I was pregnant I found out that he was having an affair. It carried on for a while through a couple of instances (stupid for staying I know) and things just never got better.
He wouldn't do counselling, he did share his location with me for a couple months but then it was a case of "it feels like I'm always being watched". I didn't feel security within the relationship, he barely wanted to do anything with the family or me. When baby2 was born I stayed at home for 18 months or so to avoid childcare bills. In that time I wasn't really spending any money as we only had his income and whenever he looked at the credit card bill he would question why it was so high, bearing in mind he put the majority of stuff on it, I would just put food shopping on or days out with the children. Cut a long story short, he started acting odd again so I asked to look at his phone and he blew up. He then started staying out at "friends" houses over night, still out every weekend and as it got closer to him moving out he had gifts being brought for him, brought things for his new place that made me think there was some one else (wine glasses, he never drank wine in the house unless we were doing a date night or relaxing with each other early on in the relationship). I heard him on the phone telling someone that they only had to wait until the following month. He also went to the new girl friends families house on Christmas day evening instead of being with us.
Now he's moved out and he has a new girlfriend. He introduced the kids straight away (without speaking to me). The eldest doesn't like her, thinks he's trying to replace me (child's words not mine). The youngest is sad daddy has moved out but is too young to understand the dynamic of him being in a new relationship and how quickly it happened (apparently she has been there every weekend that he has had them) they have been on a very pricey holiday together. He takes her kid out with my 2 and without her giving her free time. He doesn't go out with his friends and never goes to the gym any more.
I always asked for him to be with us, to come out with us, to take the kids so I can have a break, to be a family and show me he loved me.
Once he moved out he started messaging telling me he loved me and that it was always me. We just needed to have a bit of time apart and see how we go, he always used the pretense of we van have a few months apart and reasses our situation once he has had some breathing space. He uses the maintenance money as leverage to get his own way. If I don't do what he wants he threatens reducing it. Then on another day he will ask if I need more as he has noticed the kids have new school shoes and trainers.
I hate the fact that he has moved on so quick, I did everything whilst with him, pumped my savings into the house very early on to ensure he could get his business up and running. Did everything around the house and for the kids and him, making sure he had food for work and that he never had to worry about a single thing other than work.
I suppose my question is, when does it get easier? Am I always going to feel like this? I feel like I am angry all the time. I'm quick to tell the kids off and shout very easily. I'm exhausted and defeated. I'm constantly feeling down and can't seem to get myself out of my own head space. I cant seem to enjoy my time with the kids. Why wasn't I enough. Why can't I stop feeling this way. Why... just why?