Move or stay? WWYD?

[InTheEther842]

I would really appreciate thoughts and views please. I don't feel like I'm in a position to make good decisions at the moment so please sense check me. I don't have family I can rely on, so I can't approach them for sensible advice.

Recently made the decision to divorce. Soon to be ex H is at his parents and wants paying out quickly. I've made a prior post on the the background and yes, everyone was right, it didn't get better and in fact got a lot worse before it got to this point.

We are currently in a 5 bed house. 2 children, but I WFH some of the week so really could do to have an office. This was the house he wanted but it's always been too big. It's modern, but the whole top floor (supposed to be the master) isn't in use. It's a lovely house, but it's too close to an A road for my liking and I've always struggled with the road noise. It would also need some jobs doing to get it on the market. Nothing massive, but definitely more work than I can do alone. There are lovely memories here, but there's also awful ones too. Current neighbours are lovely too.

Part of me thinks we should have a fresh start and move. I worry about being able to sell this house especially with the road noise. Part of me thinks he should be part of that stress and cost but whilst he's agreed either way, I am not sure would be particularly helpful.

Big house usually equals more bills too and although we've agreed financial split and I work full time, I can absolutely see child maintenance payments disappearing and I need to make sure I control my monthly bills. We would need to stay in the same area.

But equally, I am worried that if I put the house up and it does sell, what if I can't find the right house in time? Also, I've had a look at properties in the area and there's not much to go at. I don't have the funds to put us up somewhere in the meantime and after the hell of the last 3 ish years, I need stability for the kids.

I am able to keep this financially if I do stay, but then I'll be tied into a mortgage deal for a while so I feel pressure to make a decision sooner rather than later.

And I suspect that I would always end up moving even if I agreed a 2 year deal so I would no doubt go through the same challenge then.

But if I don't make any decisions, I think he is going to start getting difficult about being paid out as he's with his parents at the moment and isn't getting on well with them.

Any thoughts advice and views welcome.

Well the starting question is can you stay and pay him the share he is entitled to? If the answer is no, given the size of the house, you are unlikely to get a court agreeing you can stay. Just sell.

If the answer is yes, pay him then stay until you find something or sell. You can rent or buy but that really is dissonance you need to own rather than imposing it on him.

You dilemmas don’t resolve with time. The house will take the time it takes to sell, whether you do it now or in the future. Remember everything sells at the right price. Difficult to sell just means you are asking too much.

Finding somewhere you like when in a chain is an issue that doesn’t get any better. You will always be on the clock with this.

Given you occupy the house you can probably drag this out whilst you make up your mind. But it is shifting the impact of your problems with decision making onto other people, your ex and his parents. Don’t be surprised if this leads to a more difficult divorce or some counter act. What would you do if he moved back in?

Thank you.

Yes I can pay him out and stay. I have a decision in principle for that and an appointment next week to finalise it.

If he moved back in the kids and I would need to move out, with the family pets. There are issues I outlined in a prior post which probably explain why.

I suppose the question is whether I should move now or later. Now feels like a shared problem and cost, later is purely a me problem. But the timing is applying pressure to make a big decision that I will have to live with for a period.

Dragging it out could well make things more difficult as he's been really clear he just wants the money and to go. I suspect we'll see less and less of him.

I do also worry that if I stay he will always think that this is his house. Things like getting the keys back will be difficult. He keeps popping round now for a shower or to pick stuff up which I'm okay with for now, but needs to stop soon. He also said he will need to leave some work stuff here until he gets settled so another reason I think this will go on. He has the ring doorbell set up on all sides of the house etc.

He's unpredictable and if I was in this as a forever house I chose, I'd probably pick my battles and force those points. But I don't feel up to it really (he won't respond to it well) and moving feels potentially like the better long term options, as well as a way of achieving those aims without a battle.

But I'm fully prepared to be told I'm unreasonable and this is a burden for me to deal with / just part of divorce etc.

I take the point about the challenges with selling a house that will the same now or later.

Moving house is stressful, to say the least. You have enough stress in your life without adding to it by attempting a house move. My inclination would be to attempt (I say "attempt" as you've previously mentioned your DH's drinking, which can make negotiation difficult) to finalise your finances and subsequent divorce before thinking about where you'll live.

If you can afford to buy him out you're in a better and stronger position than many others contemplating divorce. Once the house is yours only, you will be able to legally change the locks to stop any random visits by him.

Financial security is paramount. Once you're in charge of your own purse strings, you have the luxury of time to think about where you would like to live.

One step at a time. (Q: How do you eat an elephant? A: In small bites.)

. I worry about being able to sell this house especially with the road noise.

Do you think the house may be difficult to sell if you were moving in a year or 2 and you may have to drop the price? As a PP has pointed out anything will sell for the right price.
The concern I would have about you staying on and buying him out now, and then you selling in a couple of years is house may not sell for it's valuation

Thank you both.

I absolutely see the wisdom in doing this in parts. There are pros and cons whether I do it now or later. Stress aside I just want the right thing for the 3 of us. And I acknowledge that I'm in a very fortunate position with salary and work - which came at a cost - I went back to work probably too early after having children and have always worked full time. I had to. It will be tight on my own and there will be sacrifices, but there will be safety and stability which is all we need. It would help if bills etc. were lower with a smaller house, but it's still doable.

The question about selling - that's my concern whether I sell now or later. When I had it valued, they said that the new build version of this are selling for £75k more than the amount I have agreed with him for the purposes of buying him out. But they are not selling at that price. There was one that sold just up the road a couple of years ago (so the same road noise) so they will sell. The agent also said it will sell, and whilst the road will bring the value down a bit, it won't to that extent so they said the price I've agreed is fair and I wouldn't lose on that if I came to sell, which is reassuring.

I am going in circles a bit. I think if I could find the right house to move to, and didn't have as much riding on everything, I'd do it. But I think I'll have to do it in parts.

I'd bite the bullet and sell.

Do you have a lot of stuff? Massively decluttering will make the move easier. You can hire a professional organizer to help. It's a worthwhile investment.

What ages are the kids?

More than we should so yes a declutter is needed, but it's not a mass issue. I'd actually done a lot of my own stuff and kids clothes etc. over the last 18 months as kind of a way of coping.

It's more house things that would need tidying up before selling. But I'm going to make a list and have it priced up to do / see if I can learn to do it without doing more damage!

They are 9 and 11. And I've tentatively sounded them out about how they would feel if we moved and whether they would like looking for a new house and they were asking lots of questions / curious. So I don't think that would be a huge issue.