The bonus parent

[Sallyxox]

Hi,

long story short ex husband left me over a year ago, we know get on and I’d say co parent well. He moved in fairly quickly. Our little girl spends time with him and his other half and her child.

they recently took them away for the weekend first time so it was hard for me but my little one was so excited. On coming back in her case was some new clothes his partner had bought my little one.

Now it’s all lovely, my little one is happy and thriving and I’m happy for her. But can I just ask is it normal to still feel a bit like territorial? I would never come across that way or say anything but I can’t help having this feeling. Again I’m happy my daughter is happy and obv it’s amazing she’s being treated in this way , I just wonder if the feeling ever goes? Just still finding it hard to share her as it’s a life you never imagine.
thanks in advance xxxx

Give it time.

It’s completely normal and it’s good you can control your feelings and not let them be known to your daughter.

Don’t see this other woman as competition see her as another person to enrich your daughters life.

Your feelings are valid but please continue to keep them under wraps. Like you say, as long as you kid is happy that's all that matters.

Would you feel the same way if a relative bought your child clothes? Just think of it as that. It's lovely that she's being kind to your child. Stepmums have been torn apart on MN for buying things fo their bio kids and no ot their stepkids. They can't win sometimes.

Your feelings are completely valid and I suspect very normal.

As PP said, you could try and see ex's partner as an extention to the family/another relative to enrich your DD's life rather than a stepmother or another parent etc.

The first time is probably the hardest and I really hope it gets easier for you 💐

I feel like that. I'm remarried, my DD's dad is in a long term relationship with a really genuinely nice woman. She makes a huge effort with my DD and also to not step on my toes. She is conscious of her role and texts me to check presents she is buying are ok etc. my DD loves her.

I hate it, I feel jealous and territorial. I do my level best to never let that show. I have teenage years coming up and I am so aware that I am the one doing most of the actual parenting so it's going to be really appealing for my DD to spend more time there, where she gets away with a hell of a lot more.

It's tough, solidarity. It could be a hell of a lot worse.

I’ll give you a step mums perspective on this.

I’m married to the SC’s (2) dad and have known the SC 10 years.

Their mum won’t allow them to have a relationship with me. I have never ever stepped on her toes (I wasn’t the OW in case anyone asks), and I am always respectful towards her.

The children aren’t ‘allowed’ to have any relationship with me as it upsets their mum. The kids are only allowed refer to me as ‘her’ - they can never use my name in front of her. Birthday / Christmas presents & cards are not allowed to be taken home to mums house as it upsets her. They aren’t to text or call me, write me a birthday card etc. The kids aren’t allowed to talk about anything that goes on in dads house.

My SD’s 15 birthday I took her to the MAC counter of my local department store (she’s really into makeup). She had her makeup done and I bought her some products as a birthday present. Mum rang as we were walking home - SD crossed the road and said her mum had said she wasn’t allowed to walk with me.

I could go on with the examples…

The only people who have suffered are the children.

10 years on I don’t really have a relationship with the kids and it’s so very sad as I’d love to be an additional person in their lives.

It must be very hard for you - but the women sounds like she is trying to be nice to your daughter and forge a relationship. Please keep that in mind.

Thank you for the reply from a step parent point of view.
I do and will always make it so my little one can talk freely about her dad and his partner and anyone on that side, I think it’s her happiness that means most and aslong as she is happy I am, I think this is why I get confused on feeling a bit territorial- but I assume it’s more insecurity on my part. Think I dread her not wanting me anymore which in turn I know won’t happen but I’m deffo an over thinker haha!

Im sorry you haven’t ended up with that reletionship, I think Iv asked to meet her but so far been told there’s no need so this probably adds to how I feel. Luckily I kinda know of her through some friends so I believe she’s a nice person and I’m not worried about my daughter being around her but would be nice to cross paths sometime.