Heading for Divorce

[Newhere123]

Hello

my husband and I have been married since Jan 2015 and have two young children (6 and 3) who are the centre of my life.

I have decided to divorce my husband, it has been a long time coming, over so many gaps in our relationships, different mentalities, upbringing, personalities etc. I have completely fallen out of love for him and feel that I have checked out of the marriage. I should say that over the last five years, there were sadly five incidents of physical violence, two of which happened whilst I was pregnant and one of which I called the police, he was arrested (caution only) and reported to CPS.

I am very much the main carer for the children, they are heavily relying on me (and me on them really) for everything and especially emotionally. Me and them are one unit and I don’t think my husband will dispute this, unless our divorce will trigger something in him.

We live in a house which he put deposit on, however I contributed to the large extension we did to it. He did the house up beautifully but unfortunately destroyed our marriage along the way. We both work full time and earn similarly. Our housing needs, when we separate will be the same as well, as we will need two 3-bed houses.

I am constantly debating if to take action now or wait for another year until my younger one is finished with nursery as the fees are so high, a second mortgage essentially. Waiting will mean that financially I will be better off.

I don’t even know where to start. I really want to be free from this marriage. I want for me and my husband to be happier.

Can anyone share some information/experience when it comes to the financial bit?

thabk you 🙏🏻

I'd wait, he's under no obligation to pay any nursery fees and you could get landed with them all, length of marriage is still classed as long anyway at this point.

Do you have any debts? If yes, prioritise paying them off. Extra off credit cards and loans.

Caveated that if you think he will run more debt up, or cause issues then escape now.

Do you think he’ll be interested in seeing the kids when you split ?
Can you see him taking them on 50/50?
If so, you may need 2 x3 bed houses

If you’re gong to be looking after them full time then he’d only need a one bed flat for himself.

Everything has to be valued first … all assets including house, savings, pensions, investments etc

You should find out as much about his assets before you mention divorce to him. So he doesn’t get a chance to hide assets.
As they say on MN, “ get your ducks in a row”!

Also speak to a lawyer.Many do a free initial consultation. Find out as much as you can first and don’t tell him until you’re ready. Knowledge is power !

Regarding nursery fees, ask about this when you see a lawyer. It should all be part of the financial agreement and should be taken account of.

Fo example, to take into account his share going forward, you get X amount more as he probably won’t pay once you’ve split.

Thanks everyone for your responsive. From conversations I have had with him I don’t believe he has much in savings. A small wokplace pension he is paying into and small stocks investments, not of great value.

i do think he would want to have 50/50 but realistically it might be 60/40 or even 70/30 towards me. Simply because I have far more flexibility with work around childcare for the kids.

I have had a meeting with a solicitor today and got some generic advice. Key is to figure out how we agree on things. Reality is neither of us have much extra income to allow for an additional expense such as rent or mortgage, say we split the home now. I am aware that there are benefits I can claim for as a single mum of two, something I never thought I would have to consider as I have always worked and supported myself (with help of parents, through uni, accommodation etc) since I was 15. But here we are. And main thing for me is to make sure me and the kids, being the one unit that we are, will not struggle financially.

Wouldn’t be surprised if after all this time not bothering his arse to spend time with his kids, he’ll suddenly say he wants 50/50.
This is often used as a control tactic to put women off the idea of separation.

You could call his bluff and agree, delightedly, saying how lovely it would be for him and the kids, while allowing you to progress your career and have proper “me time”!

I think it would be too much like hard work for him to go through with it tbh.

I don’t think he will be able to have the kids 50% of the time, or certainly not more than that, his work is not flexible at all. He loves them a lot, but I don’t think he will be able to make it work. On a personal note, I think it will be quite difficult and unstable for them to move the kids around between places like that. I can demonstrate easily how much time I spend with them and how much I do for them. Drop off every morning, sick days, school holidays, doctor appointments, school and nursery activities, school volunteering, playdates, birthday parties.. all me. And I wouldn’t change it, I love being there for the kids, just saying that this is the structure the kids are used to.

My husband and I have had a few talks over the last few days and I made things clear to him. He knows I am not happy and that I can’t bounce back from how I feel about things that happened over the years. I mentioned the nursery fees finishing next July and that we should see where we stand then. I think he is taking this as a trial period, trying hard to be better and more at ease (he is quite a strict person) whereas for me- I have so checked out of this marriage. I don’t see how we get pass this and just want to separate.

any advice what to do?

