Anybody moved out of the home (mortgage) and stopped paying towards it?

[Baffers100]

I know this is mad but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Back story- met at 15, married at 24. Grown apart hugely. Raped after our first child was born (by him) and then largely left alone. Put two children have totally been my responsibility. He's not hands on at all. Both work, but I do everything else round the house and pay for all the holidays etc.

I said I wanted a divorce October 2022. We tried mediating and got nowhere. We have a court date for FDA but guess what he's not ready. Now looking to either have a private FDR or a new court date, likely just before Xmas.

I can't stand the thought of a third Xmas in this house. I sleep in the spare room and feel like this place is my prison.

If he doesn't agree to a FDR and I'm looking at a November court date can I just move out and stop paying towards this place?

I can't afford to pay for here and my own place even if it's just a 2 bed. I know if I do pudding towards the mortgage we can default but I'm just so desperate to get out. What can I do? I can't get a a council house as I technically have a house and earn above the threshold.

Yes technically you could just abandon the house. The mortgage company don't care which of you pays, as long as it's paid. You do however run the risk of ex also not paying the mortgage, it defaulting, then you'll be in a world of bother with it getting repossessed and your credit being affected.

It'd be wise to have a conversation about you moving out before you just abandon the property. If he can't afford to cover the mortgage alone, then I really wouldn't advise moving out. Is there any way you could afford to buy him out? Would he consider removing himself from the deeds as part of the settlement and you take over the mortgage? If neither of those are possible then I'd do my best to hang in there and go down the traditional route of selling the house as part of the divorce and splitting the proceeds to both move on.

Defaulting on your mortgage is going to ruin your credit score and you don’t want that making renting more difficult for you. There’s lots of stories on here about lazy/difficult exes living in the formal marital home for years while the house is on the market.

Do you think you can convince him that putting the house on the market is a good idea? For example does he live near your family and would rather near his friends and family ? He might prefer to live the single life properly and go out etc If he has family who would take him in then having more spare cash to go out would probably be a big incentive for him. The big catch is that I’m assuming that he would agree to a fair split like 50/50 of the house equity. If there’s enough house equity then he can do what those selfish exes do and blow through their money having fun in their new location.

He doesn't want to leave the house and as far as he is concerned he's staying in it. This is motivated by money. We both contribute £1000 per month which more than covers the mortgage, council tax, bills, subscriptions (netflix etc). We have a 4 bed detached. In our area a 3 bed house will be around £1,700 pcm renting, or about £375k+ to buy (assuming a terrace) which he doesn't have the mortgage capacity for.

We have a big mortgage and owe £300k on it, so I can't afford to buy him out. His parents are affluent and can afford to pay me some of the equity so I can vacate but he's properly struggling to get our mortgage provider to replace me on the mortgage with his parents (mortgage company refused due to their ages) or his younger brother (conversations here apparently have been going on for weeks).

He is aware he can look at other mortgage providers but hasn't really properly pressed on with this (takes effort which isn't his forte). This does mean we incurr around £14k early disbursements fees but there's 2 years left on the mortgage and staying here that long really isn't an option.

I think the other issue aside from the current arrangement working best for him financially is he's carrying on pretty much as usual. It's me who is sleeping in the spare room and wanting my own place and some space, and wants to move on. It's me also worried about the kids picking up on all the nasty tension and negative energy too :(

It sounds like he won’t want to mess up his own credit rating and he can get lodgers into spare room(s) to help with costs. Assuming the children are with you you would also get CM. Put the figures into a benefit calculator to see if you would get help with rent via UC. You can sometimes get UC for a period while a divorce is pending but would then obviously lose it once you got the equity out of the house.

You just need to agree to sell unless hi parents stump up enough to buy you out and reduce the mortgage to an amount they mortgage company is prepared to lend to him. It's time to push the issue if you want your share and get out of there.

Can’t you apply to court to force him to settle the finances / sell the house?

I've done this. He was never moving out, it was toxic and I couldn't have the kids living like that anymore. I moved in with my mum, kids came too. I stopped paying the mortgage. The mortgage company don't care who pays, and my solicitor was the one who advised me to do this. We did offer for him to pay occupational rent and he declined. The only problem is, as others have stated, if he doesn't pay then it ruins your credit rating. I know my ex has no family or friends nearby and wouldn't ruin his own credit rating to just get at me so it worked in my favour. He did though change the repayment mortgage to a interest only mortgage without informing me and changed it to be paid directly from his own account. So I have the app and check it every month to make sure the payment has been made.
Universal credit will support with rent. You show them evidence that you are trying to sell the jointly owned him, I gave the valuations from 3 estate agents. They usually give you six months, then you need to show you're pushing the issue with solicitors/court order. Once you have your money from the sale of the house you have 6months to use it to buy your own place of UC stops because you have too much in savings.
I would suggest make a UC application ASAP as it does take time, look at the child maintenance calculator and getting your finances organised. Then don't tell him a thing until you have already removed all of your important belongings like birth certificates, photos of all important paperwork, the kids things. Get everything out before you tell him you are leaving. Because I left with just a few bits and he has used my possessions against me repeatedly since.
Wishing you luck

I did this in very similar circumstances to you. It wasn't ideal as of course he stopped paying the mortgage so it fell into arrears but refused to put the house on the market. I had to get a court order in the end for it to be sold so obviously my credit record was affected.

