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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Separated but still living together,worried what will happen with everything!?

7 replies

Applesandpears1806 · 05/06/2024 21:37

Just as above really. Me and H mutually agreed to separate on Friday just gone,after nearly 18 years together(have a ds who's 7) It's not been easy but I know it's the right decision and already feel lighter for making it.
Realistically we'll be living together for around 18 months ish till he can afford to leave(currently studying for a degree). Whilst we get on great and will try to make things as smooth as possible, I'm worried about how things may get.
Also,he says he wants me to have the house,and just get his name taken off the mortgage which I can't afford on my wage,but I'll be able to in maybe 2 years ish(currently re-training)
Im worried about living with him now as am still in love with him,despite knowing separation is the right thing. Also really worried financially for the future.
Any words of advice please?thanks

OP posts:
ditzzy · 06/06/2024 06:49

I didn’t have any children with Ex-H, but after we separated we continued to live together for over a year, so I’ve been in a slightly similar position. It was meant to be for up to six months, but dragged out for various reasons.

It was actually perfectly fine. We got on better in that year than we had done for ages before that.

However, I was in a position that I could increase the mortgage and take it over on my own, so I was able to buy him out and take over the household finances. He then paid me a nominal contribution to household costs every month (it was not “rent”, and he had to sign a disclaimer with the bank to say he wasn’t expecting any rights over the house because of it).

I continued to cook for us both (the idea of arguing over who’s food was who’s would have been ridiculous) and he did a lot more housework than when we were together.

We did get a financial separation agreement drawn up, which was advice given to me by a friend who had done similar, which protected both of us. That obviously costs with a solicitor, but made it easier when we eventually divorced.

Otherwise my biggest piece of advice is just to remember you are both human, just try to be nice and civil to each other as you would any housemate but don’t try to do too much together.

Good luck

Tel12 · 06/06/2024 06:58

It's difficult to understand why you are divorcing if you are in love with him and have a child,? Especially when you consider the not insignificant impact this is going to have on everyone. If you can manage the house in 2 years, then spin it out until then. In the interim stop being a couple and live separately.

Original poster
Applesandpears1806 · 06/06/2024 07:09

Tel12 · 06/06/2024 06:58

It's difficult to understand why you are divorcing if you are in love with him and have a child,? Especially when you consider the not insignificant impact this is going to have on everyone. If you can manage the house in 2 years, then spin it out until then. In the interim stop being a couple and live separately.

I found out he had an emotional affair with someone on his degree last September and again maybe this January(I suspect maybe more). I could have possibly worked through this,and have tried, but regardless,we've just grown apart.

OP posts:
Original poster
Applesandpears1806 · 06/06/2024 07:11

ditzzy · 06/06/2024 06:49

I didn’t have any children with Ex-H, but after we separated we continued to live together for over a year, so I’ve been in a slightly similar position. It was meant to be for up to six months, but dragged out for various reasons.

It was actually perfectly fine. We got on better in that year than we had done for ages before that.

However, I was in a position that I could increase the mortgage and take it over on my own, so I was able to buy him out and take over the household finances. He then paid me a nominal contribution to household costs every month (it was not “rent”, and he had to sign a disclaimer with the bank to say he wasn’t expecting any rights over the house because of it).

I continued to cook for us both (the idea of arguing over who’s food was who’s would have been ridiculous) and he did a lot more housework than when we were together.

We did get a financial separation agreement drawn up, which was advice given to me by a friend who had done similar, which protected both of us. That obviously costs with a solicitor, but made it easier when we eventually divorced.

Otherwise my biggest piece of advice is just to remember you are both human, just try to be nice and civil to each other as you would any housemate but don’t try to do too much together.

Good luck

Thank you for the great advice,we'll get some legal advice at the right time. Plus I'm glad to hear you were able to live together well enough for the time.