Thank you 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

Good chance he will go for 50/50 childcare as if he doesn’t he will realise that he has to pay you child maintenance. From what you have said about his character he won’t like having to ‘pay you’ as most dads will see it.
Be careful, if he’s strict and controlling he’s not going to be easy to co parent with or divorce.
However for your sanity you need to get out and start your own life if he’s making you that unhappy.
Also be very cautious of solicitors, they will take as much money as they can from you. You can do most of the divorce paperwork yourself and find the information on sites like wikkivorce.
Speaking from my recent experience!

I really don’t think he will be able to have the kids 50/50. He has to leave for work 2.5 hours before they need to be dropped off. He will have to make drastic changes which I don’t believe he can do.

What are my chances of keeping the house and live with kids until they are older? I will take over the mortgage. Living in a house that he has done up, wouldn’t be my first choice. I always felt that if we do break up, he should live in the house. But if the kids are with me mostly and will need to find another house of the same size (3 bed), he will need to give me more of the equity- is that right?

Your housing is the sane
tiu are making assumptions about if he can /cabt , will or won’t have 50:50. You may find he changes jobs or work pattern - contrary to what’s spouted in here that does happen ( of course it’s possible he won’t as well)

even so he needs a house suitable to have children 40-40% of tine - ie not a tiny one bed flat

you earn similar. Its likely to be a 50:50 split if assets or near there based on the limited info here.

you you want to stay in the house you’ll need to buy him out and rehearse his equity as well as take over the mortgage. Can you do that? I’m not sure why you think he’d need to give you more if the equity. He might depending on your overall asset split but based on what you say here possibly not.

a mesher ( where his share of equity is deferred) is unlikely.

how much equity is there and what are both your earnings ?

Ah so many typos.

release his equity not rehearse. Basically if you want to stay in the house you’ll need to buy him out of his share. His share may be 40-50%, and then take on the whole mortgage. Can you do that on your income ?

Thank you for your advice and time- I really appreciate it.

I am fairly confident he won’t be able to have the kids 50% of the time, the changes to his work pattern will be too drastic and knowing the industry he works at, he won’t be able to find such flexibility- however I might be wrong.

As I said- living in the house would not be my preferred option. Everything in it is his doing (with my financial support). However I very much see it as the roof over the children’s heads, the only home they have known.

Assuming the kids will be with me more, and only a couple of nights every other weekend with him, with some pick ups and evenings he will be spending with them, our accommodation needs are not the same. I will need a 3 bed property, whilst he might be ok with maybe a 2 bed flat/house.

Despite everything, I absolutely don’t want to see him struggle financially and it is not my aim to get at him. He is the kids’ dad and I want him to do well and happy, just not with me. He unfortunately brought us to where we are and as much as I never wanted to ‘take’ the house away from him, I also never chose to be pushed on the floor when I was only a weeks pregnant, having to lose the pregnancy as a result or being called various names in front of our young kids. Me and him are just nit a good fit and we need to split. The kids are my very first priority and I want to cause as little disruption to them as possible.

The equity in the house after mortgage is roughly £450k after mortgage. I should be able to afford the mortgage payment should we split, once the nursery fees which I have been and currently paying are finished.

Can I ask why a mesher agreement in your view will be unlikely?

It would depend on what your husband decides to do really…
if he is happy to leave the house with nothing and separate the money when your youngest is 18?
more than likely he will need money for his own home which he wouldn’t get with a mesher order.
If the decision had to be made by the courts then it’s the stress and uncertainty of how the finances should be separated.
Divorce and separation is very tough but I’m living proof that you can be much happier at the end of it!
If you have £450k equity then that could possibly be seen as enough to rehouse you both.

My ex said that he would never take my money and he wanted to be amicable for the kids. 18 months later he was in a new relationship and he tried to take as much money as he could from me during the divorce. He then took me to court over extra time with the kids. They can change very quickly once you are separated.
Please be vigilant.

