Hi so this is a long story and I'm hoping to get some advice on this.
So basically my ex cheated on me last year which resulted in us separating. We have 3 amazing kids together and we share custody of them.
When we first separated, my mental health took a right downward spiral to the point where I was hearing voices. These voices all came from a place where my ex was telling people who knew she was cheating on me, that I was abusive towards her and our children, yet in the 20+ years we were together, not once did I raise a fist to either her, nor our kids.
After then, she continued her relationship with this person that she cheated on me with and our children really struggled coming to terms with what went on and were blaming this other person for their parents splitting up. Our oldest is almost a teen and is being assessed for autism so he struggled more with the whole thing, than the other 2 kids did.
My ex would blackmail him into getting her own way and even once locked him in her house for 3 hours because he didn't want to go out with his mother's new partner. Then when it came to my ex wanting the partner to spend Xmas with them, my oldest said he would just stay at mine because he doesn't want this person in his life, to which his mother threatened him with her own suicide if that's how he felt.
From then on, social services became involved. And the first time my ex invited the partner over to spend the night, the new partner decided it was acceptable to climb into bed with my 7 year old daughter, to which my ex knew about and thought this was acceptable. My ex wouldn't clean the house, wasn't washing the kids clothes, wasn't feeding them properly (3 of them sharing a garlic baguette with 1 potato waffle each was classed as a meal by her). Anyways, the social worker would come and see me, go and see my ex and speak to the children at the school and the SW took from it that the children are coming to terms with things and that the kids overall are generally happy and they discharged us.
Whilst SS were involved, my oldest potentially autistic pre teen had an incident where he wouldn't get dressed for school, so his mother decided to force his clothes from him until he was naked (in front of his siblings and his mother's partner) and told him he best get dressed because nobody wants to see him naked. I reported this incident to the SW and they advised me to exercise my PR and keep the children until they can investigate further, they spoke to my ex and to my son and he told them what happened, they said as he feels it won't happen again, then yes I can still exercise PR, however, if my ex went to a lawyer and went through the courts, a judge would drag the kids into it all and probably tell us to go back to our original agreement so it might not be worthwhile putting the kids through that. Anyway we went back to how it originally was.
One incident, my 7 year old daughter took a picture of herself, with her phone, but had my nephews girlfriend (who is a teenager) in the picture and she sent it to her mother, for her mothers response to be that she isn't talking to her she shouldn't be sending her photos of my daughter with somebody else and then facetimed my daughter to get my little girl to beg her for forgiveness (all of which has been recorded)
Since then, she has reverted back to her old ways, when the kids are with her , she isn't giving them clean clothes, isn't feeding them properly and isn't ensuring they brush their teeth once a day, let alone twice like they're meant to.
Today, I have received a letter from a lawyer advising me that my ex has filed for divorce on the grounds that I'm abusive to her and our children but is happy to keep the arrangements in place we have for the kids. What can I do about this? Yes I want a divorce but not on the grounds of abuse as this is a blatant lie and I don't know what to do, it just keeps going over and over in my head. Loads of family and friends (mutual friends between myself and my ex wife, most of which I met through her) have all told me to contest it and to apply for full custody of the kids, which to me would be the best option but then it's putting them through the whole court thing, but then I don't want them to be seen to be a victim of alleged abuse that she claims I'm doing. Yet if I was that much of a risk to the kids, why would she be happy for me to still have them 50% of the time?