Advice for telling young kids about separation

[finallyaskedfordivorce]

Apologies if this gets too long.

2 weeks ago I finally told dh I want a divorce.

It's been a long time coming (from my perspective at least) but there was a "final straw" incident and I snapped. Married nearly 19 years, 4 kids (1 adult DS, 1 teen DS and 2 Younger kids 8 and 6).

He's been living with his parents for the last 2 weeks. They have been on holiday for the last week.

He's been picking up the younger 2 here and there and spending time with them. They've been under the impression he is house sitting for the grandparents while on holiday. The older 2 are fully aware of the situation (and supportive of my decision and actually neither of them are talking to him right now).

Earlier today he dropped them off after spending the afternoon with them and he told me I need to fill the younger 2 in as they are starting to ask questions he can't answer (I hadn't spelled things out to them before now as he had asked me not to). He said to be sure I tell them it's entirely my doing that he is no longer living with us as he didn't want to separate, this is all my doing and he wants them to know that 🙄

So now I need advice on how to tell the younger kids, diplomatically, that daddy is no longer living with us without making myself sound like the big bad wolf.......I'm worried now that he's going to start filling their heads with poison against me 😞

I explained to my 5 year old (and two year old) that mummy and daddy argue/ disagree alot and we want them to grow up with a happy mummy and a happy daddy, and sometimes parents living in two homes is the best thing for everyone. I said that we love them both very much and they have done nothing wrong. I said that when my 5 year old has a friend and they aren't getting along, does he continue trying to play with him or walk away and play something else? Right, so mummy and daddy aren't getting along but it's been going on a while so we have now had to make the adult decision to live in different homes.

I had bought two books from amazon about parents splitting up, children having two homes, and we read them fairly frequently at the beginning and now at the 6 month mark they come out at least once a fortnight, or whenever the topic comes about. Make sure you leave time after the books for lots of questions and time to talk about feelings. We've had to work a lot on feelings and how to describe how our body feels when we are sad, frustrated, angry, etc, and the reason why we are angry or grumpy. We also talk about no secrets ever from mummy, you can tell me anything and I won't be angry I will want to listen and sometimes help, if needed. And expect some clinginess, lots of affection and reassurance.

Also, I have no idea if any of this is right. I work with teens, so divorce conversations with that age group are far more direct. This is above and beyond harder! I wish you luck.

What books did you get? Looking for recommendations for a 3 and 7 year old

i think you should tell them together and he needs to put his feelings to one side for that conversation and focus on what’s best for the kids. They need to see that he’s giving the same explanation and reassurance as you. Maybe you need to help heal the tension between your older 2 and him though? He might totally deserve the silent treatment from them, but I think you need to model to him how you want him to manage this situation. He might think you’ve filled their heads with poison against him?

These two, they have covered what I needed to far.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Two-Homes-Filled-Love-Separation/dp/1649160569/ref=mp_s_a_1_1_sspa?crid=1J9T5DZ90ESI2&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.71J21U-iWcd_edDJ3s-1Um-2lL-HtwiCkfJk4c6zaeUJCaR_GuqdCeQTr7fsbBGb_zyVJRVwZtbsVFBe91i81glmfwO5tri_osYBBzxmdlBRKOUor29vHPhzmBLH2on4farLUSsQod4sE8lyshsiNXayYlvzfgbIGPdcDM7yML8TEPKvdn03WIXuWfX67ANLs6bDADPQB85qQuYBeOyWxQ.n8qVW-_gYYnpmcQzOCMClC-G3r8gNMeAlXlgiUarQPc&dib_tag=se&keywords=Books+about+divorce+for+children&qid=1718602050&sprefix=books+about+divorce+for+children%2Caps%2C147&sr=8-1-spons&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9waG9uZV9zZWFyY2hfYXRm&psc=1

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Mum-Dad-Two-Homes/dp/1406341762/ref=mp_s_a_1_12?crid=1J9T5DZ90ESI2&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.71J21U-iWcd_edDJ3s-1Um-2lL-HtwiCkfJk4c6zaeUJCaR_GuqdCeQTr7fsbBGb_zyVJRVwZtbsVFBe91i81glmfwO5tri_osYBBzxmdlBRKOUor29vHPhzmBLH2on4farLUSsQod4sE8lyshsiNXayYlvzfgbIGPdcDM7yML8TEPKvdn03WIXuWfX67ANLs6bDADPQB85qQuYBeOyWxQ.n8qVW-_gYYnpmcQzOCMClC-G3r8gNMeAlXlgiUarQPc&dib_tag=se&keywords=Books+about+divorce+for+children&qid=1718602129&sprefix=books+about+divorce+for+children%2Caps%2C147&sr=8-12

Thanks for responses folks.

I agree it would be better to tell them together but he's refusing to participate and insisting I tell them since it's me that wants to separate.

I kind of understand that he doesn't want the kids to think he's choosing to not be here with them, but at the same time.......it's not as if this was my top choice either. I've been trying to stick it out with him for years (for the kids 🙄) but My mental health just can't take living with him anymore.

I have been trying to encourage the older boys to engage but they're not ready yet.

Think I'm going to try and talk to them tonight 😞

I'm so sorry your ex is not engaging with telling them together. However you tell them, will be right OP. Try and keep it short, with lots of reassurance. I'd give their school a heads up as well - they can keep an eye on them there then as well.