Deciding where to live post separation - stay in family home or not?

[PancakesForElephants]

I'm in the early days of STBEX telling me it's all over and he wants out.

I need to decide whether to buy him out or he buys me out. We have a DS 13. We've agreed the ideal is one of us stays, one of us gets a place nearby. Both of us can just about afford to. I'm trying not to think of the "what ifs" like redundancy, illness.

I just don't know what to do. I'm not a massive fan of this house, needs work, it's now too big for a 2-person family, but I've been here ~15 years so I've got friends, neighbours, support network nearby. It's also full of STBEX work e.g. he painted the kitchen, hand built some furniture, put up shelves. It's more his vision than mine.

Is it better for kids if the mum stays in the family home? Will DS prefer to be in his "old" home if I moved out? Plan is amicable 50/50 but obvs at this age it's kind of up to them I think? What happens when DS leaves home?

I feel totally stuck. Feels like it might become clear in 6 months time but STBEX is pushing for faster timetable. Also not clear if we can actually amicably cohabit, he's only just moved into spare room.

I realise many people don't have the luxury of choice here, but how did anyone else decide?

Oh, and I can't see anything I like in budget on Rightmove nearby. But I don't have the luxury of waiting for a house I do like.

I decided to stay in what was our family home and I wish I hadn't to be honest - even though I've decorated each room it's still full of ghosts and the constant repairs as everything is now 10-15 years old is draining - I wish I had bought a new build and started a fresh somewhere

Thanks @photosdilemma , do you have kids and what happened re them seeing your ex in the new place?

I moved out of the family home and let STBEX have the family home. You have to consider several factors one of which is finances. Do you have a mortgage on this house, can you afford to pay it etc. I am assuming you have clarity on that and know what works best for you. This however is the most important factor.

Since you have asked about your DS, I have some experience here. Try to not disrupt your son's social life, ie. school, friends, classes etc.

If your child is considering going to uni, you will/can probably relocate in 5 years time. Consider carefully if you want to stay in this house, or just move to some other part of the country, or even world.

For my son and I, it was a bit about the leaving the past behind and starting afresh. We moved to a place where he could be a lot more independent. Meeting friends, walking to school, going out etc. Making sure your child learns independence (is different compared to children who have both parents) is super important for a single parent.

Ask him what he wants, see if he is up for an adventure, discuss the compromises you both will have to make, try to war game a few situations and observe how he responds feels about it. You will know what is the best decision for both of you.

Hi OP.

It's such a difficult decision to make. I'm in a similar situation to you but I actually moved out 14 months ago and rent elsewhere. I continued to pay half the mortgage for 3 months but had to stop as I couldn't afford that as well as my own rent. My ex has stayed in the house claiming to be able to afford it and says it's good for the children (they are with him 40% of the time currently). He is using the fact that they were born there and that they spend some time there to control certain things such as keeping their passports/birth certificates but also claiming that their primary address should still be there (even though they reside with me 60% of the time and I claim child benefit and UC for them). I'm not sure what your ex is like and whether he's like mine in trying to literally control everything I/the children still do. Something to bare in mind OP. Sometimes it's just better to make that 'total split'. Whether it'll be ok for you if he stays there and buys you out depends on what he's like but I think it'll be difficult for me if I agree to this in my situation going ahead.

Good luck to you OP.

@PancakesForElephants

I have 3 children - two are toddlers (twins) and a primary age child. Ex doesn't have suitable accommodation (shared house) so doesn't have any overnights - I do allow him to see them at my home but it tends to only be for an hour or so whilst I go to the shops - he doesn't ask for more time nor does he ever take them out for the day etc

I have stayed in the family home, which was right choice for children with location, but i spend too much time and money maintaining a big house and garden. All the jobs fall on you. Getting any paid work done costs a fortune. My ex has resented it (even though he couldnt afford the bills to stay). It took a long time to feel like just my home and a fresh start would have better in many ways. I did re-decorate and also did up teen DC rooms with double beds etc which they really appreciated - in fact they probably wouldnt have cared where they lived as long as they had a nice room, gaming computer and double bed. My next move will be somewhere with no work needed and minimal maintenance. And yes somewhere where dc dont need lifts to get places.