Getting used to the other woman

[GreenPoet]

Morning,
last year me and my husband separated after I found out he was having an affair, he says I forced him into it as I didn’t listen to him sometimes but this woman did. Fast forward 8 months (and a lot of broken confidence on my side) he’s happy with this other woman. He takes the kids on lovely days out (which he never used to do when we were together) and the kids enjoy it (kids are 11&8) but I can’t seem to move past it. My mind goes into overtime when I know they are out and I feel like I’m being replaced. I hate it when the kids mention her name and I would never make me kids feel guilty for spending and enjoying time with them but I honestly don’t know how to get past it. We are still in the middle of the divorce and are still nesting. House is sold and we move soon. I try to keep myself busy when they go out but then I see photos on my sons phone that his dad has sent him from these days out of the 4 of them and the kids love telling me about their day but I’m really struggling to learn to be ok with it. In my head she doesn’t deserve to spend time with my children, and she is (they both are) the sort of people who can purposely hurt someone and doesn’t show any remorse.

when does it get easier? I put on an act so the kids don’t know but it’s getting harder if anything.

You need to find something to do when the kids are out. Join a gym, meet friends/family for coffee/lunch. Don’t just sit and wait for the kids to come back.

Don't you take the dcs on your own days out or do lots of nice things at home? If you focus on your own activities it will be easier.

No need to get competitive but while your ex is off having his affair and the dcs are with you, arrange nice things for you all to do together. The summer is nearly here so start planning things for the summer holidays.

And plan some nice things for you to do solo on his weekends. Distraction works until it no longer stings.

I found it really important to make new friends who only knew the new me so I was able to establish a single life,
Several things firstly if your husband was unhappy he should have said something and if talking didn't improve things he should have left before starting a new relationship. The hurt you are feeling is on him.
The best revenge is to be happy, do the things you wanted to do, but could when you were married for me that was joining a choir for my sister it was doing more open water swimming.
Moving house will help it will be your own home that will be totally yours and you can organise it how you look. It will not hold the memories of being the family home I found it very freeing.
He and his new partner are in the honeymoon period soon the grind of everyday life will kick in and he will find that the grass maybe greener, but someone has still got to mow it to maintain it.

Well, he cheated on you and betrayed you and now your family isn't as it was. And he tries to justify his ridiculous behaviour of having an affair.

And now he's behaving like father of the year (if he couldn't be arsed before) which benefits the kids and appears to have everything going for him even though he behaved badly and hurt you a lot.

That doesn't seem at all fair, does it?

That is definitely going take some time for you to process and one day, I promise you, one day you will reach the state of, "Meh."

Meanwhile, simply nod and smile when your dcs talk about their dad, the ow etc. You don't have to say anything to continue that particular conversation and it will move swiftly on.

Also meanwhile, whilst they are at their dad's, use the time to do something especially for you. Gym. Learn something new. Something that gives you a personal sense of progress. Inaction can lead to depression and that's harder to deal with.

Also be thankful you're not like your ex or his ow. It's grotty behaviour to cheat on your partner but that's who he is. And you are the better person.

You "forced him into it"? What a dickhead.

I think you need to reframe this, you are being taken in by Disney dad and he’s out to impress his OW. We can all take a few nice memories but I bet the rest isn’t all rosy.

Your kids are young, they’ll soon tire of this and real ape mum is always there listens to them, understands them, picks up after them, turns up for plays and sports days. Makes Christmas special.

You aren’t even on the close to being in completion with him.

When the kids realize the truth, you’ll have them for life - and you don’t need to do anything other than be there for them.

It’s really hard - I get it!

Someone told me to see them as free childcare. Eventually like a PP said the sting fades.

And read chumplady website

It gets better/easier. I was left for OW just over a year ago and for several months I really struggled. DC was spending weekends with them, all good, constant activities, new toys, etc. I felt I couldn't keep up. It's been just over a year now and a few months ago something just changed for me. I don't hate OW any more. She didn't leave me, after all. She's just the new person in my DC's life and while I'm not happy about the situation, I'm happy that DC likes her. I enjoy my child free time and I do my best to make the time I'm with DC fun, without going overboard trying to compete.

It's really hard, but you'll get there. Focus on yourself and the opportunity to do things that perhaps you couldn't/wouldn't have done before.

Same as others are saying - it's just really really hard! Sending virtual hugs. You're left doing the grieving and feeling the pain, whilst he's in la la land.

My ex went on the apps within hours of the split apparently, and met someone quickly - so not as brutal as what you're dealing with. It's so weird adjusting to another woman doing fun stuff with our kids. I've politely asked my son to not compare us out loud, as he did once say what he thought she was better at (!) But I want to keep channels of communication open, just so I know a little what's it like for my ds. So, otherwise, I just listen, and internally deal with it, chat with friends later etc

It sounds like you're doing a lot of internal work, and being a great mum to your kids. You're handling it, give yourself a pat on the back. It's the early stages. Lots of current/retro parents would just scream at kids at mention of her name. Take it easy on yourself, it's still raw, he's treated you badly and is a dick, you'll fare batter in the long run, it's just hard to feel that now.

Thank you everyone. I do try and do things with them, but I also feel like I do a lot of the boring things, taking them to clubs, making them do homework etc. I’ve been getting them involved in buying a new house and taking them to viewings so they can give me their thoughts on it. I know 100% my head is not ready to think about moving on so I know that I need to do all of this work first.

I think I am worried that as they go out as a 4, that their dad and the OW can give them more than I can and finically can do more and i let it get in my head.

I do know time will make things easier, I think I’m still in the bitter phase!

I am sorry you are in this situation. Although upsetting that they are a family (you should have been) she seems like someone who treats the children well. They are not uncomfortable, upset, or unaccepting of this new person in their lives. If you look at it from the children's perspective (and a mum) it is fantastic! At least, their dad has been sensible about the woman he would be introducing his children to. Try and feel positive, grateful about it for the children.

Now when it comes to you. Children until a certain age are not materialistic. Build memories with them. Cook and bake with them. Enjoy summer in the backyard or park. Book a badminton or swimming session with them. Movies. Do whatever you can afford. Your ex and his new partner will never be able to give your children what you can. They are filling in the gaps you cannot at this point in time.

Personally, I would also recommend that you do things by yourself when the children are away. Hobbies, coffee chats, volunteering etc. You can tell them how much fun you had when they were away. You will have so much to share too!

But you have to move on. You have to rebuild yourself. You have to figure out what do you really want for yourself.

I know a lot of people won't agree with me but have you started dating? Might make you feel better to go out on a few dates, even if it's just for a laugh and to get out of the house when you have free time.