OP posts:
Baffers100 · 15/07/2024 18:15

Similar boat....been together 20 years, married for 12, two young children. I asked for a divorce nearly two years ago.
We are still living in the same house. I am in the spare bedroom. I spent 5 months on a blow up air bed, finally got a single mattress because I realized the divorce was going to be anything but quick.
Waster 18 months mediating. All it did was waste money and drag out proceedings which only work in his favor.

Atmosphere is....well all valuables have been moved out so he can't help himself to my jewelry box. I have a webcam in my room. We argue over the washing, he's bleached some of my clothes, shrunk others. I have given him a rota for putting the kids to bed so it's not always left to me and he learns, hopefully, how to actually parent.

I'm painted as the bad person, the home breaker who is "gonna make the kids autistic dragging them through this sh!t" while he does nothing, literally nothing.

I wanted this to be as amicable as possible...I hate him. I resent the air he breathes, the house he won't move out of which my salary put us in, the kingsize bed he lays in which I bought in our nice master bedroom. The way he windmills in playing "worlds best dad" but doesn't do any actual parenting like getting the kids to brush their teeth, feeding them properly, making sure homework is done, school runs etc.

He's a waste of space and the longer this is drawn out for the more I hate him, and the crappy legal system which doesn't support those who want a divorce and are basically held hostage in their homes.

Frogslegs3 · 15/07/2024 19:26

Baffers100 · 15/07/2024 18:15

Similar boat....been together 20 years, married for 12, two young children. I asked for a divorce nearly two years ago.
We are still living in the same house. I am in the spare bedroom. I spent 5 months on a blow up air bed, finally got a single mattress because I realized the divorce was going to be anything but quick.
Waster 18 months mediating. All it did was waste money and drag out proceedings which only work in his favor.

Atmosphere is....well all valuables have been moved out so he can't help himself to my jewelry box. I have a webcam in my room. We argue over the washing, he's bleached some of my clothes, shrunk others. I have given him a rota for putting the kids to bed so it's not always left to me and he learns, hopefully, how to actually parent.

I'm painted as the bad person, the home breaker who is "gonna make the kids autistic dragging them through this sh!t" while he does nothing, literally nothing.

I wanted this to be as amicable as possible...I hate him. I resent the air he breathes, the house he won't move out of which my salary put us in, the kingsize bed he lays in which I bought in our nice master bedroom. The way he windmills in playing "worlds best dad" but doesn't do any actual parenting like getting the kids to brush their teeth, feeding them properly, making sure homework is done, school runs etc.

He's a waste of space and the longer this is drawn out for the more I hate him, and the crappy legal system which doesn't support those who want a divorce and are basically held hostage in their homes.

Ah man I just want to extend my sympathies that sounds bloody horrendous

Original poster
Applesandpears1806 · 16/07/2024 21:56

Baffers100 · 15/07/2024 18:15

Similar boat....been together 20 years, married for 12, two young children. I asked for a divorce nearly two years ago.
We are still living in the same house. I am in the spare bedroom. I spent 5 months on a blow up air bed, finally got a single mattress because I realized the divorce was going to be anything but quick.
Waster 18 months mediating. All it did was waste money and drag out proceedings which only work in his favor.

Atmosphere is....well all valuables have been moved out so he can't help himself to my jewelry box. I have a webcam in my room. We argue over the washing, he's bleached some of my clothes, shrunk others. I have given him a rota for putting the kids to bed so it's not always left to me and he learns, hopefully, how to actually parent.

I'm painted as the bad person, the home breaker who is "gonna make the kids autistic dragging them through this sh!t" while he does nothing, literally nothing.

I wanted this to be as amicable as possible...I hate him. I resent the air he breathes, the house he won't move out of which my salary put us in, the kingsize bed he lays in which I bought in our nice master bedroom. The way he windmills in playing "worlds best dad" but doesn't do any actual parenting like getting the kids to brush their teeth, feeding them properly, making sure homework is done, school runs etc.

He's a waste of space and the longer this is drawn out for the more I hate him, and the crappy legal system which doesn't support those who want a divorce and are basically held hostage in their homes.

I'm so sorry to hear your going through this,sending hugs

OP posts:
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