Why can't I leave him?

[Maddiemoo4]

Married for 15 years, kids house the lot.
He's just so angry, not all the time but a fair amount of it. Hes jealous and to a degree quite controlling, throws things, screams at me to the point I run out the back door, has hit me numerous times, but when he's good he's amazing, always sorry and apologetic, loving, happy affectionate, I'm not stupid I know it's not normal or OK but I love him and I'm not entirely sure why anymore, is it the amount of time we've been together? We do have children also, not that they witness this, is it because I have no other family around? Or Is it normal to feel like that? Sorry for waffling

Because you hope he will change, but he won’t, and you’ll look back in 10 years wondering why you didn’t leave sooner.

He won't change. And your kids might not witness it, but they'll hear it and they'll notice the atmosphere, kids pick up on a lot more than we give them credit for. You are currently demonstrating that this type of behaviour in a relationship is acceptable which it most definitely is not, you deserve better. Would you be happy for your child to be in your relationship? Of course not. So. But the bullet. A happy parent who feels safe is best for you and the children.

Sometimes "love" is really more like fear or trauma bonding or even just habit.