50/50 Help | Mumsnet

BH701 · 2024-06-13T09:22:30+00:00

Hi, Me & my partner have just separated, my daughter is 2 & he wants her 50/50. I do not want this, his suggestion isnt ideal. He would like Monday night (she's at my mums during the day) Tuesday - daughter would stay with him at his mums (in his room) & then be at his mums Tuesday day. Then he wants her Wednesday night & 1 day/night on the weekend He's self employed, will never want to take a day off when she's sick or we have childcare issues - I have always managed this. I'm worried that he'll just get family members & friends to do the running around and have her when she's sick. I think she needs her mum, I'm more than happy for him to have her over night during the week, the 1 day/night every weekend. He has a son from a previous relationship & only has him every other weekend with no nights. He's currently at his mums, living there so she'd be in his room until he rents somewhere. I own my own house and she has her own room - does this help at all? I think he just wants it this way for money reasons, and not that it would be in her best interest. What can I do? Please help.

Olivebrancholivia · 13/06/2024 10:31

Imagine he suggested to you that you have her one night at the weekend. You'd be quite rightly outraged. He's 50 percent her parent. You're thinking of you. Just add the caveat that if she's sick and he won't take the day off then she comes back to you that day until he's home, if you'd prefer as I agree kids need their parents when unwell.

Mrsttcno1 · 13/06/2024 10:33

The starting point is 50/50, and you can then both argue your case for anything different. Unfortunately as much as you may not like it, he can do what he wants during “his” time just like you can during your time, so if that means asking his mum to watch her until he finishes work then he is able to do that. It is a difficult situation but you are both her parents and have parental responsibility (I assume he is on birth certificate?). As previous poster said, how would you feel if he said you could just have 1 night? I know it’s difficult but you are both her parents, and you don’t have any more right to her than he does.

Original poster

BH701 · 13/06/2024 10:38

I'm suggesting 2 nights and 2 days, I think thats a good amount but my worry is that he's not very hands on, doesnt wake for her during the night (insanely heavy sleeper) and wont want time off.

OP posts:

SonicTheHodgeheg · 13/06/2024 10:44

*He would like Monday night (she's at my mums during the day)
Tuesday - daughter would stay with him at his mums (in his room) & then be at his mums Tuesday day.
Then he wants her Wednesday night & 1 day/night on the weekend

He's self employed, will never want to take a day off when she's sick or we have childcare issues - I have always managed this.*

He can’t ask for 50/50 and not cover sickness and childcare during the day.

I think that Monday - he picks dd up from your mum at a child friendly time and Tuesday his mum looks after her is fine.

The other days sound more problematic because it sounds like he doesn’t have childcare during the day and just wants to pick dd up at night eg Wednesday. He needs childcare paid or family for 50/50

He would not be punished for using family as childcare in the same way that you would be for using your family or a nursery as childcare. Dd spending time with his side of the family would be seen as a good thing in court.

I would take this to court and make sure that he is responsible for sickness on his days. Eg If his mum is sick or busy on a Tuesday, he must organise an alternative.

Is he likely to move out of his mum’s house ? You know her personally- is her offer of childcare likely to be successful or do you think it’s under duress? If she’s likely to be flaky, not well etc then it’s highly likely that your ex will be going back on this arrangement.

Greatmate · 13/06/2024 10:46

I don't think he's being unreasonable. I think 2 nights mid week and 1 night over the weekend is okay. He isn't a stranger. He's her dad. If he's not a hands on dad and he's at his mum's I'd take comfort in the fact that you know his mum will step in.

You could suggest building up to the time he wants. So maybe start with day contact and see how that goes. Then add an over night 1 night. Then 2 over nights say 1 mid week and 1 at the weekend. Then 2 night mid week together and 1 at the weekend. Just to ease DC into it.

SpringCalling · 13/06/2024 10:47

As others have said, you don't have a say on how he arranges his time with her. However you could come to an agreement that eg if DD is ill, or the parent cannot look after them for whatever reason, the other parent has first call in looking after DD.
I would look at this more long-term: she's young now so you could have an agreement for until she starts school, and after she starts. So eg your suggestion lasts until she starts school, then 50/50 kicks in. So that he sees there is progression.

Original poster

BH701 · 13/06/2024 10:48

Hi,

Yes I've suggested starting at 2, and then go to 3 but I agree 2 nights together in the week would work a lot better than 2 here and there.

Thank you

OP posts:

SonicTheHodgeheg · 13/06/2024 10:48

Does your ex’s mum live near you? 50/50 for a school aged child will only work if dad lives locally because you can’t enroll kids at 2 schools etc and you’ll end up in court debating which address to use for school applications.

For now, it sounds like Monday night and a weekend night would work well (assuming that he doesn’t work weekends)

Olivebrancholivia · 13/06/2024 11:38

He's asking for 3 nights...so a sort of 40/60 split. It's not unreasonable.
I think you're being selfish.
Having two very involved loving parents is important, if he is not hands on, this will force him to.
Imagine only having your child 2 nights a week. It's painful! He will feel the same

Original poster

BH701 · 13/06/2024 12:16