Thanks so much for this- really helpful.

he might agree to a msher- but might not. I would understand if not.

what would be a fair and agreeable divide of the property equity if the kids are mainly with me? If we agree for say 2/3 to me, because of the accommodation needs the kids and I will have, would that mean do you think I will need to give up a portion/all of the child maintenance? *just exchanging information here. Not after a legal advice, want to know what I should ask for. We don’t have much by savings and pensions.

Thank you again 🙏🏻🙏🏻

I should say that over the last five years, there were sadly five incidents of physical violence, two of which happened whilst I was pregnant and one of which I called the police, he was arrested (caution only) and reported to CPS.

Was there Social Services involvement after these incidents?

They got in contact after his arrest. But we worked put a plan where we started couples therapy, and him going on tablets which helped him a lot, but then he stopped after six months due to side effects. He never considered taking different tablets or trying different dosage because he never thought he had a problem.

You will more than likely end up with more equity than him if you are going to be the primary carer of the kids. It always starts at 50/50 then your needs and financial backgrounds will be taken into consideration.
It’s so much easier if you can come up with a financial plan together without solicitors or court.
It easier said than done and if he’s not keen on the thought of separating then he could make things more difficult than necessary.
Is it worth selling and splitting the equity 60/40 to keep the peace with him? All of these things need some serious thought.
Hes going to need a lump sum to rebuild his life and get a new home.

There is an amazing lady on instagram, YouTube etc… called The legal Queen (Tracey) she’s a solicitor and gives great family law advice on these platforms.

Thanks for this.

I was advised by a mortgage adviser who also act in courts and provide assessment when it comes to divorce and the split of the family home that I should be able to negotiate 2/3 of the equity, on the understanding that me and the children who will stay mostly with me get 1/3 of the equity each. The other option would be to go into a mesher agreement, arguing that he can either get a 1/3 not or 50% in x years when our youngest reaches 15 or 18? In either case, do you think I should also ask for the full child maintenance, or reduce it to ‘sweeten the deal’?

There is a lot to consider and a lot ofcourse will depend on his stand. I just want to come in with a set plan so I can negotiate my stand for me and the kids. Not looking to ‘get at him’ and would have very much liked to be amicable but also ensure that me and the kids are looked after.

Great advice from the mortgage advisor. I would keep the child maintenance low for now. You can always revisit this in the future.

Would just have liked to continue living at home with the kids. More than anything I want them to have minimal disruption to their lives and routine, despite their parents separating. But if husband won’t agree to a mesher.. I can’t see how I can keep the house for the children. Even paying his share, I will be left with too big a mortgage which just wouldn’t work.

I would use the year as time to plan, open a bank account that only you know about & put as much in it as you can, if you have your own private email, do it online so the statements, letters etc don't come by post. Don't declare the account when you split. Make sure your contraception is rock solid, double up if you can, you don't want to fall for another baby. Do things like buying the dc clothes a couple of sizes up so they are sorted for at least part of your first year as a single parent, if you know which school they will be going to, make use of the back to school offers this year, do you have someone you trust where you could stash everything until next year? Just grey rock him, fake it until you make it that you haven't a care in the world while in the background keep making plans.

Thanks for this.

I struggle a lot with faking it, I’m too honest about my feelings. And we haven’t been intimate in over a year a half so no chance of getting pregnant. I know I need to carry on for the next year so I am better financially. He knows I haven’t been happy, he knows he messed up a lot and is trying so hard at the moment to be better but we’ve done this before so so many times. He always goes back to his controlling ways and I am just done. I just beed to give him the benefit of the doubt and try. A lot of stuff he’s done and said over the years.. are just too much to bounce back from.

Be as savvy as you can,like Nat6999 has said. I was in your position a few years ago, but now I’m in my early 40’s and so happy that I got out of my unhappy marriage. My kids are my priority and I have so much of MY life to look forward to. My ex had done similar things to me like your husband has done. I couldn’t get past it either, and why should you!

Thanks again for your help.. can I ask what agreement did you reach to? I’m trying to have a better understanding if a mesher agreement is something that couples commonly agree on when young children are involved or if it is something quite rare.

My financial situation was very different to yours so I couldn’t really advise you on that.
It will mostly depend on what your husband wants to do. I can’t see him agreeing to walk away with nothing until your youngest child is 16? He probably won’t have the funds to buy a new property etc…