Ultimately though, it was the right thing for me and my children. You should be able to get UC to help you pay your rent elsewhere where you can live your life in peace. Credit records can be repaired in time, it takes a lot longer to heal from the emotional scars of an abusive relationship.

We are waiting to see if he agrees to a private FDR. If not it will be a court date late this year which will be the point I need to look at other options.

We've always discussed doing 50/50 with the kids. He's a pretty crap father tbh but the kids need him. (Doesn't put them to bed, more their friend than worrying about them being clean and brushing their teeth, allows crap table manners just do he doesn't have to parent, doesn't get them lunch ...ever, doesn't really cook balanced meals, more a takeaway guy. Doesn't spend quality time with his daughter, just sits gaming with his son!)

I didn't think I'd get universal credit because I thought there were salary thresholds etc so will definitely look in to this. Thanks.

I'm in a similar situation to the OP and wondered if you knew how to go about this? Do I have to go via a solicitor? I've run up such high debts getting legal advice I'm a bit stuck. Can I do this by myself? Do I have to pay to apply to the court for this? Thank you!

Can you not just sell your half of the house to someone else? That's what I'd threaten to do tbh.... he would then have a mortgage and rent. I don't know I'd you can do it but if you can I'd be contacting some house buyers

Sorry to hear you had to go through this.

Could I ask how long it took for the court order to be approved? Did you apply to court by yourself or via a solicitor? Did you have to pay to apply to the court?

I moved out 14 months ago, asked ex to put it on the market, he refused saying he could afford it. I applied for CM 2 months ago and now ex has stopped paying the mortgage. We are going to get bad credit but he doesn't care because he has money from his family to pay off the mortgage and buy me out (so won't need a mortgage or to rent) but I'm not accepting his unfair out of court offer. I really need the court to force him to sell as I can't afford to pay my rent as well as his mortgage. It's a nightmare!

You can apply yourself without a solicitor. You need to complete a Form A and submit to court and pay the £250 odd charge. It’s a slow process so if you apply now, it will be months before your case is seen at court. But still, at least you know there will be a definite date to conclude matters. The first step after submitting to court is providing a Form E to each other / court. Again you can do this yourself. Once you have your ex’s Form E, definitely worth seeking 1-2 hours of one off legal advice so see what is a fair settlement.

I have done. We have a court date for June but he's postponed and said we cannot use this as a FDR as he's not ready. Next court date will likely be the end of this year. I am now trying to apply for a private FDR but he doesn't have to negotiate and can hold out until November.

I applied to court via a solicitor. You have to have proof of mediating to apply to court so we flagged that dead horse for a good 18 months and got nowhere, spending thousands in the process, then I asked my solicitor to get things moving as I'm struggling being in this house.

We are due our final financial hearing in September so I suppose I should just wait until then instead of applying separately? The judge will be able to rule to put the house on the market then I suppose? Ex is currently residing in the house, I'm renting elsewhere, he won't pay the mortgage (not even half with me). I'm in the process of speaking to a mortgage advisor to see what I can borrow. If I pay the mortgage (for the house he resides in alone) as well as my own rent elsewhere until the hearing do you think there's a possibility that the court may allow me to stay there and force him out? Considering he's not paying the mortgage and unwilling to even pay half? I'm totally stuck between a rock and a hard place.

How parties can just postpone and force us to hold out is beyond me. Surely you can still use the date in June to decide the house even if the FDR is months away?

If we attend in June it will just be a FDA whoch seems to be a tick box exercise. We can't use it as a FDR as the other side have filed their form to say they are not ready to use the FDA meeting as a FDR so I'm pretty much stuck.

If we attend and they aren't willing to negotiate then it's another court appearance and another £4,500!

Gosh! Another £4,500? Why so expensive?

Surely the other side have to give valid reasons why they are not ready?

He doesn't have a way to buy me out yet and if he arrives to court like this the judge will likely order the house to be sold which he doesn't want. That's the court cost with solicitor representation and for the associated paperwork and emails etc.

Oh sorry - I didn’t see you’re already going through court. Yes the judge should definitely be able to make a ruling about the house sale.