Child not wanting to stay at Dads

[StrawberrySquirrelThief]

As the title says really. We’ve been separated around a year and he has been living in his own house since December. DC hasn’t been happy about staying over but we’d come to a compromise that they only have to sleep every other weekend.
ExH and I have limited communication and he isn’t open to sitting down and discussing their issues.

Tonight DC has presented me with a (very) long list of reasons why they’re unhappy with the situation and honestly I don’t know what to do. Do I send this list to the ex? Do I still make them go? They’re nearly 13. I hate confrontation and he’ll just be so dismissive of the list. He’s not an awful man he’s a really good dad.

Could the 3 of you possibly sit down and go through the list together? That way hopefully dad won't kick off as your DC is there. If you think he would though then maybe just give him the list the next time you collect/he drops off DC and give him time to look through it and then discuss it without it becoming an argument. With your DC's age if dad was to take it to court for example your DC would be listened to so if they really refuse to stay over then I wouldn't push it if you don't have to x

I would send him the list.

I do think it's unfair to force them to stay if they are so unhappy.

Compromise in the mean time, spend the day with him and drop off after dinner?
Or is being there in general upsetting them?

What are the reasons?

At 13 it should definitely be the child's choice. I would leave it to them, and encourage them to maybe spend a week during holidays sometimes rather than frequent shorter stays.

So the reasons ranged from minor things like not liking the decor to stuff about my exh treatment of me, the relationship with their sibling deteriorating etc

I sent them to him but haven’t heard a peep - not even an acknowledgment. Unfortunately he won’t speak to me and seems to blame me for everything even though he was the one to initiate the split. It’s all very tiring.

My son is 13 and refuses to go anymore, I won't force it as he's old enough to make his own mind up. The house is a tip, he treated me appallingly and my son has no time for him. He was very much an absent father so the boys know no different in terms of it being just us. My younger one goes eow and seems happy enough.. he's often left in the house alone while my exH goes off to play golf, works up at the office etc - it's wearing thin.. I doubt it will be long before he also gives up! We go over for the odd bbq and I try to keep the peace but my eldest is adamant he's not staying there. Unfortunately at that age they can make their own decisions pretty much, I'd be careful not to force it as it's likely to cause more damage. It's sad but as they grow older they become more aware of the split and reason for it 😐 I refuse to sugar coat it so dad of the year can be seen to be having a relationship with their child. You reap what you sow.

I won't be ever forcing my children to stay over at their dads no matter what their age. If they don't want to go then they don't. Although complaining about the decor sounds a bit silly and isn't a very good reason to be honest if you have to give one.

Maybe suggest he just goes for the day for a while. If he's 13 he can use public transport on his own if that helps

Seems they are just saying anything to not go

At 13, he can decide for himself, and doesn't really have to give reasons (although he has given other reasons than not liking the decor)

A judge in the UK wouldn’t make a 12 year old go.

I wouldn’t hesitate to tell my child that they are being unreasonable about decor though. Not unreasonable to have an opinion on cleanliness but decor is a silly reason to put on the list.

I would have sent the list so dad had an opportunity to work on reasonable complaints.

At 13, he can decide for himself, and doesn't really have to give reasons (although he has given other reasons than not liking the decor)

I know that, and agree, but I took him mentioning decor was just an excuse. Pp seemed to think it was literal (which it might be)

Thanks all. As I said in my post the complaints range from minor stuff about the decor - which I have told them is not a reason to not go, to other things such as the impact it’s having on my DCs relationship with their sibling.

The DC that doesn’t want to go also refuses to talk to their Dad very much at all and will (so their sibling tells me) leave the room if it is just the DC & Dad.

I have suggested counselling for the two of them and have sent the list but feel the ball is very much in ExH court when it comes to repairing their relationship as there is only so much I can do.

Why is going there affecting his sibling relationship?

How do the kids know about how ex treated you? You are probably ok with age 13 as their wishes will be considered if ex takes you to court but I can imagine you could b accused of parental alienation by telling them stuff they shouldn't know. If they actually witnessed it themselves then ignore what I just said.

I would send ex an email and suggest doing just day visits either a whole day or half day with the intention to build up as child becomes more comfortable. You need to cover your back in case you get accused of blocking contact. I know it's different with older kids but I had that thrown at me in family court when my child was trying not to go and I met women in the freedom program with teens forced to go because the judge decided they had turned the child against dad by telling them of the abuse. You need evidence you are trying to encourage contact. And you tell your child you encourage them to go discuss ways you can make it easier/better when going but make it very clear you would never force them if they feel strongly so as not to ruin your own relationship with your child.

They think it affects their relationship as they argue more. The DC who doesn’t want to go is angry & upset at their Dad and makes this clear to their sibling who gets upset with this and it causes arguments. I’ve spoken with each of them about it and talked about how everyone deals with their emotions at a different pace and just because one of them is fine with the situation doesn’t mean the other is yet.

ExH was very dismissive and angry with me in the last year or so of our marriage and I think DC picked up on this and this is what they mean by not liking how he treats me.

I am encouraging DC to go and to try to make the best of it, and to try and make the new house feel like their home but they are strong willed.

" I am encouraging DC to go and to try to make the best of it, and to try and make the new house feel like their home but they are strong willed. "

I think that's all you can do tbh, hopefully your ex will take note about the list of reasons and be a bit more understanding to them, it must be horrible to see your father treat your mother so poorly, he can't expect a child to ignore that.