Advice on initial stages of separation

[BusyCee]

After years of gaslighting, controlling, unhinged psycho-drama (interspersed with some ok bits) I've had enough and told him I want to separate. His first response: I'm not leaving the house. His second: turn on the charm and move into 'great Dad' mode (years too late). It's likely we'll have to live together for about a year before I can organise to move out with the children (one primary two secondary). I'm starting to call solicitors on Monday to make sure I get good financial advice. What else do I need to know and prepare for?

Final question. How can I deal with the disgust and irritation as he does all the things he should have done years ago and finally begins to tune into the kids... and they respond enthusiastically because they've been parched of affection from him and desperately want and need it? Right now I could tear his eyeballs out and screech like banshee, but want to be calm, clear, measured and reasonable. It's actually worse than the aggressively moody insistence that I'm wrong that I was expecting.

Thanks in advance.

Sorry. Typed in haste. I meant to say Please and Thank You for any advice or suggestions you may have.

I haven’t got any advice I’m afraid but reading this I’m in a very similar situation and asked for separation this week so feel your pain/worry! Hoping for some advice too please…

I was in a similar situation to you OP. Same kind of abuse, emotionally unavailable to kids etc.
When I told him it’s over he went through various tactics. It was almost entertaining to watch as he switched from one tactic to another.

He also refused to leave. Refused to accept divorce etc.

When he got a letter from my lawyer he had no option but to cooperate.Very obstructive throughout but got there in the end. I bought him out.

While you’re waiting to see a lawyer, get as much info and printouts/ screenshots as you can regarding finances, any pensions, savings etc he has. Check any joint accounts and make sure you have access to half in case he tries to clear the account.

Meant to add. he also suddenly became Mr Superdad with the kids. However they were young adults at that time and it was too little and too late. They saw through him.
I feel for your poor dcs as they will be feeling happy that dad is being more of a proper dad at last !
This would anger me ! 💐

Thanks. I'm currently in bed listening to him be SuperDad to the kids while they complain that I won't let them sleep out in a tent. I'm not yet at the point I can find it funny. It's heartbreaking how desperate they are to enjoy being with him, and how separate it's apparent we've been.

Sorry to hear this. It sucks. Solidarity, Sister

Glad to hear you got there in the end. ATM he's behaving as though nothing is happened and is organising stuff for us to do 'as a family'... obviously nothing he's ever bothered to do before. I just cannot wait to live my life without having to deal with his bullshit.

Fortunately/unfortunately (for the kids) he won't be able to keep the super dad thing up. At heart he's a selfish arsehole and thus is just his latest ploy to get his own way.

Stay strong. It might take a while but you'll get there. 💪

How are you doing @BusyCee ? I am in same boat, the revelations about my ex behaviour are appalling but he's cooking and baking and driving my teenage DC anywhere and everywhere they desire. Despite shagging colleagues for years while I did everything for them. Ho hum.

I'm currently going through very similar (and just joined here to seek some solidarity). Although I told him I wanted to separate and he started being a normal human super dad, I've not pushed the separation any further so I'm stuck in limbo. This came of the back of four weeks of being stonewalled as punishment for redecorating my daughter's bedroom when he didn't want us to.

I'm speaking with a counselor weekly at the moment to try and get my head around it all and make the break. My children are 15 and 18 so a little less to consider in the practical sense, but his 'everything is great now' approach is driving me mad. He is posting family photos all over Facebook so we look like the perfect family. He's had the odd slip in behaviour since which shows me the real him is still there though. It all feels very superficial.

Hey. I'm ok thanks. Have been utterly raging... but calmer this afternoon post-counselling. He's remorseful. Now. But feels like too little too late... and I don't think he really 'gets' what the problem is. Sorry you're in the same boat. The SuperDad routine is particularly awful, because they're desperate for it and love basking in his attention. Don't believe it'll last though...

It has taken me years to get my head around it, tbh. It's only the last 6mo that I've realised some of this is actually emotional abuse, not just me being useless/broken/not putting enough effort. But now I've seen it I can't un-see it. Hope you're ok. I have found keeping a (secret and hidden) diary really helpful. Ok the days I questioned myself I looked back and began to see the patterns. Has helped keep my sanity a bit tbh. Good luck.

Taken me years too...and yes, I've only recently started to see some of it as emotional 'control' if not abuse (struggling with that term). But it is making me second guess everything. I have also questioned myself, but since speaking to a counsellor and a couple of friends they have pointed out that this behaviour isn't normal. We've been together since I was 18 so I haven't really known much else.

I'm trying to just let him do his thing in relation to being a better husband/dad...I want him to do it for the children's sake like you - him and our daughter have quite a challenging relationship to the point that when I was going away for the weekend she didn't want to stay home. This was my breaking point. So I'm pleased things are better for them, but do feel that he things this is what is needed to fix things with us, when they are unfixable.

Another one on the same boat here... It's been years of being told that everything I do is not right, no matter how much effort I put into our family it's never appreciated, and according to what he blurts out from time to time I sound like a pretty horrible person to live with. Oh, the only thing he appreciates is that I make lots of money and I am good to split the bills with 😋

It takes such a toll on you to be walking on eggshells and be scared to do or not to do something in case it leads to another argument about you not being enough. And while being stonewalled and ignored for weeks on end because he is furious about what you have done and only responds by being rude to everything you say, it's okay for you to have to have sex with him because you are his wife (ie. you are the only one available and it's your responsibility). Response to "how am I supposed to do that when I feel unloved?": "it must be a woman thing"!! Basically, men are fine with sticking their dick ANYWHERE!!

And I would also like to join the club of "superdad" behaviour once he is told he doesn't do enough! Poor kids are craving his attention and they are so happy. And my heart aches because I know that soon enough we will be back to "no", "leave me alone", "I am busy" etc and they will be heartbroken. The "superdad" has just gone ahead and booked a 2-week holiday without us because it has taken me too long to book summer holidays and he couldn't wait for me to do it... Such consideration for the family!! His plan has backfired though, because I asked him to take the kids with him in front of them, and he can't really say no without being more of an arsehole. And silver lining, maybe I can book myself a week somewhere warm and nice and take care of myself which I never really do because it makes me a bad mom 😇

Solidarity sisters 💋

Jumping on the bandwagon with the superdad routine and so relieved to see I'm not on my own with my feelings. He's never been interested in the DC who are now older teens but all of a sudden, especially with DD, he's asking about school, knows who their friends are and what they're doing when they're out, when they're working etc. He's never shown an interest but because of that DC are preferring to talk to him over me and its killing me.

I have to leave the house when I hear him being all happy and chatty with them and listening to how animated they are when all I get is one word answers from all of them. I'm hoping at some point he'll get bored and they'll remember who actually parented them through life so far but I'm not feeling optimistic. It's actually breaking my heart seeing them push me away and draw towards him but he knows that and is relishing in the fact

I'm in exactly the same boat, told OH of 34 years with (3 kids, 21, 19 and 13) that it's over and he's angry and cannot accept it. When he tried to sort it out with an 'apology for his behaviour, but it's my fault' I told him again it was over and again he's v. angry asking for half of all the money he has spent recently on the garden and my daughters 21st birthday presents. I can't even have a conversation with him. He won't leave, I won't leave so I think we are going to have to cohabit until one of us breaks, any tips? P.s. I chose my username because my OH looks through my diary on a regular basis even when I try to hide it he finds it.

Don't. Be disgusted and irritated that he's now parenting, be pleased as it shows you made the right choice. I hope he can keep it up but I doubt it. Will be let you take the kids or want 50/50?

My husband is a decent person and it is me who wants to separate for lots and lots of reasons, but since I asked for it two weeks ago he has become an amazing dad, the kind I wish that he had been for the last few years. It is enraging! I can feel the children heading towards him and away from me a bit. I didn't realise this is quite common. I can see why it has happened though. He is suddenly realising how much he is going to miss and lose and how crap he has been for ages.

I think the super dad routine will last about as long as it takes him to find a new partner.

Evening all. How is everyone? Hope you've all survived the week and get a chance for a peaceful drink in the sun. Thinking of you all

It does feel like a feat to make it to another weekend! Although not a great one coming up, we are telling the DC after three months of trying to keep a lid on things (GCSEs). Urgh. Hope you're doing ok

Good luck. I'm imagining how hard that's going to be for you and the DCs. Hope he's not a total prick about it and puts their feelings first. Hope you've got something planned for you in the next week, to take the weight off a bit.

Good luck! Hope it goes as well as it can be.

It does feel like surviving each week at the moment. I had a bit of a heart to heart with a friend this week as she wanted to tell me about her marriage problems. Tricky situation as her and her husband are friends with me and my husband, so it's the first time I've spoken about things at home with someone who knows us both (everyone else that is aware are just my friends). It was good to talk about it though and I think she felt comforted that I understood some of her issues.

I'm on the countdown to our family holiday mid August and intend to tell my husband that I am not backing down on the separation after that. He has changed his behaviour but it's not changed my feelings towards him. I'm still seeing my counselor and she's helping me change my thoughts around what is 'normal' relationship behaviour as I've completely normalised some things.

I'm in same situation. Separated but under same roof until our house sale goes through.
Also playing super dad after over 20 years of leaving everything to me, so predictable.

I can't bear to be in the same breathing space as him but force myself to keep a lid on it for DCs sake.